When a friend of the family announced her engagement, my mom remarked that the bride was marrying well. “Was she marrying for money?” I asked my mom.
“I don’t think so,” my mom said. “She just happens to be marrying a guy that makes a lot of money.”
Marrying for Money
As my mom and I talked about the engagement, I wondered how many women still strive to marry for money. In this day and age, a woman can make just as much, if not more than, her partner. So how important is it for that partner to come from an affluent family or earn a high salary?
Women Who Marry for Money
My mom’s female friends earn much less than their husbands. Her friend’s children also earn far less than their spouses.
“To form a successful partnership, both spouses must share the same ideas about money,” my mom said. “They have to agree how to spend the money they earn.”
Financial Ground Rules
My mom didn’t marry for money, but she did want to stay home after her kids were born. My dad provided the means for my mom to quit her job, and together they set ground rules for that decision.
My mom and dad settled on two ideas:
- Purchase a modest home they could quickly pay off.
- Never live beyond their means.
If my mom wanted to stay home, she would have to watch over the family budget. My mom was more than happy to forgo shopping trips and other expenses for the pleasure of being a full-time stay-at-home mom.
Of course, I think things are a little different now. My mom and dad were married in the early 70s. These days women can make more than their partners, less than their partners or stay-at-home, and not make any money at all.
Marry for Love or Money
There are so many options available to women these days, but I wonder if marrying for money remains one of the goals. While women may not strive to marry a wealthy partner, do they seek to marry a partner that makes more than they do? Especially when that partner is a man?
Are the stereotypical, bread-winning roles of men important to women? If women want children, do they want a man who makes enough money to provide them the option of staying-at-home?
I guess I'm the only guy leaving a comment here. It's sad that women will put how much a man makes on a pedestal higher than love. I find it somewhat superficial, maybe a western way of thinking… I suppose that's why there are so many unhappy marriages today, so many divorces, and cheating partners. As I am in my early 30s, I will stay single until I can find a good woman.
I'm really surprised at the comments… what happened to Feminism? I married my best friend right out of university and we are equals in every way, including financially. We each took a parental leave after our son was born and we are both happy with our respective careers. I would be a miserable stay at home mom, as I would never want my identity to revolve solely around domestic roles and I would never want to be dependant upon a man, regardless of how much money he made.
Let's look at this from a different perspective–there are many men who won't even date/marry a woman who makes significantly more than they do; many men still can't handle this dynamic. In fact, there are many cases where if a woman does have a better career than the man, she's supposed to play it down, otherwise she's being "uppity." And let's face it, across the board women still make less than men in every field, so perhaps pay equity would solve this so-called problem. And how about the standards that men have for women in the attractiveness department? My point–"shallowness" can be attributed to both genders.
I'm so fascinated by these comments that I've decided to write a follow up post in the hopes of getting more men to leave comments. Based on the subject and the nature of this blog a lot of female readers weighed in. Now I'd love to hear what the men have to say about it.
@Emma I had a huge follow-up talking about your reply but I deleted it because it's just not worth it.
Considering 1 partner's income "play money" negates the concept of partnership. You and your spouse are in this game we call life for the long haul with nothing other than each other to rely on. How would you feel if *your* salary was flagged for essentials while your spouse's salary was for "fun stuff" and "extras". That invites all kinds of division as the "play" earner can reduce their efforts or take-home because their contributions to the family aren't as life-critical as the primary breadwinner. IMO you received terrible advice – you should partner with your spouse and fight back-to-back with him to protect and preserve your financial future. "play money" is a cop-out.
The baby-making dialog is also suspect. Fertility rates drop dramatically after the age of 16 and it's very common for women in their mid to late 20s (and later) to have problems conceiving. Children a wonderful gift that are not by any means a guarantee. If you're blessed enough to have them you should count yourself fortunate.
At the time I met my husband – he made a little less than me. Then for a while he earned more than me and now we are about tied (not that it's a competition). Anyhow, there were oh so many factors as to why we got married, but I did appreciate that he was driven. Which in his field, translates to a nice income eventually. Throughout our marriage there has been layoffs, contracts ending, and late and no-pay renters. I can't say what a blessing it's been to have multiple streams of income throughout all this. It certainly eases some of the stress.
Another thing: In the past I did date a guy that was perfectly capable of getting a higher paying job but was working for less than 20k a year. I have to say that this bothered me, but I think it had more to do wanting someone with drive and not dollar signs.
I'm having a fairly similar discussion to your mom and dad with my partner at the moment. I want to sell our expensive house so we only need 1 mortgage… Not going so well. I think because she thought I'd be able to afford her a higher standard of living but at the moment it's not going to happen. I feel like sh&* for not living up to the expectations I guess I created
I think this might depend on how you figure you'll arrange your financial partnership. My husband and I have our finances 100% combined, so if one of us makes more money, we both benefit. While I was training for my career, he made a lot more than me, but I now I've surpassed him by a lot. We're both happier to have more money to save and do the things we want to do.
He doesn't have any issue with me making more money (he knew that would be the case with the career path for which I was training). I certainly appreciated his financial support during my training, but didn't seek that out. I have always been very independent, and would have gone down this path regardless. I suppose it comes down to how you were raised-I was raised to be independent, financially and otherwise, so I didn't seek a man to depend on. Others might have been brought up to seek someone to care for them.
I can't speak for all women, but the one's I do know want to have the options to be a stay at home mom for some portion of their children's life. They want to have financial security in their marriage, to do this both people were most likely secure prior to the marriage.
I want to marry a man that shares similar view and values about money with me. I do want the option to stay at home, but I may not exercise the option.
I will be happy to weigh in on the subject as a married man.
Marriage is a partnership. In this day and age, either partner can be the bread winner, the care giver or both. If they prefer to stay at home and can afford to do it, they should. If they would prefer to pursue a career, they should. As long as both partners agree and finances allow, there should be no guilt or judgement of what a couple chooses to do with their finances.
As for women who marry a man just for their money (aka Gold Diggers), they will likely find money, but they probably won't find happiness. In my opinion, this is a subtle form of prostitution and the moral baggage is about equal.
As for women who expect a man to be financially responsible, I couldn't agree with you more. Raising children is hard enough, without having to raise a dead-beat husband. The same can be said for wives who can't control their spending. Both are selfish and ruinous to the rest of the family.
I know this sounds very harsh and judgemental, but it needs to be identified straight-up for what it is.
I will have been married for 20 years in October and my wife has never worked. I have always supported her and she has always taken care of the children. At times, it was very difficult financially and my wife hasn't always appreciated how hard I have worked. But, I stepped up in my career and my wife did a fine job raising our children. We are happy with our choice, but your choice may be different and that is fine by me.