Do you think parents should provide financial assistance to their adult children? If so, do you think they should do so equally, or is it okay for parents to give more money to one child? Is providing an unequal inheritance or favoring one child financially ever fair? Is inequality always a sign of sibling favoritism?
Questions like these pour into my inbox each month. These letters come from distressed and heartbroken readers who are trying to figure out how to deal with financial unfairness from their parents.
What happens when parents financially support a sibling? Does that child become dependent on his or her parent’s money? Does he or she ever learn to break free from the cycle of handouts?
How do financial gifts impact the other siblings? What happens when that sibling favoritism continues into adulthood?
Each time I open one of these letters, I pause, reflect on my thoughts, and respond as honestly as possible. The first set of questions arrived in an email six years ago. Since then, a slew of letters have trickled into my inbox, including one I received two days ago.
Why do they keep coming, and what do readers hope to gain by reaching out to me? The answers may surprise you.
Parents Favoring One Child Financially
Six years ago, I watched a close family member deal with issues of sibling rivalry. After a lifetime of witnessing financial favoritism, he began to break down.
It’s hard to watch someone you love struggle this way. After wrestling with my own thoughts, I wrote a short post about it. I described a set of parents that continually give more money to one child.
To be clear, I’m not talking about grown children with special needs or emotional or physical hardships. Splitting an estate into equal amounts may not be possible when one adult child requires more financial resources to survive and thrive. In these situations, estate planning must take these different needs into account.I’m talking about two healthy adult children who have similar capabilities and intelligence.
The story plays out in families everywhere. One child works hard, saves his or her money, and succeeds in life. That child doesn’t watch his or her siblings act the same way. Instead, he or she watches them play hard, have fun, and struggle to pay their bills.
Parents fill the gap between the second sibling’s income and the life he or she wants to lead. As the days turn into months and years, the depth of financial inequality grows.
The rest of the children witness this financial unfairness. They continue to watch their parents financially support a sibling—a sibling who is unwilling to make it on their own.
As the scale tips in favor of one child over another, the resentment between siblings builds. When the emotional toll becomes unbearable, sibling relationships shatter.
Favoring One Child Over Another
It’s been many years since I wrote that post, but the old timestamp doesn’t deter readers from reaching out to me. I still receive heartfelt emails from readers who stumble upon it. These readers feel broken and defeated by financial favoritism in their family.
They reach out for comfort. They want someone to say I understand and I’m sorry. The pain in those letters is palpable. The raw emotions often bring me to tears.
How to Deal With Parents Who Favor Another Sibling
One letter begins; “My parents favor my older sister, and it hurts me to see them together.” Another says, “I feel left out of my whole family. How can I deal with parents who favor my sibling and have favored her for years?”
The third reads, “Why do my parents favor the bad child? My parents favor my brother over me and buy him everything. He is selfish and only cares about himself. My parents never give me any money.”
I am not a trained psychologist. I’m just a blogger who writes about money. I read these words and provide my opinion when readers ask for it.
After years of reading those letters, I felt the need to revisit this topic. I hope that others will stumble upon this new post. I hope they will find an outlet to express their thoughts and feelings.
What are some ways in which parents show financial favoritism? Here are a few details I’ve received from readers over the years. Each is a demonstration of parents favoring one child.
- My parents bought my sister a car but didn’t buy one for me.
- My parents paid for my siblings college tuition and expenses but not mine.
- My parents buy my sister everything.
- My parents bought my sibling a house.
- My brother gets everything he wants.
- My parents bought my sibling a house.
My Parents Favor My Brother Over Me
Let’s discuss a hypothetical scenario—picture two biological sons raised in the same household. The first grown child is a go-getter. He works hard in school, graduates on time, and secures a decent job after college.
As the years wear on, his salary increases. This sibling earns money and saves. He doesn’t live an extravagant life by any means. He eats at home, drives old cars, and vacations close to home.
The second grown child does not take advantage of his opportunities. He fails out of college and begins working at a lower starting salary than his brother. He burns through money as quickly as he earns it.
My Parents Keep Giving My Brother Money
When he runs out of cash, this brother is happy to spend his parent’s money. He consistently accepts their handouts and always chooses the pricier options in life.
His parents buy him a house and an expensive car. They do not offer the other child any of these benefits. This enables the favored child to spend his own money on extravagant vacations.
He can spend money on anything his heart desires. If he goes into debt, his parents hand out money to repair his bad spending habits and poor life decisions.
Now put yourself in those shoes. What if your parents buy your brother everything he wants. What if you pay for the things you need while your brother spends your parents money without batting an eyelash? How does it feel when your parents favor your brother over you? How does it feel when your parents keep giving your brother money?
My Parents Favor My Sister Over Me
Now let’s discuss a second scenario. This time picture two biological daughters raised in the same household. In this example, the older child chooses a career in engineering while the younger child chooses a career in teaching. Again the first child can afford the items she desires. The second child cannot.
In this case, should the parents provide financial assistance to the younger sister? Should they buy her sports equipment, summer vacations, and a down payment on a house or new car? Should they buy nice things because she cannot afford them?
If you were the parent in these scenarios, would you offer financial assistance? Would you answer the same way for the scenario for both examples? Did the details of the story cause you to react differently? How would it feel if your parents provided your brother or sister with a handful of cash, but didn’t offer you any?
Now imagine you are a sibling in these examples.
My Parents Bought My Sibling a House
How would you feel if your parents bought your sibling a house and didn’t give you anything at all? Maybe your parents helped your brother buy a home he could never afford on his own, or your dad secretly pays your brothers’ rent. How does it feel when you watch house prices rise and know you can’t save up for a down payment?
Maybe you’ve approached your parents for money. Do they refuse to give you cash or tell you they can’t help? In a perfect world, your parents wouldn’t buy your sibling a house without providing you with a similar financial gift, but if you’ve read this far, you know the world isn’t perfect.
Parents Giving More Money To One Child
As a parent, would you be willing to give more money to one child than another? If you are willing to offer your adult children money, you are not alone. Nearly 75% of parents are helping their children financially.
Many parents provide financial assistance to their adult children, but what happens when gifts aren’t handed out equally? Is it ever okay for parents to give more money to one child? What happens when parents keep giving more money to one child? What happens when sibling favoritism continues into adulthood?
Children can grow into angry, frustrated adults. Imagine yourself in the same situation. How would you feel if your parents gave money to one child without ever offering to help you?
The examples above are not fictitious stories. They are real-world examples emailed by grown men and women.
Why do readers email me? Because it feels awkward and strange to discuss this topic in the real world. Admitting that your parents favor one child financially isn’t an easy task. It’s one of those dirty money problems no one wants to talk about. Once you utter this sentiment, you can’t take back your words.
Many of my readers feel ashamed and embarrassed. They can’t talk openly for fear that others will judge them or perceive them as being greedy.
They can’t discuss the situation in real life. When they do, friends tell them to keep their noses out of their parent’s business.
“You have everything you need,” their friends tell them. “Why are you asking for equality? Things aren’t equal now. You can pay for your own stuff. Why do you care if your parents give more money to one child? Why do you want more?”
Some of you will agree with these sentiments. You may be reading this post, thinking “get over it” or “stop complaining.” You may say, “It’s the parents’ money; they can do whatever they want with it.” If you feel this way, you were most likely raised in a balanced family where you felt appreciated and loved.
I’ve never dealt with financial inequality in my own family, but I have seen it many times. In those cases, the favoritism was extensive. Parents didn’t just give one sibling more money. They gave more love and attention too.
Sibling Financial Favoritism
What is sibling financial favoritism? Financial favoritism occurs when parents provide unequal financial gifts to their children. Giving more money to one child isn’t just a monetary issue. Favoring one child financially disrupts the family balance. It can lead to a lifetime of resentment and pain.
Siblings talk about money, balance ledgers, unequal inheritances, wills, and other financial jargon. Talking this way makes them appear greedy and selfish, but in reality, this isn’t about money. Complex family dynamics create a wide range of emotions, and these grown children feel angry, sad, and distressed.
This pain extends back through childhood. It involves sibling rivalries that began when they were small. It stems from the belief that parents love one sibling more than another. They feel like their parents play favorites and provide preferential treatment to the child they love.
As young children, kids measure parental affection in hugs and kisses. As adults, they begin to equate money with love. The idea of sibling financial favoritism weighs heavily upon them. Parents who favor one child over the other leave can leave one child with deep emotional scars. It occupies their thoughts and leaves them feeling hurt and unloved.
Some of you want to know, “Why would the successful sibling feel jealous of financial inequality? If the child is financially stable, why would they care if their parents give more money to one child?”
The reasons are complex.
Helping One Child
Here is an example: One reader spoke at length about wanting to become an artist. Although she dreamed of creating art, she chooses a job as an accountant. She chose a stable, well-paid profession so she wouldn’t have to worry about paying her bills.
In contrast, her sister studied writing and dreamed of becoming a novelist. While she wrote books, her parents paid for her food and housing.
The ‘successful’ sibling was miserable. What would her life be like if she had pursued her passion? If she knew her parents would foot the bill, she would have chosen a different profession.
She was successful but miserable. The ability to pay her bills did not leave her feeling happy and fulfilled.
The same goes for many other readers who talk about working in jobs they hate. They trudge off to work while their lower-paid siblings live off their parents’ subsidies.
These readers feel less love from their parents. If they quit their jobs, would their parents support them? Most of the people who write to me believe their parents wouldn’t give them a dime.
Why Does a Parent Favor One Child?
Why does a parent favor one child? Sometimes parents gravitate towards certain children. This often happens if they have similar temperaments, personalities, or physical attributes. Other times they side with a child who is easy to get along with or one who can be easily manipulated and controlled.
Favoritism hurts. When parents favor one child financially, this pain intensifies. Sibling financial favoritism destroys relationships between family members. It’s difficult to watch a sibling get more love, attention, and financial rewards too.
Complex Feelings: Bitterness and Anger
It’s hard to stand by while a sibling receives handouts. Will your sibling ever stop spending your parents’ money? Will he or she ever stop accessing the bank of mom and dad?
It makes some adult children cry out, “It’s not fair!” Sure we all know life isn’t fair, but when the inequality stems from within the family unit, it can be harder to bear.
Some of my readers are mistaken for being greedy. One reader said she didn’t really want the money. She wanted her family to recognize that she didn’t have an amazing life.
Her parents kept telling her she had everything and to feel grateful. It didn’t matter that she was horribly unhappy in her stable job.
She said, “My sister has it so easy. She works in a job she loves, and my parents foot the other bills. In the meantime, I stare miserably at the side of a cubicle all afternoon. I’m stuck in a job I don’t love.”
Defining and Judging Needs
Many of the readers who write to me live within their means. They carefully weigh their wants and needs. Many of them drive old cars and live in smaller houses. They watch their parents pay for new cars or bigger homes for their siblings.
Disciplined adults buy used products and forgo camp for their kids. Their siblings are unwilling to live with less. They ask for money for equipment and pricey sleep away camps.
Their definition of the term needs differs greatly from their family’s definition. They want their parents to say, “no, you don’t need that pricey stuff’ and they feel hurt when that doesn’t happen.
Parents Financially Support Sibling
I have not experienced financial inequality from my own parents. I have seen it many times via extended family members.
Conflict arises when one sibling perceives the other as lazy. Readers say things like: If I work hard, stay on track and save my money, I can afford a house in a nice community.
If my sibling does not do these things, does he ‘deserve’ the same life that I live? Do we not make choices in our lives and have to live by the choices we made? What about the sacrifices I have made to achieve my goals?
If I choose to become a software engineer, then I may earn a lot, but I might not enjoy my job. In that case, money wins over enjoyment. If my sibling chooses to become an artist, she may love her job but not be able to afford a house in a nice community.
Resentment grows when a sibling sees his or her counterpart getting the best of both worlds: a life they enjoy and financial success (in the form of money from their parents).
The bitterness blooms when a sibling has to forge his own path in life. Then watches his parents financially support a sibling without a care in the world.
Imagine working hard in a job you don’t love to pay your mortgage. Now imagine watching your parents buy your sibling a house he can’t afford.
How does it feel for one sibling to settle into a career while the other runs up debt? Is it fair for the parents to play favorites and even the financial score?
That sibling had the time of his life and ends up right on track with his sibling, who had to work hard. Many readers are resentful of their siblings. “I didn’t enjoy the last ten years the way my sibling did, and now we are on equal ground.”
How to Deal with Financial Unfairness from Parents
How do you deal with unequal financial support from your parents? Do they divide their money in a way that feels unfair and unjustified? How do you handle their financial favoritism?
First, ask yourself, “What bothers you about your parents’ decision to give more money to your sibling?” Is it really about the money, or is there something deeper to explore?
Why are you upset about your parents’ decision to provide unequal financial gifts? Have you always felt less important than your sibling? Have your parents always treated your brother or sister differently? Do you think your parents love your sibling more than you?
What can you do in these types of situations? How can you deal with financial unfairness from your parents? First, try to accept your feelings.
It’s easy for outsiders to say, “I wouldn’t be upset or feel angry.” Good for them. They are not you. You have a right to feel unhappy about the situation. Don’t let anyone shame you for the way you feel. Recognize the complex emotions for what they are rather than what others tell you they should be.
Unfortunately, you may not be able to change the situation. Most of the time, you have to accept it for what it is without letting your negative feelings overwhelm you.
If your parents give more money to your sibling, they will probably continue to do so. Unfortunately, once your brother or sister accepts your parents’ handouts, he or she will continue to ask for more. It’s incredibly difficult to break the circle of dependency once it begins.
If you are able to pay your bills, then the good news is that you don’t need your parents’ money. You made it on your own.
You can count the blessings in your life and focus on the positive things that surround you. Do you have a good relationship with your spouse or significant other? Are the people in your life healthy and strong?
How to Deal With Parents Who Favor Your Sibling
If you are struggling to cope with your emotions, consider seeking advice from a trained therapist or counselor. Professionals can provide tools and techniques to help you deal with parental favoritism.
It’s not easy to deal with parents who favor one child over another. It may be difficult to watch your parents provide handouts on a routine basis. Pain and resentment may grow with each passing gift.
Bitter feelings often arise when parents become a crutch for a sibling’s bad behavior. The angriest letters come from readers whose parents financially support a sibling.
A little money here or there seems reasonable, but when the sibling can no longer survive without those handouts, the anger builds. Readers become downright irate at the thought of their siblings spending their parents’ hard-earned money.
In these situations, it’s important to keep a calm mind and clear head. Take deep breaths and reflect on your thoughts and feelings before talking to any members of your family.
Remember that your words and actions may impact your future relationships. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it should not be taken lightly either. Make sure you can discuss the subject matter calmly and rationally if you do choose to speak up.
I know that this won’t make up for the injustice you feel, but the truth is you have little to no say in the matter. If your brother or sister is willing to put his or her hand out for money, your parents will continue to supply gifts.
This will probably continue for most, if not all, of their adult life. Since the situation is unlikely to go away, your best option is to do your best to look beyond it.
If you are unhappy with your current life, search for ways to make it better. Learn about financial independence and strive to pursue your goals independently.
Sibling Spending Parents’ Money
Will your sibling ever stop spending your parents’ money? Over time it will become extremely difficult for your brother or sister to grow strong and capable. With each financial handout, your parents destroy your sibling’s desire to work and succeed. Over time a dependency forms that cannot be broken.
It’s little consolation, but this family situation will provide you with incredible resilience. As your parents support your sibling, they weaken his or her resolve.
You, on the other hand, have no choice but to make it on your own. So you will dig deep within yourself to achieve greatness. In many cases, you will become more successful in life than your favored sibling.
You will end up with more friends and deeper relationships outside of your family. Determined to be a success, you will strive for feats your sibling will never take on.
It’s easy to become weak when you don’t have to work hard to achieve financial success on your own. Look the other way when your parents support your sibling financially. Be thankful that you can find the will and determination to stand on your own successfully.
How do you deal with financial unfairness? What can you do when you feel less supported by your parents than your siblings? How do you come to terms with parents who don’t treat each child equally?
I don’t have all of the answers. They depend on your family dynamic, your ability to speak openly with your parents, and your belief that things could change.
Take Pride in Your Success
Be thankful for all that you have accomplished in life. Look around at your successes, write them down, and read that list to yourself regularly. You are in control of your life and your finances. Pat yourself on the back for that, because many people are not in the same situation.
Recognize that your parents may continue to enable your sibling. As a result, your brother or sister may continue to make the wrong choices and to act carelessly at times. Talk to them if you feel it will help, but approach your conversation carefully. Recognize, in most instances; they don’t want your advice and most likely won’t change their ways.
Accept the discrepancies. Your parents are not keeping a ledger of payments or ensuring their estate plan levels the playing field. In reality, they may not be able to ‘even the score’ or divide their estate equally.
Don’t keep a scorecard or lay your hopes on receiving more money upon their death. That’s just creepy, plus for all, you know, they will outlive you. Don’t waste your time on this Earth waiting to see what happens when someone dies. Make peace with the situation as it stands right now!
I realize this is all easier said than done. Believe me, I do, but in time it does get better if you change your frame of mind. Once you know you can’t do anything about it, you can stop carrying the bitterness around with you. Sometimes therapy is the best way to address your resentment.
Sibling Harmony and Balance
I hope to provide equal gifts to my own children, but I really have no idea what their lives will entail. I plan to talk to them about financial decisions. My goal is to avoid hurt feelings and pain. I will discuss my thoughts and ensure that communication remains open as much as possible along the way.
My mom served as a great example for me. She tried her best to create harmony in our family. As children, neither of us suffered from emotional or physical hardships, which certainly made it easier to balance our needs.
Still, I don’t want to diminish my mom’s efforts. She split her time, attention, love, and money equally. As a mom of two children, I know that’s harder to accomplish than it sounds.
Inheritance Favoritism
Unfortunately, this balance isn’t always easy to achieve. Family dynamics are complicated. Unresolved conflicts between siblings and parents can fester and grow well into adulthood. Add in the complexity of money, and the lines between love and loved ones can easily blur.
These negative feelings can persist as parents age and need financial support and long after they’re gone. Favoritism issues don’t end after a parent dies; in many cases, they flare after the funeral when inheritance favoritism rears its ugly head.
Sibling Balance: My Story
My own memory of familial balance came at the age of four or five.
“Am I your favorite?” I asked my mom as I climbed into her lap just before bedtime. I was sleepy from a long day of activities and in need of extra reassurance and love.
My mom’s expression grew soft. I paused quietly so she could answer. She looked down at me with her big brown eyes, pulled the hair away from my brow, and spoke without hesitation.
She didn’t have to ponder the question or think of an appropriate answer. “You know I love you and your brother equally,” she said. Her response felt like a simple fact, a truth that cannot be denied.
She gently cupped my face within her hands and planted a kiss upon my forehead. At that moment, I wholeheartedly believed her. To this day, I still do.
I hope one day, my children can say the same. I know we all do.
I so get this! And went back and read your prior post too. This happens in my husbands family and I so admire that he never gets upset over this, as it drives me crazy.
My in-laws pretty much support my BIL’s family. BIL/SIL just have to pay for wants, as my in-laws are always there to pay the bills, clean up messes, etc. Once they didn’t pay their water bill (immediately after my in-laws paid for new sod, daily watering required etc), THEN went out of town and left my in-laws figuring out the water situation, paying the late fees, etc.
My SIL doesn’t work and my in-laws pay for daycare so she can have “time to find herself”. This went on for years.
They helped them buy a bigger house in a better school district, pay off credit card bills when their debt to income ratio became an issue, take them to the beach every year, I could go on and on.
My husband and I probably make 3x what my BIL does, and we’re savers (even paid off the house, not that we’ve told our family). I love the stability we have and wouldn’t trade that for all the handouts in the world. But there is one situation that really upset me. Several years ago my BIL was in a minor accident, everyone was fine, but his car was so old it was just totaled out as it wasn’t worth fixing. He got maybe $500. My in-laws gave him their one year old car to help him and keep him from having a payment on a new one. My in-laws then bought a new car for themselves, so still a two car family. My BIL traded in the new to him car for one that cost twice as much (with payments). Whenever BILs car is in the shop the in-laws loan him one of theirs – they offer, we’ve been there to hear it.
My husband gets in a bad accident where his car is totaled, we end up at urgent care, etc (he is fine now, but scary that day). We pretty much got a “oh that’s too bad” reaction from his parents – not that I was expecting them to give us a car. The other driver was at fault and their insurance company was awful (to the point that we filed with our own and paid the deductible just to keep things moving – and it turned out the other driver hadn’t paid his premiums so would have been there anyways). So in the initial days where it would have been great to have a rental, we were dealing with the insurance company and it would have been awesome to borrow one of their cars. We didn’t feel right asking, and it was never offered…so we just dealt with it (this was just before Uber became a real thing in our area). That’s the main time the favoritism just seemed so unfair.
Oh Anonforthisone, I’m sorry to hear that you and your husband have been dealing with sibling financial favoritism for so long. It always amazes me to read these stories and to see how differently one sibling is treated compared to another. It’s so amazing that this doesn’t bother your husband. I admire those who can see the differences between parents and siblings and just say “it is what it is” and move on from there. Kudos to him for pushing through it. In these situations neither party usually changes, which means you will continue to see your in-laws gift your BIL and SIL whatever they want for as long as they want it. I am glad your husband survived his car accident, but I’m sorry you didn’t receive the help when you felt you needed it.
I do love that this doesn’t eat at my husband and he has a great relationship with his parents.
I also can’t make this up – he spoke with them earlier today – they are giving my BIL yet another car! It just never ends.
I am glad that we don’t need the support – just appalled that my in-laws will never tell their other son to grow up and become an adult!
Did you ever read The Giving Tree as a child? It can feel so true to life. Parents can perpetually give and children can perpetually keep their hands out ready for the next gift. It’s tough to look past the feelings of inequality, but if they are giving your BIL another car, my guess is that this giving won’t stop. I’m curious, do you feel like your BIL asks for their help or if your in-laws are simply quick to jump in to help even before he can ask for it.
It really does, that is a great analogy!
BIL asks most of the time but it is so ingrained a strong complaint or hint from him and SIL will cause my in-laws to open their wallets and hand over whatever is needed.
Relate:3 adult children, , 2nd still at home parents: co-sign purchase for both purchase property me oldest nothing of co-sign when asked.
I am so sad to read these stories but am also happy to feel that I am not alone.
My husband’s family is exactly like this, it’s actually torn us apart.
The straw was when my mother and father in law arranged a month long vacation to Hawaii and brought my husbands brother (who has always been spoiled) his wife, who doesn’t work and their children, who are the same age as mine 5 & 7 with them.. and left us here without even asking.
After they got back they had a lot of guilt , which they should have..
I asked them why they would only take one set of grandchildren and not the other, and instead of owning it, my MIL accused me of pitting her sons against each other.
Since this time I have been in therapy and my marriage has been strained.
Before the Hawaii trip, we used to look after their elderly dog every winter while they would all fly to Florida, leaving us here also. The last year they tried to do it when the dog was ill and I had a brand new baby, I said I didn’t want to. They reacted very badly and told me they weren’t going to be able to help with my son as a punishment.
Needless to say, I’ve been mentally struggling since. I feel sick over how we have been treated.
Anyhow, it’s just nice to be able to vent like this.
Lesley, Thank you for sharing your story. As you said, it hurts to read these stories, but it helps to know that you and others like you are not alone. I hope that you can create a space for yourself. Good job on setting up boundaries. It sounds like you are trying your best to separate. I hope that you and your husband can work things out. Ultimately you cannot control your in-laws, you can only control your reaction to them.
Hello One Frugal Girl, is there any way to subscribe to your blogposts via email?
Kind regards,
Sam
I do not have a way to subscribe via email yet, but you are the second person to ask this week so I may need to look into it.
It almost feels like I can’t respond to this because wow is my story outlandish. But I think I can say without bias: If it didn’t touch on me, if they were providing their own money and not endangering their own futures, I wouldn’t have cared how much my parents financially favored my older sibling. Their (hypothetical) money was not my money.
It’s too bad they didn’t feel the same way about mine.
It made me barking mad that they took directly from me to support my flagrantly irresponsible sibling and that they continued to do this to my detriment in myriad ways. That was equally both my parents, though I don’t hold it against Mom because I know she truly and deeply loved us both and was trying to do her best to keep the family together, rather than to benefit herself in the way that Dad was doing it. But it still cut deeply and more so because it took me so long to see it for what it was. It’s weird that it took me a long time to see so much of the truth considering I had told them very early on that if they didn’t quit helping him, they were just creating an albatross to hang around my neck. I knew a lot more at 13 than I realized. Even now I know that even though I refuse to give him one more penny, SOMEONE is going to have to take care of him as we age, after Dad dies. That’s assuming I’m not dragged to the altar of filial piety again if he should be long-lived and sick. Ugh.
Holy smokes Revanche! This adds another layer of financial favoritism that I never even thought about. A sibling that is asked to provide for her parents, who then provide that money back to an irresponsible sibling. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with that especially at the age of 13!
I don’t think parents realize the depth of the financial hand-holding they create and that one day, (after they pass on), their responsible children will most likely need to step in to help. That is a burden no sibling should bear. Particularly considering that sibling has already stood on the sidelines and watched the destruction.
My mother glibly announced one day she was leaving her completely paid off home with three rentals in the upstairs (an income generating property) to my sister. She and her husband both work part-time, my BIL collects unemployment about 1/2 the year. I lost most of my life savings during a divorce, my ex-husband looted the community so he could try to avoid having to pay support by working during the divorce. I’ve worked my a$# off ever since and managed to buy myself a condo and save almost 1/2 of my income annually, and most recently remarried to someone financially well-off. My mother did help me with my lawyer bills, and put me through college. She also, kept an accounting list of all that, however in the past I also helped her by giving her a free, paid-off car with only 40,000 miles, paid for repairs to her house, offered to repay the divorce expenses and other things which amazingly, never show up in the ‘credit’ section of her list of expenses for me. My sister has never had an accounting listed off to her, despite receiving $500 per month for years, living at my mother’s for free for years including recently when my nephew was expelled from school, multiple trips abroad, school paid for including a semester in Europe, etc. The house and accounting list with zero credits was the last straw for me, my sister was totally fine with taking everything and basically told me if I wanted any kind of inheritance for myself or daughter I should “go talk to our stepmother, she’s a homeowner”. I can’t bring myself to talk to my mom or sister now, unfortunately for me I got my sister a job where I work and I have to see her there. She’s moving to a different office soon so I won’t have to swallow my resentment and bitterness every day while I try to be polite to the person who is fine taking everything and enjoys being the favorite with no thought about her sister or niece. I wish she would leave.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I can certainly understand your pain and anguish. I don’t know why parents choose to create financial ledgers for some children, but not others. If you read through the comments on this post you will see that you are far from alone. Many other parents treat their children unfairly and don’t seem to feel any remorse in doing so. I do hope your sister finds work elsewhere so you don’t have to think about this inequality on a daily basis. I wish you the best of luck moving forward.
I think if the kids can respect that it is their parents’ hard earned money and it is their choice to do whatever they wish with their money, ie support their favourite child, spent it all or give it to charity, they will not feel that it is unfair.
That’s an interesting perspective. Some of the people that email me do not respect their siblings. From what I gather they are angry that their parents provide money that enables their siblings to behave more like a child than an adult. I don’t think they disrespect their parents desire to give their money away as they see fit. In fact, I think they would be happier if their parents gave it to charity than to spend it on a sibling that, (in their own words), “isn’t acting like an adult.” I appreciate your comment.
It is unfair and wrong unless there is sickness and hardship involved.
I tend to agree with that sentiment.
@By,
In much the same way offspring are not owed their parents money and parents can spend it as they please, offspring don’t owe their parents attention, love and support either.
That is the thing that gets me about people who argue your view point. They don’t see, or even protest, the fact the pendulum swings both ways. They call it an outrage when the unfavored children go no contact, but gleefully insist they have a right to be mentally, emotionally and financially abusive to the unfavored children.
Sharing here, as I shared on an older post. Sorry!
Just discovering this article and my situation is similar in some ways. My older brother is the go-getter – married, has 2 children. He’s smart with his money. I on the other hand, had a rough start to adulthood, but eventually found my footing. Graduated college, struggled in low paying job for quite some time. While I was struggling, I was living in a shack-like apartment owned by a dear friend who charged minimal rent, while working 60+hrs a week for very low pay. My brother on the other hand was given a down payment for an apartment for him and his wife to purchase. Eventually they had their first child, and with that came my father giving my brother his very nice, new, large SUV for traveling with the baby. Additionally, he gave a large sum of cash to start a college fund. Then came baby #2. Again, father gifted them his new SUV he bought to replace the one he’d given them previously & gave a hefty check to jump start baby #2’s college fund. My father also bought the home my brother and his family live in & pays the taxes associated with the home; my brother pays for utilities only. Now, he writes a check every Christmas for his grandchildren’s college fund, pays for their private school education, reimburses them for any travel when they choose to visit my parents. My brother has a very successful career, has always made good money & been great about saving it, yet he received all the additional help he can get. My brother decided a few years ago, to open a business and asked my father for $75k. My father wrote the check. That business failed unfortunately, and from what i’m told, the money was never paid back to my father. To clear his conscious, my father wrote me a check for equal amount, regardless of my insisting that he not. Unfair to be out double the amount originally loaned.
Meanwhile, i’m single, not married, no children, and I live in a studio apartment, in which I pay $30k/year in living expenses. My father did help me years ago by buying my vehicle, which is now about 8yrs old; i’m extremely grateful for this gift – At that time I wasn’t as financially secure as I am now. He also reimburses my health care premiums – this was something he started doing when I was struggling financially & couldn’t afford healthcare, and has continued to do it. 10yrs ago he agreed to offer me a downpayment for a home, not purchase, but the down payment, came with conditions & stipulations – ultimately he wanted to control what and where I chose to live. Not something my brother had to deal with. I ultimately rejected his offer to help as a result, and continued to struggle making ends meet on my own, while watching the financial help continue with my brother & his family. Every Christmas, I receive the same amount of money / gift as my brother, his wife, and 2 kids receive. We all 5 receive the same amount of money. I received the same as my sister-in-law. This bothers me still, as much as I wish it didn’t.
My mother fell ill at one point, and told my father, as she was in the hospital – “Do not let me leave this world without seeing my daughter with a roof of her own, over her head” – and with that, the discussion about purchasing a home again began, only this time, it would not be just the downpayment.
My mother has always been a stay-at-home mom, my father being the breadwinner, so he makes all the financial decisions for the two of them. I’m not sure what the justifying logic is for my father, or why he can’t see that giving to one child may negatively impact the other. I honestly would be lying if I didn’t say that it affects me deeply. I watch my brother live comfortably, purchase fancy cars for hobby, take family vacations, and can’t help but think how some of these things may not be possible without the financial aid provided by my father. The financial support given to him by my father has afforded him & his family a certain, comfortable lifestyle.
I wish I didn’t feel the iequality in all of this, but it’s becoming more and more painfully obvious with each passing year.
Thank you for posting on this topic; it felt good to get my thoughts on this out.
Thank you for leaving such a long and detailed comment. I have a question for you. It sounds like your parents have offered to provide you with gifts but you have chosen not to take them. Is that true or have I misinterpreted your words? If you have been offered similar gifts why have you chosen not to take them? I too have turned down gifts, because it is in my nature to do so, but I have not been struggling financially. It sounds like you could use the help so I am curious why you have not chosen to take it.
Dear One Frugal Girl
I read your both posts, and it helped me so much to put my thoughts in place. Thank you for that.
My story is as follows. I have an older sister who I love very much, but we always used money differently. I’m the one who is very careful with money and never spend everything I have. You cannot say it about my sister. To make story as short as possible, we both got the same opportunities as children it’s first when we move out where thing begun to change. I moved to another country (11 hours drive from my home town) Since then me and my boyfriend got no help from my parents (It’s been 12 years now). Meanwhile my sister and her husband got her rent paid in many years, although they had both work and maybe could handle things on their own (we’ll never find out). Basically, my parents favored my sister’s family my whole adult life. And that’s a fact.
I’m fine with it for many reasons, some less selfish then others. I love my family and believe my parents can do whatever they want with their money, although I don’t understand that they do not feel need to treat us a little bit more equally. The more selfish reason is that it helps me to feel less guilty that I move to another country, and that I will not be there for them when they get old.
In December last year my grandfather died leaving a small apartment to my parents. Which is in the same building as my parents’ apartment. Then it was decided that my sister and her husband will get my parents apartment (which is bigger) and my parents will move to the small apartment which then will be sign to me in their will. Now after 10 months they still haven’t made the testament, but the bigger apartment is already my sisters’ property.
But here comes twist in my story it’s my boyfriend, not me, that has a huge problem with it. He was saying to me in many years that he doesn’t think that what my parents do is right and will never understand how you can treat your children so differently. He had all the thoughts you describe: “Do we not make choices in our life and must live by the choices we made? What about the sacrifices we have made to achieve our goals?” “Your sister and husband have it so easy. They work in a job they love, and your parents foot the other bills. We on the other hand had to clean toilets to get where we are now” He was raised in a family where financial favoritism was simply wrong, his father was always the less important child in his family- in many ways, not only financially.
To make matters worse when my grandfather died all in his apartment was said to be free to take. In this apartment was a lot of things that we gave to grandfather f.eg. washing machine, fridge and table with four chairs. But when my boyfriend called my mother to ask if we can take chairs, she said that they wanted to keep them for themselves. We were hoping to get the chairs for my boyfriends’ mother, for she really needed new ones. My parents didn’t need them. My boyfriend is a very proud person, so he didn’t ask or explained why he wanted the chairs. It was chairs grandfather got from us, so if we wanted to take them, we shouldn’t have to explain why. My boyfriend got in to his car drove to Ikea and bought his mom new chairs. But that was it for him, he doesn’t want to have anything to do with my parents. Which is very upsetting, but can I really blame him? I feel that if they weren’t my parents, I would feel the same way. It just took me some time to realize it.
When I confronted my parents to ask if they can reconsider their decision about the apartment, it ended in them getting mad on my boyfriend and saying things like “Who is he to decide what we do with our money, he is not even your husband, if he wants we can get loan from bank and give you money, so he can be happy, but he’ll never be a part of this family”
I had some difficult talks with my parents, both because I would never ask for anything if it wasn’t for my boyfriend, I was just desperate to make them see the problem, but also because I had to realize and accept that he never was and will be treated as a part of the family. Those talks and your blog helped me accept my boyfriend’s feelings and I will no longer expect him to meet my parents if he doesn’t want to. He never said that fair is 50-50 but 0- 100% is just unacceptable for him. Maybe in time he will be able to meet with them, but I will not force it.
My boyfriend talks about money and it is important to him, so it is to me, but we are not materialists and know that money is not the most important thing in life. In fact, in the last 12 years, my family got much more from us than we did from them. I’ll no longer try to change my parents to prove my boyfriend is wrong about my sister being favored- because she clearly is, nor will I try to change my boyfriend to prove my parents he is not a greedy materialist they think he is. I know he’s not.
Tina, My heart aches for your story and your feelings about your sister and parents. It is extremely difficult to be an outsider to these family situations. As a child or sibling it’s much easier to forgive family members and look past the inequality, but as an outsider, (like your boyfriend), it can be difficult to witness your partner/spouse getting hurt by the actions of those who they love and who supposedly love them. Over the years my heart has broken a hundred times over. It’s difficult to watch someone I love feeling hurt and defeated. It sounds like you have come to an amazing conclusion. You realize that neither party is likely to change his/her or their minds. Your parents aren’t going to see your boyfriend’s point of view and you boyfriend is unlikely to see your parent’s point of view either. I wish I had learned this lesson earlier in my lifetime. I spent countless years believing family members would change if they could simply understand the hurt and pain. After trying to explain it over and over again I now realize that they simply don’t wish to see the facts or if they do see the facts to change their ways. Realizing that people are unlikely to change is a big step in dealing with this situation. You have to accept people for who they are and realize that you are unlikely to change them. In some strange way that takes the sting away. At least it did for me. In these types of situations families don’t want the opinions of boyfriends and in-laws. They don’t wish to be judged by those outside of the family. I don’t blame them for feeling that way and I don’t blame your boyfriend for feeling hurt when you are hurt either. It’s a tough situation, but it sounds like you are handling it as well as can be expected. Good luck to you, your boyfriend and your family.
Hello One Frugal Girl,
I really appreciate both this post and your previous post. I read both of them and I found them to be quite helpful. And I apologize for the novella I wrote below. I just like to give a full picture.
I’m the older sister and I have a younger sister. I’ve always worked hard and had jobs ever since I had my driver’s license. I would save my money, and spend some of it too in my younger years, but as I got older (mid-twenties) I was very financially stable. I went to college in the town where I grew up, but I stopped after 2 years because I wasn’t confident that my choice of degree (art history) would provide me with enough financial stability. I began bartending and managing restaurants, which not only excelled at, but also really enjoyed. Then my father asked me to come and work for him at his company. I think he realized that while for some people a career in restaurant management would be fulfilling, I think he believed me to need more of a challenge.
I loved working for my father’s company. Without going into too much detail, it was a distribution business and I started out as a buyer, but by my 5th year with the company I was the lead buyer and one of the most revered and respected members of the company. I loved sorting out logistical issues, and collaborating with other departments to solve problems, working with vendors and customers. It was a great learning experience and I am incredibly grateful for my father’s generosity and trust that I would succeed with his business. I was with the company for 11 years. I know it was my own abilities that made me a success, but I couldn’t have done it without my father’s help.
My sister came to work for the company as well about 4 years after I started working there. It took her a bit longer than me to gain her footing, but she always tried her best, and over time she too achieved much success with the company and still works for them today. I loved having my sister at the company with me. My sister and I have a great relationship. We are very honest and respectful and we don’t worry about who received what from our parents in terms of help either emotionally or financially.
I have always been the more independent one. I paid for most of my college tuition (which was cheaper than my sister’s because I went to a state school and she went out of state), I worked in college as well so I paid for my apartments, food, vacations, and most of my car expenses although my dad was always great about helping with a down payment and bought me my first car. He also paid for me to go to Ireland for a few months after I graduated from high school, but I got some side jobs over there so I didn’t need to ask him for much money. I wanted to buy a house a few years back, and my dad offered me money for a down payment. The house didn’t work out because I wasn’t really ready for the headaches that go along with being a home owner but he always told me the offer still stands. My dad has always been generous with me, that is absolutely true, he’s just a little more generous with my sister.
My sister has always needed more help, not just financially, but in most ways. My father treated my sister differently financially as well. He paid for my sister’s cars outright as well as all of their maintenance. My father paid for my sister’s college tuition, apartments, gave her an allowance, paid for her spring break and other vacations. He helped her with rent after college as well. He even started her out at a higher pay raise than me when she started working for the company. I started out at $12.00 per hour and was on that same hourly pay rate for over a year. She started out at a $45,000 per year salary and within 6 months got a raise. My father paid for the renovations on her home to the tune of $30,000.00+, and paid almost $30,000.00 for her wedding. I value my independence and take pride in providing for myself and working hard. I like living my life focused on my career, dogs, and travel. Both my sister and myself are living the lives we want, and if that means she gets more financial help from my dad, that’s ok. None of this bothered me, because I know if I asked my father for help, he would help me. Until recently.
About a year ago my father told me and my sister that he had some money that his father, our grandfather, gave him and he wanted to give it to us. He said it would be $5,000.00 each. We were both very grateful and he said once he had the money he would give it to us, but it would be a few weeks. A few months went by and my sister asked if our father gave me the money that he mentioned awhile back. I said no, and honestly had sort of forgotten about it. I asked my sister if our father gave her the money, and she said yes. I was a little surprised, but I figured he just hadn’t a chance to give it to me yet.
Fast forward about 15 months and I have left my father’s company (which he sold 2 years prior to my exit) to pursue going back to school and starting my own consulting business. It has been exciting and a little stressful financially, but I am doing pretty well, and really loving my new career path. My father still had yet to give me the money he offered over a year ago. I asked my sister what I should do about it, because I would love a little extra help right now to put towards my education and my business taxes. She said I should absolutely ask him and she was a little annoyed he hadn’t been fair about the situation. I think my sister has some guilt that my father has supported her financially ten times over what he has done for me. It doesn’t cause stress between the two of us, because I know money isn’t everything, but I think she still feels guilt.
I worked up the nerve to ask my dad about the money, without mentioning that he gave my sister her portion over a year ago. He said “Well, I don’t have the money yet”. Hmm, I thought this a strange response, and I proceeded to tell him I was hoping to use it for a certification course and to help with my business taxes. He asked me how much I needed, and I told him the course plus taxes would be about $1,800.00. He said he would mail me a check for $2,500.00 ;half of the amount that he promised and gave my sister over a year ago.
The whole situation has left me feeling extremely shameful for even asking for the money and as though my father doesn’t believe I am deserving or needing of his help. I find this beyond painful because I asked for help, and he made me feel like he was being put out with his response. I’m also hurt that he didn’t feel compelled to honor what he promised, especially since he’s so forthcoming with money when it comes to my sister. My father isn’t hard up for money. He purchased a $100,000 car as well as a small yacht recently. Selling his business has left him with more money than he knows what to do with.
I have been trying to think of why my father would behave this way. Why is it so hard for him to give me what he promised me? Why doesn’t he believe I deserve the same consideration as my sister? Have I just been harboring under the delusion that my independence was my own choice or has he sort of pushed me in this direction my whole life? What could I have done to cause him to treat me this way? Is my sister really more important to him? Maybe my father doesn’t approve of my career change. Maybe my father believes I’m the one that will have the more successful career path of an entrepreneur like him so I need to be a little hard up from time to time. Maybe he feels like I don’t believe I need his help.
My parents are divorced, so my mother is somewhat aware of the financial disparity, but she doesn’t know about this most recent situation, and I know it would upset her. She didn’t have much money when we were young, but she expressed regret that my sister needed more of her help than me, and she often felt like she neglected me and wasn’t able to provide me with the support I deserved. While talking to her just the other day, she asked how things were going financially since I started pursuing my dream. I told her since my business is new, it’s not as lucrative as my last job just yet, but I was staying a float, and I know I will be back on track soon. She told me that if I ever needed money to come to her straight away. After our call ended I cried for a long time. Mostly because I felt so loved and cared for, and grateful that at least one of my parents could appreciate that although I am strong, and very careful with my money, and very responsible, I might need help too. I don’t necessarily need the money, but I really appreciated the offer of help, and to know that I was considered.
I haven’t told my sister about this encounter, but if she asks I will fill her in. I know this won’t come between us. I am trying to look for the bright side here as well. I have my own money, independence, my own business, my mother’s support, great friends, and my own path. I know I am a good and deserving person of love and support, even if my father doesn’t acknowledge my request for help. I have a lot to be grateful for, even more than the money I haven’t received.
As I mentioned in my post I am not a counselor but I do respond to these comments when I receive them. Feel free to read my advice or discard it if it doesn’t help you.
First let me say thank you for reading my posts and leaving a comment. I hope that my words have helped you sort through your thoughts and feelings a little. It sounds like you have an incredible relationship with your mom and your sister. It also sounds like your dad has always been willing to give you money in the past. He helped you pay for a number of things and even offered money to help you with a home, so it sounds like his overall generosity is not in question. I have to say this is very different from most of the people who comment on my posts. Most of them tell me they have received almost no help while their sibling received a ton of it. In your case it sounds like your sister has received more help, but that your dad offered you quite a bit of help along the way too.
Honestly, after reading your comment I sensed great peace in the majority of your relationships. That’s amazing! If I were you I would forget about this specific $5,000 offer. From what I gather your dad is trying to help you. You said you needed $1,800 and he returned with an offer of $2,500. That shows he is willing to address your financial needs. He is even going above and beyond the actual amount you need. So let that specific $5,000 offer drop off the table. Forget about it the same way you did until your sister mentioned it to you.
If I understand your email correctly your life choices have impacted your finances and you may need more help to get by for awhile. If you really need the money to get through life that you might try asking him more directly for it. Rather than asking about this specific $5,000 ask him for what you need and talk to him about why you need it. He may or may not give you the money, but given his former generosity it seems reasonable that he would be willing to help you out. You have to decide how comfortable you are in asking and receiving a response you might not like.
I wanted to let you know that I read your next to last paragraph a couple of times. It’s very insightful that you mentioned feeling “loved and cared for” by your mother. As I said in my post a lot of people equate money with love. I don’t want to put any words in your mouth, but after reading your words it sounds like you are feeling less love from your dad because he isn’t offering you money. Is it really about the money or about feeling less loved? You said, “at least one of my parents could appreciate that although I am strong, and very careful with my money, and very responsible, I might need help too.” I think you might want to try to talk to your dad about these feelings.
You don’t have to present them as “I want or need money.” Maybe you could just say, “things are hard for me” or “things are harder for me than I thought they would be when I switched jobs.” You know your dad best, so I don’t know if this is a conversation you can have with him or not. It just seems from that next to last paragraph that you aren’t feeling “loved and cared for” in the way you want to be. I’m not sure if this is something a conversation would fix. Only you know that, but I would ask you to read that paragraph a few times and see how you feel after reading it.
Is this about financial inequality or simply feeling like he’s not asking how things are going for you the way your mom does? Sometimes we need the money less than the emotional support. Sometimes we just want someone to check in with us to make sure we are okay. Does that make sense? If not, feel free to comment or email me again.
Your post helped me understand financial favoritism in different ways. Till now I always just thought it was about loving one child a little bit more. This is certainly true in my case. My sibling was and is helped along continually in life. Not just instead of me but also at the expense of me. My father lent me money to go to college – he asked that I pay it back in five years after I start working and with 25% interest. This is steeper than what most banks would charge but he explained to the 18 year old me that with engineering salaries at big companies it would be something I could well afford. i paid him the principal and interest in 3 years after graduation. I did struggle to settle myself because cost of living is high. I live in a rented old house, send my child to public schools, drive old cars etc. I have a spouse that got diagnosed with mental illness and cant work. My sibling, went to work for my dad. My parents are very wealthy. My dad paid for his college, bought him a house in a swanky neighborhood, paid for his sports car and recently a Land Rover for his spouse, pays for private school tuition for his children. My sibling married into the right kind of family. My sister in law is a good person but my parents don’t have a good relationship with her. My mother will often complain about how ungrateful my sis in law is – with the millions of dollars they have lavished and the standard of living they are able to enjoy because of my parent’s generosity. My father recently asked me to cosign a cash loan for money he needed for some property purchase. My mother is often secretive but in her bitterness she let slip that they have purchased an investment property for my sibling but no matter what they do, she feels my sister in law cant act grateful. My parents have asked me to buy them things, hotel reservations and airline tickets which they forget to pay back. They invite my sibling and his family on expensive vacations. All in all, I have been cheated out of about a hundred thousand dollars of my money over the years. I say nothing, though I am bitter…my parents are narcissistic people, I try to limit interactions with them but they will keep calling and guilting me for not meeting them or calling more, especially around the time they feel slighted by my sibling and his family. Very recently my father told me that he is unable to keep up payments on the loan because his money is all ‘tied up’ and will have to default. He asked that I make the payments for now since it will look bad for me as I am a cosigner. I know I will not see the money again. When I look at the overall picture I dont understand why they are so blinded in their love for my sibling and so ready to sacrifice me and even their own grandchild’s future for this. My sibling is manipulative and clever – too much like them. All this came bubbling up today because my mother called and excitedly told me that she and my father are hosting a birthday party for my nephew next month, for about 100 guests at one of the poshest restaurants in town. She gave me a heads up to be prepared to help with the arrangements, invitee lists etc. I dont even recall my parents even taking my kid out somewhere in all these years.
I went through a little therapy – and understood that I dont have to be a victim. Its hard when you feel rejected at a fundamental level but these ‘things’ do not matter to happiness. Practicing gratitude has been a life saver. I can’t change my family, I have to continually learn how to not let myself get used and from my mistakes.
Oh Benji, This was a difficult comment to read, but I thank you for leaving it so that others may read your words. Especially those who may share your same feelings. This is a very difficult situation. Not only are your parents favoring your sibling, but they are also asking you to help fund them while they pass on their money to your brother. You know your relationship with your parents, but can you stop funding their properties and other investments. I can understand paying for their mortgage if the need arose, but it sounds like you are giving them money above and beyond what is required for them to live a basic life. If that is the case, and you have the ability to speak up, you may want to do so. Of course, only you know your family and what will happen after your words are shared with them. Some grown children are unwilling to sever the ties with their parents and some conversations like this may result in a family rift.
I’m sorry that you are facing this, but I am glad that you have found peace in your therapeutic sessions and that you are practicing gratitude to get you through these difficult feelings.
You are correct in that last statement. You can’t change your family. That might be the most difficult part of all of these family situations. With that knowledge you must figure out how to move forward with your relationship. I wish you the best.
Benjie thank you for sharing your story. I am dealing with a parallel situation. It has destroyed me. Your story brought me peace that I am not alobe
Hi. I feel sad. Today is Christmas morning. This year my parents said they were going to not give gifts to me and my sister. Low and behold I come downstairs to a tree with 4 gifts under it. Two for my parents, and two shared ones for me and my sister. In the stockings, each year we get chocolate and apple (fruit) and maybe something very small in addition. This year my mom, dad, and sister got an apple and chocolate bar each, while i got only an apple (fruit). I’m a teen in case you were wondering. This year my parents have been telling me they hate me so much and almost want to give me up for adoption (and that my sis would get more than me for christmas). But, I’m really not a bad child. Sure i do rebell and have some mood swings and yell/argue at them when I want to be left alone, but that’s really it (typical teen stuff). I get all A+s and A’s at school, I do my hw, I get to bed at their crazy bedtime of 8:30, I don’t complain about not having social media eventhough deep inside I want it since I feel left out in my friend group and their conversations without it, I am fine with never eating fries or burgers or fried/fast food, i survive an hour a day limit on my phone, I survive getting yelled at constantly by my mom for stupid things like forgetting to eat 2/7 baby carrots I was packed for lunch or not drinking every drop of my 4 cup water bottle by the end of school, and having to walk 2.3 mi home ocass. (even sometimes in the winter). I do sometimes complain when my mom has us go on hikes everyday during the weekend and vaca. (don’t complain unless it is cold out or insanely hot) even in the dead of winter. I’m actually quite a goody-two-shoes (and I have never done drugs etc). My sister has exactly the same problems. She also has severe anxiety and makes a screaming fit every morning in which she refuses to go to school or eat her breakfast. Sometimes she even throws up. She teases me about being more liked and sometimes shoves me while on hikes and I get blamed for it. Yet my parents say that she is better than me and that I should be more like her. They said once that if we had grades at home I would get and F- (doesn’t even exsist) and my sister would get at least a C+ or B-. It really hurts me to hear this and I might have a mild case of depression. My friends think that is totally unfair and say I’m probably more well behaved than them, but my parents think otherwise and tell me that I’m so much more misbehaved that anyone else (because they’ve “never had to live with us” -my friends quote). My sister and mom have anger issues and they go into rages at me and eachother a lot. There is so much arguing in our household. But what upsets me more is the sibling favoring they are getting into. Someone help give some advice.
Oh Eden, I am sorry that you feel this way. I sent you a direct email. Please let me know if you don’t receive it.
Eden,
You sound like such amazing child. Keep doing well in academics. Good things will come your way.
One girl, several boys in family. I got the worn out clothes, the hand me down even if they were too small. I had to work yo buy a car, sis got the “extra” one when parents bought another. Birthdays, Christmas gifts were bargain basement, others got the brand name stuff. I gave up around age 15 and quit asking for/accepting stuff. Told them I didn’t want anything (and they didn’t give any). Last year of high school, I gave them the silent treatment. Didn’t talk to them at all. If they walked in the room, I left. I hated them. After high school, met a wonderful woman, moved to another state. Visited once a year and saw parents for one hour if at all.
Wife wants me to get closer, I don’t. I don’t have anything to talk about when we visit. Mostly just sit there and try to think of something. (weather?) I would rather have nothing to do with them. They are middle class, house and cars paid for, not poor.
That was 40 years ago. Fast forward to today. The once a year hourly visits continued. Wife made me call them a few times. They called once in forty years to tell me a cousin died and the funeral was in three hours (three hours drive). Dad died five years ago. I never told him how I felt. (May have involved a lot of cursing.) Mom died last year. No tears, not glad, not sad… no emotions either way.
To give you an example, one year my brother got a several hundred dollar drum set for his birthday. Mine, I got a $5 clock. Next birthday, he got a brand new trombone for band. I got a card.
Other siblings have mentioned it. Mostly, I don’t understand. I keep asking myself why. I should have come out and asked them point blank WHY? But, I know they would have denied everything. So what would have been the point?
John – Thank you for leaving your comment. I am saddened by your words. I can feel your pain and anguish right through my computer monitor. It’s tough to stay a witness to family favoritism. To idly stand by while your siblings receive cars and gifts that seem to surpass anything you’ve ever been given. It sounds like you married a very supportive woman who wanted to see you make peace with your family. I admire that. As an outsider of the family dynamic it can be difficult to decide how to be involved and when to push your loved one back to those who have hurt him.
I wrote my first post about this topic way back in 2013, but you are the first commenter who has told me of the death of his parents. In every other scenario the parents were still alive. If you don’t mind my asking what advice would you give to other readers of this post. I always feel torn about recommending conversations between parents and children. I fear that there will be more hurt feelings and I tell the commenters that only they can decide how best to handle a situation like this. Of course, I also recommend therapy (individual and family therapy). But I wonder if a friend told you the story you just shared what would you tell them to do? Would you tell them to let things go and distance yourself as you did or would you urge them to talk while their parents are still alive and can possibly answer questions that they’ve harbored for most of their lives?
I feel like you can offer personal advice that would be extremely helpful for those who stumble upon this post. Again thank you for sharing your thoughts.