Do you think parents should provide financial assistance to their adult children? If so, do you think they should do so equally, or is it okay for parents to give more money to one child? Is providing an unequal inheritance or favoring one child financially ever fair? Is inequality always a sign of sibling favoritism?
Questions like these pour into my inbox each month. These letters come from distressed and heartbroken readers who are trying to figure out how to deal with financial unfairness from their parents.
What happens when parents financially support a sibling? Does that child become dependent on his or her parent’s money? Does he or she ever learn to break free from the cycle of handouts?
How do financial gifts impact the other siblings? What happens when that sibling favoritism continues into adulthood?
Each time I open one of these letters, I pause, reflect on my thoughts, and respond as honestly as possible. The first set of questions arrived in an email six years ago. Since then, a slew of letters have trickled into my inbox, including one I received two days ago.
Why do they keep coming, and what do readers hope to gain by reaching out to me? The answers may surprise you.
Parents Favoring One Child Financially
Six years ago, I watched a close family member deal with issues of sibling rivalry. After a lifetime of witnessing financial favoritism, he began to break down.
It’s hard to watch someone you love struggle this way. After wrestling with my own thoughts, I wrote a short post about it. I described a set of parents that continually give more money to one child.
To be clear, I’m not talking about grown children with special needs or emotional or physical hardships. Splitting an estate into equal amounts may not be possible when one adult child requires more financial resources to survive and thrive. In these situations, estate planning must take these different needs into account.I’m talking about two healthy adult children who have similar capabilities and intelligence.
The story plays out in families everywhere. One child works hard, saves his or her money, and succeeds in life. That child doesn’t watch his or her siblings act the same way. Instead, he or she watches them play hard, have fun, and struggle to pay their bills.
Parents fill the gap between the second sibling’s income and the life he or she wants to lead. As the days turn into months and years, the depth of financial inequality grows.
The rest of the children witness this financial unfairness. They continue to watch their parents financially support a sibling—a sibling who is unwilling to make it on their own.
As the scale tips in favor of one child over another, the resentment between siblings builds. When the emotional toll becomes unbearable, sibling relationships shatter.
Favoring One Child Over Another
It’s been many years since I wrote that post, but the old timestamp doesn’t deter readers from reaching out to me. I still receive heartfelt emails from readers who stumble upon it. These readers feel broken and defeated by financial favoritism in their family.
They reach out for comfort. They want someone to say I understand and I’m sorry. The pain in those letters is palpable. The raw emotions often bring me to tears.
How to Deal With Parents Who Favor Another Sibling
One letter begins; “My parents favor my older sister, and it hurts me to see them together.” Another says, “I feel left out of my whole family. How can I deal with parents who favor my sibling and have favored her for years?”
The third reads, “Why do my parents favor the bad child? My parents favor my brother over me and buy him everything. He is selfish and only cares about himself. My parents never give me any money.”
I am not a trained psychologist. I’m just a blogger who writes about money. I read these words and provide my opinion when readers ask for it.
After years of reading those letters, I felt the need to revisit this topic. I hope that others will stumble upon this new post. I hope they will find an outlet to express their thoughts and feelings.
What are some ways in which parents show financial favoritism? Here are a few details I’ve received from readers over the years. Each is a demonstration of parents favoring one child.
- My parents bought my sister a car but didn’t buy one for me.
- My parents paid for my siblings college tuition and expenses but not mine.
- My parents buy my sister everything.
- My parents bought my sibling a house.
- My brother gets everything he wants.
- My parents bought my sibling a house.
My Parents Favor My Brother Over Me
Let’s discuss a hypothetical scenario—picture two biological sons raised in the same household. The first grown child is a go-getter. He works hard in school, graduates on time, and secures a decent job after college.
As the years wear on, his salary increases. This sibling earns money and saves. He doesn’t live an extravagant life by any means. He eats at home, drives old cars, and vacations close to home.
The second grown child does not take advantage of his opportunities. He fails out of college and begins working at a lower starting salary than his brother. He burns through money as quickly as he earns it.
My Parents Keep Giving My Brother Money
When he runs out of cash, this brother is happy to spend his parent’s money. He consistently accepts their handouts and always chooses the pricier options in life.
His parents buy him a house and an expensive car. They do not offer the other child any of these benefits. This enables the favored child to spend his own money on extravagant vacations.
He can spend money on anything his heart desires. If he goes into debt, his parents hand out money to repair his bad spending habits and poor life decisions.
Now put yourself in those shoes. What if your parents buy your brother everything he wants. What if you pay for the things you need while your brother spends your parents money without batting an eyelash? How does it feel when your parents favor your brother over you? How does it feel when your parents keep giving your brother money?
My Parents Favor My Sister Over Me
Now let’s discuss a second scenario. This time picture two biological daughters raised in the same household. In this example, the older child chooses a career in engineering while the younger child chooses a career in teaching. Again the first child can afford the items she desires. The second child cannot.
In this case, should the parents provide financial assistance to the younger sister? Should they buy her sports equipment, summer vacations, and a down payment on a house or new car? Should they buy nice things because she cannot afford them?
If you were the parent in these scenarios, would you offer financial assistance? Would you answer the same way for the scenario for both examples? Did the details of the story cause you to react differently? How would it feel if your parents provided your brother or sister with a handful of cash, but didn’t offer you any?
Now imagine you are a sibling in these examples.
My Parents Bought My Sibling a House
How would you feel if your parents bought your sibling a house and didn’t give you anything at all? Maybe your parents helped your brother buy a home he could never afford on his own, or your dad secretly pays your brothers’ rent. How does it feel when you watch house prices rise and know you can’t save up for a down payment?
Maybe you’ve approached your parents for money. Do they refuse to give you cash or tell you they can’t help? In a perfect world, your parents wouldn’t buy your sibling a house without providing you with a similar financial gift, but if you’ve read this far, you know the world isn’t perfect.
Parents Giving More Money To One Child
As a parent, would you be willing to give more money to one child than another? If you are willing to offer your adult children money, you are not alone. Nearly 75% of parents are helping their children financially.
Many parents provide financial assistance to their adult children, but what happens when gifts aren’t handed out equally? Is it ever okay for parents to give more money to one child? What happens when parents keep giving more money to one child? What happens when sibling favoritism continues into adulthood?
Children can grow into angry, frustrated adults. Imagine yourself in the same situation. How would you feel if your parents gave money to one child without ever offering to help you?
The examples above are not fictitious stories. They are real-world examples emailed by grown men and women.
Why do readers email me? Because it feels awkward and strange to discuss this topic in the real world. Admitting that your parents favor one child financially isn’t an easy task. It’s one of those dirty money problems no one wants to talk about. Once you utter this sentiment, you can’t take back your words.
Many of my readers feel ashamed and embarrassed. They can’t talk openly for fear that others will judge them or perceive them as being greedy.
They can’t discuss the situation in real life. When they do, friends tell them to keep their noses out of their parent’s business.
“You have everything you need,” their friends tell them. “Why are you asking for equality? Things aren’t equal now. You can pay for your own stuff. Why do you care if your parents give more money to one child? Why do you want more?”
Some of you will agree with these sentiments. You may be reading this post, thinking “get over it” or “stop complaining.” You may say, “It’s the parents’ money; they can do whatever they want with it.” If you feel this way, you were most likely raised in a balanced family where you felt appreciated and loved.
I’ve never dealt with financial inequality in my own family, but I have seen it many times. In those cases, the favoritism was extensive. Parents didn’t just give one sibling more money. They gave more love and attention too.
Sibling Financial Favoritism
What is sibling financial favoritism? Financial favoritism occurs when parents provide unequal financial gifts to their children. Giving more money to one child isn’t just a monetary issue. Favoring one child financially disrupts the family balance. It can lead to a lifetime of resentment and pain.
Siblings talk about money, balance ledgers, unequal inheritances, wills, and other financial jargon. Talking this way makes them appear greedy and selfish, but in reality, this isn’t about money. Complex family dynamics create a wide range of emotions, and these grown children feel angry, sad, and distressed.
This pain extends back through childhood. It involves sibling rivalries that began when they were small. It stems from the belief that parents love one sibling more than another. They feel like their parents play favorites and provide preferential treatment to the child they love.
As young children, kids measure parental affection in hugs and kisses. As adults, they begin to equate money with love. The idea of sibling financial favoritism weighs heavily upon them. Parents who favor one child over the other leave can leave one child with deep emotional scars. It occupies their thoughts and leaves them feeling hurt and unloved.
Some of you want to know, “Why would the successful sibling feel jealous of financial inequality? If the child is financially stable, why would they care if their parents give more money to one child?”
The reasons are complex.
Helping One Child
Here is an example: One reader spoke at length about wanting to become an artist. Although she dreamed of creating art, she chooses a job as an accountant. She chose a stable, well-paid profession so she wouldn’t have to worry about paying her bills.
In contrast, her sister studied writing and dreamed of becoming a novelist. While she wrote books, her parents paid for her food and housing.
The ‘successful’ sibling was miserable. What would her life be like if she had pursued her passion? If she knew her parents would foot the bill, she would have chosen a different profession.
She was successful but miserable. The ability to pay her bills did not leave her feeling happy and fulfilled.
The same goes for many other readers who talk about working in jobs they hate. They trudge off to work while their lower-paid siblings live off their parents’ subsidies.
These readers feel less love from their parents. If they quit their jobs, would their parents support them? Most of the people who write to me believe their parents wouldn’t give them a dime.
Why Does a Parent Favor One Child?
Why does a parent favor one child? Sometimes parents gravitate towards certain children. This often happens if they have similar temperaments, personalities, or physical attributes. Other times they side with a child who is easy to get along with or one who can be easily manipulated and controlled.
Favoritism hurts. When parents favor one child financially, this pain intensifies. Sibling financial favoritism destroys relationships between family members. It’s difficult to watch a sibling get more love, attention, and financial rewards too.
Complex Feelings: Bitterness and Anger
It’s hard to stand by while a sibling receives handouts. Will your sibling ever stop spending your parents’ money? Will he or she ever stop accessing the bank of mom and dad?
It makes some adult children cry out, “It’s not fair!” Sure we all know life isn’t fair, but when the inequality stems from within the family unit, it can be harder to bear.
Some of my readers are mistaken for being greedy. One reader said she didn’t really want the money. She wanted her family to recognize that she didn’t have an amazing life.
Her parents kept telling her she had everything and to feel grateful. It didn’t matter that she was horribly unhappy in her stable job.
She said, “My sister has it so easy. She works in a job she loves, and my parents foot the other bills. In the meantime, I stare miserably at the side of a cubicle all afternoon. I’m stuck in a job I don’t love.”
Defining and Judging Needs
Many of the readers who write to me live within their means. They carefully weigh their wants and needs. Many of them drive old cars and live in smaller houses. They watch their parents pay for new cars or bigger homes for their siblings.
Disciplined adults buy used products and forgo camp for their kids. Their siblings are unwilling to live with less. They ask for money for equipment and pricey sleep away camps.
Their definition of the term needs differs greatly from their family’s definition. They want their parents to say, “no, you don’t need that pricey stuff’ and they feel hurt when that doesn’t happen.
Parents Financially Support Sibling
I have not experienced financial inequality from my own parents. I have seen it many times via extended family members.
Conflict arises when one sibling perceives the other as lazy. Readers say things like: If I work hard, stay on track and save my money, I can afford a house in a nice community.
If my sibling does not do these things, does he ‘deserve’ the same life that I live? Do we not make choices in our lives and have to live by the choices we made? What about the sacrifices I have made to achieve my goals?
If I choose to become a software engineer, then I may earn a lot, but I might not enjoy my job. In that case, money wins over enjoyment. If my sibling chooses to become an artist, she may love her job but not be able to afford a house in a nice community.
Resentment grows when a sibling sees his or her counterpart getting the best of both worlds: a life they enjoy and financial success (in the form of money from their parents).
The bitterness blooms when a sibling has to forge his own path in life. Then watches his parents financially support a sibling without a care in the world.
Imagine working hard in a job you don’t love to pay your mortgage. Now imagine watching your parents buy your sibling a house he can’t afford.
How does it feel for one sibling to settle into a career while the other runs up debt? Is it fair for the parents to play favorites and even the financial score?
That sibling had the time of his life and ends up right on track with his sibling, who had to work hard. Many readers are resentful of their siblings. “I didn’t enjoy the last ten years the way my sibling did, and now we are on equal ground.”
How to Deal with Financial Unfairness from Parents
How do you deal with unequal financial support from your parents? Do they divide their money in a way that feels unfair and unjustified? How do you handle their financial favoritism?
First, ask yourself, “What bothers you about your parents’ decision to give more money to your sibling?” Is it really about the money, or is there something deeper to explore?
Why are you upset about your parents’ decision to provide unequal financial gifts? Have you always felt less important than your sibling? Have your parents always treated your brother or sister differently? Do you think your parents love your sibling more than you?
What can you do in these types of situations? How can you deal with financial unfairness from your parents? First, try to accept your feelings.
It’s easy for outsiders to say, “I wouldn’t be upset or feel angry.” Good for them. They are not you. You have a right to feel unhappy about the situation. Don’t let anyone shame you for the way you feel. Recognize the complex emotions for what they are rather than what others tell you they should be.
Unfortunately, you may not be able to change the situation. Most of the time, you have to accept it for what it is without letting your negative feelings overwhelm you.
If your parents give more money to your sibling, they will probably continue to do so. Unfortunately, once your brother or sister accepts your parents’ handouts, he or she will continue to ask for more. It’s incredibly difficult to break the circle of dependency once it begins.
If you are able to pay your bills, then the good news is that you don’t need your parents’ money. You made it on your own.
You can count the blessings in your life and focus on the positive things that surround you. Do you have a good relationship with your spouse or significant other? Are the people in your life healthy and strong?
How to Deal With Parents Who Favor Your Sibling
If you are struggling to cope with your emotions, consider seeking advice from a trained therapist or counselor. Professionals can provide tools and techniques to help you deal with parental favoritism.
It’s not easy to deal with parents who favor one child over another. It may be difficult to watch your parents provide handouts on a routine basis. Pain and resentment may grow with each passing gift.
Bitter feelings often arise when parents become a crutch for a sibling’s bad behavior. The angriest letters come from readers whose parents financially support a sibling.
A little money here or there seems reasonable, but when the sibling can no longer survive without those handouts, the anger builds. Readers become downright irate at the thought of their siblings spending their parents’ hard-earned money.
In these situations, it’s important to keep a calm mind and clear head. Take deep breaths and reflect on your thoughts and feelings before talking to any members of your family.
Remember that your words and actions may impact your future relationships. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it should not be taken lightly either. Make sure you can discuss the subject matter calmly and rationally if you do choose to speak up.
I know that this won’t make up for the injustice you feel, but the truth is you have little to no say in the matter. If your brother or sister is willing to put his or her hand out for money, your parents will continue to supply gifts.
This will probably continue for most, if not all, of their adult life. Since the situation is unlikely to go away, your best option is to do your best to look beyond it.
If you are unhappy with your current life, search for ways to make it better. Learn about financial independence and strive to pursue your goals independently.
Sibling Spending Parents’ Money
Will your sibling ever stop spending your parents’ money? Over time it will become extremely difficult for your brother or sister to grow strong and capable. With each financial handout, your parents destroy your sibling’s desire to work and succeed. Over time a dependency forms that cannot be broken.
It’s little consolation, but this family situation will provide you with incredible resilience. As your parents support your sibling, they weaken his or her resolve.
You, on the other hand, have no choice but to make it on your own. So you will dig deep within yourself to achieve greatness. In many cases, you will become more successful in life than your favored sibling.
You will end up with more friends and deeper relationships outside of your family. Determined to be a success, you will strive for feats your sibling will never take on.
It’s easy to become weak when you don’t have to work hard to achieve financial success on your own. Look the other way when your parents support your sibling financially. Be thankful that you can find the will and determination to stand on your own successfully.
How do you deal with financial unfairness? What can you do when you feel less supported by your parents than your siblings? How do you come to terms with parents who don’t treat each child equally?
I don’t have all of the answers. They depend on your family dynamic, your ability to speak openly with your parents, and your belief that things could change.
Take Pride in Your Success
Be thankful for all that you have accomplished in life. Look around at your successes, write them down, and read that list to yourself regularly. You are in control of your life and your finances. Pat yourself on the back for that, because many people are not in the same situation.
Recognize that your parents may continue to enable your sibling. As a result, your brother or sister may continue to make the wrong choices and to act carelessly at times. Talk to them if you feel it will help, but approach your conversation carefully. Recognize, in most instances; they don’t want your advice and most likely won’t change their ways.
Accept the discrepancies. Your parents are not keeping a ledger of payments or ensuring their estate plan levels the playing field. In reality, they may not be able to ‘even the score’ or divide their estate equally.
Don’t keep a scorecard or lay your hopes on receiving more money upon their death. That’s just creepy, plus for all, you know, they will outlive you. Don’t waste your time on this Earth waiting to see what happens when someone dies. Make peace with the situation as it stands right now!
I realize this is all easier said than done. Believe me, I do, but in time it does get better if you change your frame of mind. Once you know you can’t do anything about it, you can stop carrying the bitterness around with you. Sometimes therapy is the best way to address your resentment.
Sibling Harmony and Balance
I hope to provide equal gifts to my own children, but I really have no idea what their lives will entail. I plan to talk to them about financial decisions. My goal is to avoid hurt feelings and pain. I will discuss my thoughts and ensure that communication remains open as much as possible along the way.
My mom served as a great example for me. She tried her best to create harmony in our family. As children, neither of us suffered from emotional or physical hardships, which certainly made it easier to balance our needs.
Still, I don’t want to diminish my mom’s efforts. She split her time, attention, love, and money equally. As a mom of two children, I know that’s harder to accomplish than it sounds.
Inheritance Favoritism
Unfortunately, this balance isn’t always easy to achieve. Family dynamics are complicated. Unresolved conflicts between siblings and parents can fester and grow well into adulthood. Add in the complexity of money, and the lines between love and loved ones can easily blur.
These negative feelings can persist as parents age and need financial support and long after they’re gone. Favoritism issues don’t end after a parent dies; in many cases, they flare after the funeral when inheritance favoritism rears its ugly head.
Sibling Balance: My Story
My own memory of familial balance came at the age of four or five.
“Am I your favorite?” I asked my mom as I climbed into her lap just before bedtime. I was sleepy from a long day of activities and in need of extra reassurance and love.
My mom’s expression grew soft. I paused quietly so she could answer. She looked down at me with her big brown eyes, pulled the hair away from my brow, and spoke without hesitation.
She didn’t have to ponder the question or think of an appropriate answer. “You know I love you and your brother equally,” she said. Her response felt like a simple fact, a truth that cannot be denied.
She gently cupped my face within her hands and planted a kiss upon my forehead. At that moment, I wholeheartedly believed her. To this day, I still do.
I hope one day, my children can say the same. I know we all do.
Hello there, my story is a bit messed up. I found out recently that my parents gave my sister $70,000 in total over the course of the last 10 years for her singing career. Meanwhile I was struggling through school that I was paying for on my own and I barely had enough to eat. My parents never gave me a dime. At one point I was only 107 lbs because I was so overworked from trying to pay for school, living expenses, and food. I eventually got pneumonia and almost died. Thank God I had some amazing professors who let me take my examinations in a private room once I had recovered and I continued with my school. I successfully graduated, however it wasn’t in a field that I was even interested in. My parents had pushed me to go into medical laboratory because they said that I would have to support myself. Mean while they were doing all of this behind my back and basically supporting my sister’s wildest dreams. she basically had a free ride and continues to get a free ride. Sometimes I honestly wonder if they would even care if I died.
Aimee, I can feel the pain and sadness in your words. I am sorry that you have faced financial favoritism and that your parents have helped fund your sister’s singing dreams while you must make it on your own.
I’m glad that you were able to finish your schooling. Do not worry about your degree. I studied English Literature and became a software engineer. So of all your worries don’t feel locked into a career you don’t love when there are so many interesting things to do in this world. You may need to take alternative routes to find a job you enjoy, but it is possible.
I’m curious how you found out about your sister’s gifts and if you have spoken to your parents about the financial unfairness you feel. As I mentioned in this post some children can speak with their parents about this and some cannot. Have you tried speaking to a counselor or therapist about your feelings? Have you spoken with your sister about it?
In most cases parents love both of their children deeply, but for some reason they feel that one requires more monetary assistance than another. As I mentioned above love and money can get tangled up in our minds, but just because your parents give your sister more money doesn’t mean they love her more. I cannot speak for them, but as a mother myself I can say they most certainly would have cared if you died. The bond between parents and children is like no other in this world. I love my parents and my spouse, but my love for my children runs deeper than anything I ever could have imagined.
My advice is to put these feelings behind you to the best of your abilities and enjoy the beautiful life you’ve been given. Think about what you want to do and who you want to become. You can make it happen with our without their financial assistance. When you make it on your own you’ll feel a pride your sister will never get to achieve.
What are your thoughts? my father lost a ton of money on the stock market, he lost some of my money without me even knowing or giving him permission. this was about 13 years ago. When things really hit the fan 6 years ago I had to bail my father out of a messy financial situation after he pretty much stole from me. It was extremely stressful for me as lawyers and banks were involved and properties were being seized. In total it was about $650,000 that i gave and was lost on the stock market. I still haven’t slept a decent nights sleep since all this happened 6 years ago. I also suffer from anxiety that seems to have been triggered from this along with suicidal thoughts. Fast forward to now my father still owes me the money not a cent has been paid back he never even apologised to me. i live in a rented apartment with my husband. My sister lives in a very nice suburb and has a house. my dad purchased her the house and has paid her mortgage for over a decade. She has a husband he isnt sick or anything he is just greedy and has never offered to pay the mortgage.
I’ve delayed starting a family im 36 by the way so no spring chicken by any means but i need to save more to secure a future for my children.i got married one year and 7 months ago.
In sydney where i live house prices have doubled so even if i got all my money back it wouldnt even buy me an apartment. I recently brought this up to my parents as its just all to much to bear and they call me a drama queen and say im bragging about helping them. Im not perfect by any means but i have done so much without a peep but right now it just feels so unfair. im really struggling because they pretty much gave all my hard work to my sister who has never worked a day in her life. Her husband is a real jerk to my parents also. None of this makes sense. I feel like my family dont give a crap about me and it kills me. My parents pick me a part for anything and say things like im not a good christian daughter… its really toxic for me
Hi Adri,
I am not a licensed therapist and I definitely think you should find a way to talk to a professional about your feelings. Particularly if you have felt suicidal in the past. As I mentioned in my post money is just a thing and as such it is most definitely not worth your life. You are a beautiful human being, so look past the monetary facts and figures and focus on just how wonderful you are in spite of this situation with your parents. I understand your struggles. Since I wrote my initial post I have received nearly 100 stories that sound just like yours. You are not alone. These situations break my heart and often bring me to tears. I can feel the pain in your words and I am sorry that you have gone through this. Find support from loved ones including friends if your family cannot help support you emotionally. Turn to your spouse and be thankful that you married a good man that is not like your brother-in-law. If your parents are toxic try to maintain space from them and find someone who can support you after you visit or see them. You will need someone to turn to after these encounters. Even when we cannot change these situations we all need someone to provide comfort. Find those in your life who can provide that comfort. We expect it to come from family members, but there are many people who can provide the soft ground for us to land on. I wish you the best of luck. Thank you for sharing your story.
I come from a wealthy family. I am 100% aware of my privileges. My mom is a stay at home mom, severely overweight, type 2 diabetes, and has depression. In some ways I feel she blames her weight gain on me since pregnancy is what started her downward spiral in health. I go back and forth between feeling guilty about being a burden and causing her suffering, and feeling absolved because I did not choose to be born. I am 19 years old currently as I am writing this. There is lots of pain within me because of the financial disparity between me and my younger brother and the lifestyle they uphold for him. I work hard, get good grades, and am athletic. My brother is 16 and quite overweight and smokes marijuana every single day and my parents ignore it entirely. They pretend that he isn’t high everyday. I went to a public high school (by my choice but definitely influenced by my father since he wanted to save money) while my brother got enrolled in a $55,000+ a year private HIGH SCHOOL. They buy him everything he wants and feed his hobbies. They have bought him 40 kendamas totaling way over $2000 (a Japanese toy like a yoyo) when he really only needs about 2-3 to play and have enough that if one breaks (as they do) he can continue. They flew him to the mall of America to go “compete” (he is no where near professional and got eliminated instantly). We are extremely rich, we both went to a $30,000 private middle school for grades 6-8. I have friends whose parents net worth are in the hundreds of millions my family is probably only around 5 million dollars in net worth. Since I had these ultra wealthy friends due to fancy fancy private middle school I would heed their financial advice and stock choices. I relayed one stock pick to my father when I was 13 years old and he dropped around $50,000 into that stock, it tripled in value and he sold it for around 150k. I literally helped my family make an extra 100k at the age of 13 and without me it never would have happened. My brother also plays guitar and has about 5-6 guitars and a bass and 2 piano keyboards. He is diagnosed with OCD and definitely has a talent for being intensely focused on something and working to master it. I don’t doubt that he could be a musician, except he will just continuously leech money from my parents in therapy, medication, and hobby bills. My hobbies and interests are paid 0 attention and 0 dollars. I crave acceptance from my family and support, yet I feel extreme guilt, jealous, and anger for wanting these things. I was watching my parents spend roughly $100k a year on him consecutively at the age of 13-16 (his age) while I was older and only given $20 a week (5 lunches) and I scrimped and saved to be able to eat lunch at school everyday. I would buy chicken strips and just keep them in my backpack and eat them for 1-3 days as lunch while my brother has fancy catered lunches at his private school. He also has dyslexia and had expensive expensive thousands of dollars of dyslexia tutoring, counseling, and therapy. EXCEPT THAT HE IS TOTALLY FUNCTIONING and they just spoil him rotten. I am interested in fashion, but my parents do not find it valuable or interesting so they do not consider buying me shoes or clothes that they deem “expensive” like they won’t buy me a pair of shoes over $120, but will turn around and spend $1000 on a whole new wardrobe for my brother every few months since he keeps growing and gaining weight. I stopped growing in middle school and have been wearing many of my t shirts for 6-8 years in a row. I treat all my property with care and respect and it lasts me forever. My brother’s OCD has lead to him trashing his car (our car but I don’t get a car at all right now and I’m trapped at home cause of covid, yet he gets a car and smokes pot all day and probably drives high and trashes the damn car) When I was in high school I probably cost my parents around 25k a year in expenses. My brother in high school has cost them easily 100k a year every year of high school. He definitely will be around the $400k mark for his consumption those 4 years of high school, while I’m around the 100k mark. The inequality is quite noticeable. I am ashamed and sad. I have extreme guilt, I spent around $5k of my parents money in retaliation on investing in rare shoes, those shoes became worth about $8k and my parents caught me I sold the shoes and paid them back in FULL +interest. I did it out of jealousy and anger and spite, I knew I had made them 100k with that stock market suggestion. I was only 15 years old. My mom treats me like I am the lowlife deadbeat stupid criminal, when my brother is actually the leech and the daily pot smoker. (I smoke pot like once a month I can control my urges and I am older) It drives me bananas, I am in a shitty situation. I have regrets, guilt, and grief. I made dean’s list both semesters my freshman year of college, right now sophomore year sucks sitting at home doing nothing, my grades will probably reflect that because my household situation is garbage. By the way my brother is completely coherent he seems like a monster, he’s not, he’s super intelligent, has friends and a girlfriend and I do not blame him at all. He is a really good dude, he just doesn’t see how unfair it is from my perspective and neither do my parents. I don’t know what to do.
I can only imagine it getting worse if my brother pursues a career in music and doesn’t become a hit and does not succeed financially. They will keep him afloat the whole time to chase his dream while I go and work in the financial sector working my ass off because I want to be rich like my dad. I work super hard, I do my best. I do not see the same happening to my brother, the music industry is like winning the lottery unless you are really god damn special or unique. I know that the inheritance will be 50-50 but its the compounding of decades of expenditures on him when that money could have been better utilized for the both of us. The only way out is I either become super financially successful, my dad breaks through and actually gets more responsibility in his job and breaks the net worth barrier of around 10M or my brother somehow becomes a smash hit guitarist or something in a band. Most likely I see my family and our empire and treasure trove falling due to my brothers expenses and I will get the least possible benefits out of it all. I don’t even want money though, its not about the money for me, Its about the love and acceptance I so dearly crave. My heart has a small black hole in it. I wish I could shed all this resentment. I wish I felt loved.
Dear Max,
Thank you for writing this lengthy comment. Unfortunately, I am not a trained therapist so I cannot provide a lot of advice specific to your situation. It breaks my heart to read that you feel like your heart as a “small black hole in it.”
As I mentioned in this post, and as you have seen from many other comments, a lot of siblings feel the same exact way that you do. The stories differ in how one child is favored, but the underlying feelings are very similar. It sounds like you have a very good relationship with your brother. Have you ever spoken to him about the way you feel? Would he be a good person to talk to about your feelings and to ask how he views the situation? Have you spoken to your parents about your feelings or do you fear their response?
I know this doesn’t solve your problem, but I do think you will feel stronger having gone through this experience. In fact, I think that you will grow in ways you never could have imagined. You are young now, but as you get older, you will feel pride and strength in forging your own path. Your brother will never be able to grow in that same way.
If you don’t feel inspiration and support from your parents seek it from other sources. Look for friends, teachers, administrators, and others who can help you feel proud of your accomplishments. As you get older you will most likely find more support outside of your own family. This is natural even in good family situations. Find friends who are kind and understanding. Keep communication with your brother if he can be a supportive ear for you.
Start journaling if you can. Write down your thoughts and ways that you can feel differently about these situations. I know this sounds strange, but considering writing a letter to your parents that you never intend to mail. Express your thoughts in a clear and concise way that will help you purge your negative thoughts about them and this experience.
Look for ways to find happiness and try your best to look away from your brother’s handouts. If you feel open to talking to your parents do so, but only you can assess what will happen as a result of that talk.
Search for a therapist if you have the means to do so. We all need to express ourselves and be heard. Therapy can do wonders for your soul. You can also feel free to email me or simply comment further. I can’t provide much advice, but I am always happy to lend an ear to those who need an outlet.
I wish you all the best!
– OFG
I appreciate this post so much, I felt so crazy for how much it bothers me how obvious my MIL does this with SIL. My husband lost his dad when he was 13 he doesn’t have another parent so to see her just hand so much over to his sister drives me crazy. My MIL has given his sister 2 vehicles in the past (separate from the two I’m speaking of now) and when it came time for my MIL to get a new car (2015 Toyota she also eventually gave my SIL) she was just gonna give her suv to my SIL, so I stepped in and said it wasn’t fair that my husband doesn’t have a vehicle and she’s given my SIL two in the past already and we have to split one car for us to both work So my MILs idea of “fair” was to give it to who ever brings $200 right then and there but if we couldn’t get the money together then it was his sisters to just take (how is that fair in any way) so i called and got a loan from my mother so my husband could get a vehicle from his own mother that was other wise free to his sister, then because his sisters husband went to jail his mom talked him into putting that same title on a loan to get his sisters husband out, told him she’d pay it back, and then after the fact told him he’d have to pay it or he’ll loose his car. Not to mention the times when we lived under my MILs roof and she let my SIL take half of all Supplies/groceries me and my husband bought. We had our own fridge to stop this (we lived in the basement) she gave the fridge to my SIL. But my MIL will swear on everything that Me and my BILs girlfriend make her out to be some kind of monster And we are making her sons hate her and she has hung up on my husbands brother to talk to his sister and then cry like actual tears about Me and her other sons girlfriend “turning” them against her. My husband is a huge mommas boy and it kills me to See him be treated in such an unfair way by the one women he loves most, he said the only parent he has left doesn’t care for him but he cares for her Because he doesn’t have another parent the way she has other kids. It’s caused a huge strain in the relationship because I won’t tolerate it in my presence but he won’t visit them with out me but he Also doesn’t want me saying anything to keep the peace. So we haven’t seen/talked to them in 3 going in 4 months. Time before that was 8 months, they won’t change, we just had to.
Hi Anna, I am sorry you are going through this, but I’m glad that you stumbled on this blog post so you don’t feel all alone. It sounds like you are creating space for yourself, which is important in these situations. I don’t really have advice other than what you read above, but do make sure you are talking to your husband about these issues so you can get on the same page. It’s important to talk through meetings and encounters with your MIL when they happen so resentment doesn’t linger. Make sure to try to support your husband. It’s so tough to watch a loved one get hurt by their mom or dad. I’m sure this situation breaks his heart. All the best.
When a sibling is treated better than you, the effects last a lifetime. inwill never forget or forgive,
Hi Erin, A lot of my readers and commenters would agree with you on this.
Dear One Frugal Girl,
First, I want to thank you for writing all this about favoritism. Second, your post was a great help and very insightful to me. I have been struggling with this for a few years now. Since my mother passed away a few years back and my father decided out loud that my sister (the favorite) will get 50% of everything, my youngest sister will get 30% and I (the oldest) will get only 20%. All along, my parents have been helping the favorite sister in many ways financially through the years. It hurt when my Dad looked me in the eye and told me that I don’t need the money. This tells me that he does not know anything about me and my struggles. He maybe does not even care to know. On the surface, we look great. I am blessed with a wonderful husband. We have a house, a revenue property and we are okay. But this has not been easy. We’ve had no help from either side. Everything we did was by ourselves and by learning from our mistakes. I can’t say we are wealthy but we are aiming towards goals and doing okay. I believe my father favors me the least because I don’t have kids and did not live up to his expectations of providing him with grandkids. However, he is not aware of our struggles and a while back when we wanted to adopt, he did not pay much attention to my story. All this to say, my Dad has been favoring my sibling that is getting 50% for a long time. She has also been leaning on them forever. It hurts and it is not about the money. You just want to be understood and considered as an equal part of the family. There is such a big disconnect and this surfaced more after my mother’s death. Maybe it was always there but I did not want to see it. I am angry at the relationship I have with my Dad and resent my sister for being the way she is. I wish I could talk to my Dad but he is too old and angry since the loss of my Mom. Talking to him would be like talking to a deaf person. Reading your post made me feel better and realize that I am not crazy or alone in this. This is more common that I thought. Also, I know that at this point, nothing will change with them. I know that talking to them will make me seem greedy and I don’t feel good about that. I might at some point write a letter to my sister but that will only happen if I feel that it is time. I want to thank you again for your very insightful post. You are a great help with your advice and wisdom of options about this matter.
Hi Soula, Thank you for your comment. Each comment on this post helps another person who is sitting in your shoes feeling the exact same frustrations and concerns that you are feeling. I am sorry that you are struggling with your dad’s favoritism. I wish that I had more advice to give. I think the best thing you can do is come to terms with your own feelings on the matter. Sometimes it helps to write a letter you never mail. Write down your pain points, your hurt feelings, and what you would say if it would make a difference. Then lock that letter away.
I have a same situation going! I take care of my 86 year old dad, mom passed 5 years ago. I have a 60 year old sister in florida that my mom and dad have bought two houses for breast implants new cars, not me, she just works a few hours and food her toes in the pool remaing hours, .just found out that he got her a half million house after she asked for it! I went off on her are relation is fractured with her, I just don’t feel loved
I’m sorry Laura. As you can see many others feel the same way you do. I know it doesn’t take away your pain though.
Great article above. Thank you.
My situation must be extremely rare: my sibling and I have both done fine, both achieving C-suite jobs and both not having any financial worries due to our own incomes, but (1) my sibling has made a lot more money than I have and was able to semi-retire at about age 45 yet (2) my parents have given a large amount of money to my sibling anyway (and refuse to give any to me).
So in my family, the rich get richer due to large cash gifts from parents.
What irks me is not that my parents have given a lot to my sibling (which is their right), but that they did so after volunteering that they would never help me, and they lied about the gifts, telling me that they wish they could give money to their children but can’t.
Dear ES,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry that your parents have lied to you and outright refused to help you. I don’t know why parents feel the need to divide their children this way, but leaving this comment will help others who stumble upon it. It helps to know that you are not alone.
Awesome article, sums up my feelings exactly.
And it’s not that I don’t benifit from my parents generoursity, I still get to go away with the family for a week on an exotic holiday each year.
But it’s just my younger siblings get so much more, I don’t want money or help, I just want aknowledgement that I don’t get the help and do it on my own.
Luke, you are not alone. Many commenters on here are simply looking for acknowledgement. If you have an open relation you may be able to talk to your parents about this, but most of the people who read this post can’t have that conversation. Instead, they are forced to live without it. I do wish you the best of luck. I hope that you are proud of the accomplishments you have achieved on your own. Your siblings will not be able to feel that same pride!
Thank you so much for publishing this article. Your article resonates with me deeply. I can relate to many of the touchpoints as I grew up in a family whose parents chose financial favoritism. If I ever chose to speak up, I was told that I was greedy and that the world isn’t fair.
One thing I think that wasn’t specifically mentioned in the article is that some parents actively hide their financial favoritism from friends and family. I’m not sure if any of your readers have experienced this as well. For example, my parents never mentioned (or admitted) to anyone outside our immediate family that they are planning on giving a very expensive house to my brother. Nor did they mention to anyone that at 40+ years of age, my brother has never bought his own car nor paid for insurance (he always “borrowed” my parent’s luxury vehicles). I guess they were trying not to make him feel bad. My brother is an able bodied adult with no disabilities.
I’ve found that it’s really hard to talk about parents who chose financial favoritism. I know many of my close friends would never understand as they grew up in balanced households as far as I could see. I’m very blessed to have an understanding wife who has helped me through this throughout the years.
Unfortunately, financial favoritism has greatly affected the relationship I have with my parents.
Hi Stanley,
Thank you for your comment. In these situations I have never seen or heard parents tell others that they give one child handouts. To the outside world the favored child appears successful and confident. In fact, I think this is one of the reasons parents continue to give them money. In many cases, the parents in these families do not want their children to appear as anything other than perfect. I am sorry that you have to bear these feelings between your sibling and your parents. It’s good that your wife has been able to help you throughout the years. It is difficult to talk about these issues with others who have never experienced it. As you said, the non-favored child is often viewed as selfish for desiring financial balance. I hope that this post has given you some peace. As you can see you are not alone in your situation. There are many other children who feel the same way about their parents and the financial favoritism that occurs in their families.
This comment really resonated with me because it describes my parents to a T:
“In these situations I have never seen or heard parents tell others that they give one child handouts. To the outside world the favored child appears successful and confident. In fact, I think this is one of the parents continue to give them money. In many cases, the parents in these families do not want their children to appear as anything other than perfect. ”
The pain for the unfavored sibling in these situations is that it’s part of a larger situation where the parents have decided on a favored child … and then they just keep putting their thumb on the scales again and again to make their prejudices into reality.
The pain isn’t really about the economics.
For instance in my family — and I’m sure some readers have experienced this — I support myself as a single mom at a demanding job while my parents have invested huge amounts of money in creating the illusion that my brother has a successful self-owned business. Since he really works for my parents, every time there’s a family issue or they want him around for a family event they just tell him to take the week off.
There is no acknowledgement EVER that I have to take vacation and buy airfare for myself and my kids to attend these things. It just becomes yet another time where HE showed that HE really loves them … whereas I didn’t think they were important enough.
Even more hurtful they did the same when my grandfather was dying, portraying to everyone how much my brother was “sacrificing” by “taking time off” from his business to be there … and basically implying that I didn’t care enough to do the same even though they knew I would have lost my job had I done so.
It felt so painful to me to have them use their money that way … but on the other hand it ended up being pretty humorous since my brother is so lazy that my grandfather finally had to ask them to stop sending my brother there because his home health aide was getting sick of doing my brother’s dishes and picking up after him!
I think that in most families where this financial favoritism happens, you will find that a great part of the unfavored child’s pain is that the parents actually USE the financial support AGAINST the unfavored child in these types of ways. So it’s a double burn. Not only is your sibling getting handed all this money … but it enables them to cater to a perhaps narcissistic parent’s whims in ways that then get held against the other children.
The way it works in my family is pretty clear after many years: my brother’s career is working for our parents. He sucks up to them because he needs the money to keep flowing. And they set that level of attentiveness and deference as the standard all other children must meet in order to prove they “love” her. Since no one can perform like that AND hold down a second paying job, it’s an impossible standard. And their claim that he’s the only one who “cares” becomes the justification for the next round of handouts.
I honestly sometimes wish that I was mean enough to record the way my brother talks about my parents behind their backs and show them just how little the supposedly devoted son actually loves them.
But I can’t. Which honestly I have come to conclude is why they’re so mean to me: it’s just bullying plain and simple. We all know what to call it in the schoolyard. But we have some kind of mythology that when bullies grow up and have kids they magically become able to parent without bullying.
This comment made me cringe, because I have witnessed the behaviors mentioned many times. So many things you said here ring true for the people I know that deal with this on a repeated basis. Particularly these quotes, “He sucks up to them because he needs the money to keep flowing. And they set that level of attentiveness and deference as the standard all other children must meet in order to prove they “love” her,” “creating the illusion that my brother has a successful self-owned business” and this one “it’s just bullying plain and simple. We all know what to call it in the schoolyard. But we have some kind of mythology that when bullies grow up and have kids they magically become able to parent without bullying.” I am sorry that you have to deal with parents who behave this way. I hope this post helped you feel less alone. It doesn’t lessen the pain, but it is clear that many others face similar financial favoritism. And you are correct it isn’t about the economics, despite what outsiders think. It is about so much more than money.