Do you think parents should provide financial assistance to their adult children? If so, do you think they should do so equally, or is it okay for parents to give more money to one child? Is providing an unequal inheritance or favoring one child financially ever fair? Is inequality always a sign of sibling favoritism?
Questions like these pour into my inbox each month. These letters come from distressed and heartbroken readers who are trying to figure out how to deal with financial unfairness from their parents.
What happens when parents financially support a sibling? Does that child become dependent on his or her parent’s money? Does he or she ever learn to break free from the cycle of handouts?
How do financial gifts impact the other siblings? What happens when that sibling favoritism continues into adulthood?
Each time I open one of these letters, I pause, reflect on my thoughts, and respond as honestly as possible. The first set of questions arrived in an email six years ago. Since then, a slew of letters have trickled into my inbox, including one I received two days ago.
Why do they keep coming, and what do readers hope to gain by reaching out to me? The answers may surprise you.
Parents Favoring One Child Financially
Six years ago, I watched a close family member deal with issues of sibling rivalry. After a lifetime of witnessing financial favoritism, he began to break down.
It’s hard to watch someone you love struggle this way. After wrestling with my own thoughts, I wrote a short post about it. I described a set of parents that continually give more money to one child.
To be clear, I’m not talking about grown children with special needs or emotional or physical hardships. Splitting an estate into equal amounts may not be possible when one adult child requires more financial resources to survive and thrive. In these situations, estate planning must take these different needs into account.I’m talking about two healthy adult children who have similar capabilities and intelligence.
The story plays out in families everywhere. One child works hard, saves his or her money, and succeeds in life. That child doesn’t watch his or her siblings act the same way. Instead, he or she watches them play hard, have fun, and struggle to pay their bills.
Parents fill the gap between the second sibling’s income and the life he or she wants to lead. As the days turn into months and years, the depth of financial inequality grows.
The rest of the children witness this financial unfairness. They continue to watch their parents financially support a sibling—a sibling who is unwilling to make it on their own.
As the scale tips in favor of one child over another, the resentment between siblings builds. When the emotional toll becomes unbearable, sibling relationships shatter.
Favoring One Child Over Another
It’s been many years since I wrote that post, but the old timestamp doesn’t deter readers from reaching out to me. I still receive heartfelt emails from readers who stumble upon it. These readers feel broken and defeated by financial favoritism in their family.
They reach out for comfort. They want someone to say I understand and I’m sorry. The pain in those letters is palpable. The raw emotions often bring me to tears.
How to Deal With Parents Who Favor Another Sibling
One letter begins; “My parents favor my older sister, and it hurts me to see them together.” Another says, “I feel left out of my whole family. How can I deal with parents who favor my sibling and have favored her for years?”
The third reads, “Why do my parents favor the bad child? My parents favor my brother over me and buy him everything. He is selfish and only cares about himself. My parents never give me any money.”
I am not a trained psychologist. I’m just a blogger who writes about money. I read these words and provide my opinion when readers ask for it.
After years of reading those letters, I felt the need to revisit this topic. I hope that others will stumble upon this new post. I hope they will find an outlet to express their thoughts and feelings.
What are some ways in which parents show financial favoritism? Here are a few details I’ve received from readers over the years. Each is a demonstration of parents favoring one child.
- My parents bought my sister a car but didn’t buy one for me.
- My parents paid for my siblings college tuition and expenses but not mine.
- My parents buy my sister everything.
- My parents bought my sibling a house.
- My brother gets everything he wants.
- My parents bought my sibling a house.
My Parents Favor My Brother Over Me
Let’s discuss a hypothetical scenario—picture two biological sons raised in the same household. The first grown child is a go-getter. He works hard in school, graduates on time, and secures a decent job after college.
As the years wear on, his salary increases. This sibling earns money and saves. He doesn’t live an extravagant life by any means. He eats at home, drives old cars, and vacations close to home.
The second grown child does not take advantage of his opportunities. He fails out of college and begins working at a lower starting salary than his brother. He burns through money as quickly as he earns it.
My Parents Keep Giving My Brother Money
When he runs out of cash, this brother is happy to spend his parent’s money. He consistently accepts their handouts and always chooses the pricier options in life.
His parents buy him a house and an expensive car. They do not offer the other child any of these benefits. This enables the favored child to spend his own money on extravagant vacations.
He can spend money on anything his heart desires. If he goes into debt, his parents hand out money to repair his bad spending habits and poor life decisions.
Now put yourself in those shoes. What if your parents buy your brother everything he wants. What if you pay for the things you need while your brother spends your parents money without batting an eyelash? How does it feel when your parents favor your brother over you? How does it feel when your parents keep giving your brother money?
My Parents Favor My Sister Over Me
Now let’s discuss a second scenario. This time picture two biological daughters raised in the same household. In this example, the older child chooses a career in engineering while the younger child chooses a career in teaching. Again the first child can afford the items she desires. The second child cannot.
In this case, should the parents provide financial assistance to the younger sister? Should they buy her sports equipment, summer vacations, and a down payment on a house or new car? Should they buy nice things because she cannot afford them?
If you were the parent in these scenarios, would you offer financial assistance? Would you answer the same way for the scenario for both examples? Did the details of the story cause you to react differently? How would it feel if your parents provided your brother or sister with a handful of cash, but didn’t offer you any?
Now imagine you are a sibling in these examples.
My Parents Bought My Sibling a House
How would you feel if your parents bought your sibling a house and didn’t give you anything at all? Maybe your parents helped your brother buy a home he could never afford on his own, or your dad secretly pays your brothers’ rent. How does it feel when you watch house prices rise and know you can’t save up for a down payment?
Maybe you’ve approached your parents for money. Do they refuse to give you cash or tell you they can’t help? In a perfect world, your parents wouldn’t buy your sibling a house without providing you with a similar financial gift, but if you’ve read this far, you know the world isn’t perfect.
Parents Giving More Money To One Child
As a parent, would you be willing to give more money to one child than another? If you are willing to offer your adult children money, you are not alone. Nearly 75% of parents are helping their children financially.
Many parents provide financial assistance to their adult children, but what happens when gifts aren’t handed out equally? Is it ever okay for parents to give more money to one child? What happens when parents keep giving more money to one child? What happens when sibling favoritism continues into adulthood?
Children can grow into angry, frustrated adults. Imagine yourself in the same situation. How would you feel if your parents gave money to one child without ever offering to help you?
The examples above are not fictitious stories. They are real-world examples emailed by grown men and women.
Why do readers email me? Because it feels awkward and strange to discuss this topic in the real world. Admitting that your parents favor one child financially isn’t an easy task. It’s one of those dirty money problems no one wants to talk about. Once you utter this sentiment, you can’t take back your words.
Many of my readers feel ashamed and embarrassed. They can’t talk openly for fear that others will judge them or perceive them as being greedy.
They can’t discuss the situation in real life. When they do, friends tell them to keep their noses out of their parent’s business.
“You have everything you need,” their friends tell them. “Why are you asking for equality? Things aren’t equal now. You can pay for your own stuff. Why do you care if your parents give more money to one child? Why do you want more?”
Some of you will agree with these sentiments. You may be reading this post, thinking “get over it” or “stop complaining.” You may say, “It’s the parents’ money; they can do whatever they want with it.” If you feel this way, you were most likely raised in a balanced family where you felt appreciated and loved.
I’ve never dealt with financial inequality in my own family, but I have seen it many times. In those cases, the favoritism was extensive. Parents didn’t just give one sibling more money. They gave more love and attention too.
Sibling Financial Favoritism
What is sibling financial favoritism? Financial favoritism occurs when parents provide unequal financial gifts to their children. Giving more money to one child isn’t just a monetary issue. Favoring one child financially disrupts the family balance. It can lead to a lifetime of resentment and pain.
Siblings talk about money, balance ledgers, unequal inheritances, wills, and other financial jargon. Talking this way makes them appear greedy and selfish, but in reality, this isn’t about money. Complex family dynamics create a wide range of emotions, and these grown children feel angry, sad, and distressed.
This pain extends back through childhood. It involves sibling rivalries that began when they were small. It stems from the belief that parents love one sibling more than another. They feel like their parents play favorites and provide preferential treatment to the child they love.
As young children, kids measure parental affection in hugs and kisses. As adults, they begin to equate money with love. The idea of sibling financial favoritism weighs heavily upon them. Parents who favor one child over the other leave can leave one child with deep emotional scars. It occupies their thoughts and leaves them feeling hurt and unloved.
Some of you want to know, “Why would the successful sibling feel jealous of financial inequality? If the child is financially stable, why would they care if their parents give more money to one child?”
The reasons are complex.
Helping One Child
Here is an example: One reader spoke at length about wanting to become an artist. Although she dreamed of creating art, she chooses a job as an accountant. She chose a stable, well-paid profession so she wouldn’t have to worry about paying her bills.
In contrast, her sister studied writing and dreamed of becoming a novelist. While she wrote books, her parents paid for her food and housing.
The ‘successful’ sibling was miserable. What would her life be like if she had pursued her passion? If she knew her parents would foot the bill, she would have chosen a different profession.
She was successful but miserable. The ability to pay her bills did not leave her feeling happy and fulfilled.
The same goes for many other readers who talk about working in jobs they hate. They trudge off to work while their lower-paid siblings live off their parents’ subsidies.
These readers feel less love from their parents. If they quit their jobs, would their parents support them? Most of the people who write to me believe their parents wouldn’t give them a dime.
Why Does a Parent Favor One Child?
Why does a parent favor one child? Sometimes parents gravitate towards certain children. This often happens if they have similar temperaments, personalities, or physical attributes. Other times they side with a child who is easy to get along with or one who can be easily manipulated and controlled.
Favoritism hurts. When parents favor one child financially, this pain intensifies. Sibling financial favoritism destroys relationships between family members. It’s difficult to watch a sibling get more love, attention, and financial rewards too.
Complex Feelings: Bitterness and Anger
It’s hard to stand by while a sibling receives handouts. Will your sibling ever stop spending your parents’ money? Will he or she ever stop accessing the bank of mom and dad?
It makes some adult children cry out, “It’s not fair!” Sure we all know life isn’t fair, but when the inequality stems from within the family unit, it can be harder to bear.
Some of my readers are mistaken for being greedy. One reader said she didn’t really want the money. She wanted her family to recognize that she didn’t have an amazing life.
Her parents kept telling her she had everything and to feel grateful. It didn’t matter that she was horribly unhappy in her stable job.
She said, “My sister has it so easy. She works in a job she loves, and my parents foot the other bills. In the meantime, I stare miserably at the side of a cubicle all afternoon. I’m stuck in a job I don’t love.”
Defining and Judging Needs
Many of the readers who write to me live within their means. They carefully weigh their wants and needs. Many of them drive old cars and live in smaller houses. They watch their parents pay for new cars or bigger homes for their siblings.
Disciplined adults buy used products and forgo camp for their kids. Their siblings are unwilling to live with less. They ask for money for equipment and pricey sleep away camps.
Their definition of the term needs differs greatly from their family’s definition. They want their parents to say, “no, you don’t need that pricey stuff’ and they feel hurt when that doesn’t happen.
Parents Financially Support Sibling
I have not experienced financial inequality from my own parents. I have seen it many times via extended family members.
Conflict arises when one sibling perceives the other as lazy. Readers say things like: If I work hard, stay on track and save my money, I can afford a house in a nice community.
If my sibling does not do these things, does he ‘deserve’ the same life that I live? Do we not make choices in our lives and have to live by the choices we made? What about the sacrifices I have made to achieve my goals?
If I choose to become a software engineer, then I may earn a lot, but I might not enjoy my job. In that case, money wins over enjoyment. If my sibling chooses to become an artist, she may love her job but not be able to afford a house in a nice community.
Resentment grows when a sibling sees his or her counterpart getting the best of both worlds: a life they enjoy and financial success (in the form of money from their parents).
The bitterness blooms when a sibling has to forge his own path in life. Then watches his parents financially support a sibling without a care in the world.
Imagine working hard in a job you don’t love to pay your mortgage. Now imagine watching your parents buy your sibling a house he can’t afford.
How does it feel for one sibling to settle into a career while the other runs up debt? Is it fair for the parents to play favorites and even the financial score?
That sibling had the time of his life and ends up right on track with his sibling, who had to work hard. Many readers are resentful of their siblings. “I didn’t enjoy the last ten years the way my sibling did, and now we are on equal ground.”
How to Deal with Financial Unfairness from Parents
How do you deal with unequal financial support from your parents? Do they divide their money in a way that feels unfair and unjustified? How do you handle their financial favoritism?
First, ask yourself, “What bothers you about your parents’ decision to give more money to your sibling?” Is it really about the money, or is there something deeper to explore?
Why are you upset about your parents’ decision to provide unequal financial gifts? Have you always felt less important than your sibling? Have your parents always treated your brother or sister differently? Do you think your parents love your sibling more than you?
What can you do in these types of situations? How can you deal with financial unfairness from your parents? First, try to accept your feelings.
It’s easy for outsiders to say, “I wouldn’t be upset or feel angry.” Good for them. They are not you. You have a right to feel unhappy about the situation. Don’t let anyone shame you for the way you feel. Recognize the complex emotions for what they are rather than what others tell you they should be.
Unfortunately, you may not be able to change the situation. Most of the time, you have to accept it for what it is without letting your negative feelings overwhelm you.
If your parents give more money to your sibling, they will probably continue to do so. Unfortunately, once your brother or sister accepts your parents’ handouts, he or she will continue to ask for more. It’s incredibly difficult to break the circle of dependency once it begins.
If you are able to pay your bills, then the good news is that you don’t need your parents’ money. You made it on your own.
You can count the blessings in your life and focus on the positive things that surround you. Do you have a good relationship with your spouse or significant other? Are the people in your life healthy and strong?
How to Deal With Parents Who Favor Your Sibling
If you are struggling to cope with your emotions, consider seeking advice from a trained therapist or counselor. Professionals can provide tools and techniques to help you deal with parental favoritism.
It’s not easy to deal with parents who favor one child over another. It may be difficult to watch your parents provide handouts on a routine basis. Pain and resentment may grow with each passing gift.
Bitter feelings often arise when parents become a crutch for a sibling’s bad behavior. The angriest letters come from readers whose parents financially support a sibling.
A little money here or there seems reasonable, but when the sibling can no longer survive without those handouts, the anger builds. Readers become downright irate at the thought of their siblings spending their parents’ hard-earned money.
In these situations, it’s important to keep a calm mind and clear head. Take deep breaths and reflect on your thoughts and feelings before talking to any members of your family.
Remember that your words and actions may impact your future relationships. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it should not be taken lightly either. Make sure you can discuss the subject matter calmly and rationally if you do choose to speak up.
I know that this won’t make up for the injustice you feel, but the truth is you have little to no say in the matter. If your brother or sister is willing to put his or her hand out for money, your parents will continue to supply gifts.
This will probably continue for most, if not all, of their adult life. Since the situation is unlikely to go away, your best option is to do your best to look beyond it.
If you are unhappy with your current life, search for ways to make it better. Learn about financial independence and strive to pursue your goals independently.
Sibling Spending Parents’ Money
Will your sibling ever stop spending your parents’ money? Over time it will become extremely difficult for your brother or sister to grow strong and capable. With each financial handout, your parents destroy your sibling’s desire to work and succeed. Over time a dependency forms that cannot be broken.
It’s little consolation, but this family situation will provide you with incredible resilience. As your parents support your sibling, they weaken his or her resolve.
You, on the other hand, have no choice but to make it on your own. So you will dig deep within yourself to achieve greatness. In many cases, you will become more successful in life than your favored sibling.
You will end up with more friends and deeper relationships outside of your family. Determined to be a success, you will strive for feats your sibling will never take on.
It’s easy to become weak when you don’t have to work hard to achieve financial success on your own. Look the other way when your parents support your sibling financially. Be thankful that you can find the will and determination to stand on your own successfully.
How do you deal with financial unfairness? What can you do when you feel less supported by your parents than your siblings? How do you come to terms with parents who don’t treat each child equally?
I don’t have all of the answers. They depend on your family dynamic, your ability to speak openly with your parents, and your belief that things could change.
Take Pride in Your Success
Be thankful for all that you have accomplished in life. Look around at your successes, write them down, and read that list to yourself regularly. You are in control of your life and your finances. Pat yourself on the back for that, because many people are not in the same situation.
Recognize that your parents may continue to enable your sibling. As a result, your brother or sister may continue to make the wrong choices and to act carelessly at times. Talk to them if you feel it will help, but approach your conversation carefully. Recognize, in most instances; they don’t want your advice and most likely won’t change their ways.
Accept the discrepancies. Your parents are not keeping a ledger of payments or ensuring their estate plan levels the playing field. In reality, they may not be able to ‘even the score’ or divide their estate equally.
Don’t keep a scorecard or lay your hopes on receiving more money upon their death. That’s just creepy, plus for all, you know, they will outlive you. Don’t waste your time on this Earth waiting to see what happens when someone dies. Make peace with the situation as it stands right now!
I realize this is all easier said than done. Believe me, I do, but in time it does get better if you change your frame of mind. Once you know you can’t do anything about it, you can stop carrying the bitterness around with you. Sometimes therapy is the best way to address your resentment.
Sibling Harmony and Balance
I hope to provide equal gifts to my own children, but I really have no idea what their lives will entail. I plan to talk to them about financial decisions. My goal is to avoid hurt feelings and pain. I will discuss my thoughts and ensure that communication remains open as much as possible along the way.
My mom served as a great example for me. She tried her best to create harmony in our family. As children, neither of us suffered from emotional or physical hardships, which certainly made it easier to balance our needs.
Still, I don’t want to diminish my mom’s efforts. She split her time, attention, love, and money equally. As a mom of two children, I know that’s harder to accomplish than it sounds.
Inheritance Favoritism
Unfortunately, this balance isn’t always easy to achieve. Family dynamics are complicated. Unresolved conflicts between siblings and parents can fester and grow well into adulthood. Add in the complexity of money, and the lines between love and loved ones can easily blur.
These negative feelings can persist as parents age and need financial support and long after they’re gone. Favoritism issues don’t end after a parent dies; in many cases, they flare after the funeral when inheritance favoritism rears its ugly head.
Sibling Balance: My Story
My own memory of familial balance came at the age of four or five.
“Am I your favorite?” I asked my mom as I climbed into her lap just before bedtime. I was sleepy from a long day of activities and in need of extra reassurance and love.
My mom’s expression grew soft. I paused quietly so she could answer. She looked down at me with her big brown eyes, pulled the hair away from my brow, and spoke without hesitation.
She didn’t have to ponder the question or think of an appropriate answer. “You know I love you and your brother equally,” she said. Her response felt like a simple fact, a truth that cannot be denied.
She gently cupped my face within her hands and planted a kiss upon my forehead. At that moment, I wholeheartedly believed her. To this day, I still do.
I hope one day, my children can say the same. I know we all do.
My parents are quite elderly (91/92). My mom fell and broke her hip two years ago and has since had a remarkable recovery. During her rehab time my dad gave me a large bagful of random paperwork that needed to be sorted through and shredded. I came across a note written approximately ten years prior by my mom. It was an itemization of a check she had given my brother as a “gift” to the amount of nearly $250K…..with the attachment “Don’t tell the girls” (sister and me). Before finding this, my brother was fired from his job, drank excessively, and my parents were supporting him so he wouldn’t lose his house or car. That lasted for three years. He was twice divorced and my niece and nephew were living with their mom, so it wasn’t even for their sake. Neither my sister or myself were never given handouts in difficult times as we were expected to handle things on our own. I now see the irony of dealing with a golden child.
Fast forward……our parents are at the stage where they need help to live independently in their home. Brother is missing in action ( he lives ten minutes away) while we are doing all the work to help keep them comfortable. All the while they are concerned that brother gets his fair share when all is said and done. I am the executor and we have never said anything about the emotionally charged note…..so they have no idea we know about their one sided generosity. Given their age I don’t want to bring this up now, but it gets more difficult with time because my sister and I find ourselves at odds as to why my parents would do something so hurtful.
I’m sorry you are going through this. As you can see from the list of comments above many children go through similar situations with their parents and siblings. It seems parents often give money to the child who cannot support himself or herself successfully. Perhaps your parents believe you and your sister will always be able to take care of yourselves and your brother will not. It doesn’t make the situation right, but after years of receiving comments and emails about these stories that does seem to be the parent’s reasoning in most of these cases. If that is the case be proud of all that you can accomplish without their money.
My parents divorced and remarried when I was 7 years old. My sister and I have felt we did not belong in either home. They both started new families and had kids. Our half siblings got cars, college, rent paid for them, ground and homes bought for them and the list goes on. But for me and my sister, we got nothing. The other half siblings are married with good jobs one is a Chiropractor and one had a Degree in forensic science,. and are still getting cars, homes, and who knows what else. I work in a factory. While I did not get college, I paid for my own junk car, have been divorced twice. My life has been a struggle providing for my two sons. Still I get NO support from my Dad and step mother. All the Money is given to the two girls they have together. It was my Dad we lived with growing up. He had No child support to pay. As for my Mom and step dad, They have a son who they bought many nice cars for ground to build a house on the list goes. AGAIN nothing for me or my sister. We have lived our life on the outside wanting in, wanting to be accepted, I even named my baby after my stepmother. I wanted to be liked, I wanted my kids to be accepted. AS myself they do not get the same as the other grandkids. My kids get nothing. I have tried getting my Dad to go to counseling years ago. He would not. My sister and I growing up had to clean every inch of the big house we lived in, all the laundry including putting it away. we washed the sheets on there bed scrubbed their shower not just our own. Mowed the lawns. Our half sister never had to do these things. I never had a best friend until I was 17 years old. Our stepmother was cold. She pretends to like us. We feel that our half sisters don’t like us either. Why they have every thing we have nothing. The Pain does not go away. I am always seeing what dad and the step mom are doing for their girls never me and my sister. We are BROKEN.
I’m sorry about your situation as you can see you from other comments you are not alone. It is fortunate that you and your sister are able to talk to one another and relate about the problems you are experiencing. In most of these situations one child feels completely estranged from the rest. I can’t offer much guidance, but I do hope you can heal your wounds together. It sounds like you are very supportive of one another.
My sister has always been bad with money and spent every penny she earnt, she has not worked for around 10 years. She and my BIL have in the last 5 years got a brand new four bedroom council house which they now have for life.
I have a full time job. I am not short of money but this is because I save and live within my means, I do not live a life of luxury, I live in a small flat and drive a 15 year old car.
My parents have given my sister many many thousands over the last 20 years of financial disasters, this is always secret – to be fair on a couple of occasions I have unexpectedly been presented with a cheque, which I guess is intended to “redress the balance” somewhat.
My dad admitted on these occasions that it’s to make up for money they have given my sister and he thinks its “most unfair”, my mum never says anything of the sort, so I guess my dad at least feels guilty about it. Please don’t get me wrong I appreciate the money (which I always save and it’s still sat there in a bank account) but I am fully aware – by a long shot – it is not equal amounts of money we are talking about here.
Recently another one of my sisters “hidden” debts urgently came to light which my parents cleared overnight (several thousands of pounds). I fell out with them after suggesting that they let her deal with the issue rather than bailing her out yet again – bearing in mind that instead of ample opportunity to reduce this debt herself in the last few years, they had ignored it and she had very recently decided to spend thousands on decking and garden furniture (probably 30-50% of this overall debt)
I was basically told to mind my own business, it’s their money and worst of all indirectly accused of being after money myself (which I can assure you is not the case). They seem completely unwilling or unable to tell her to care of her own finances – instead they are continuing the cycle and rewarding her, happy to fall out with me it seems – but not her.
I have thought about this long and hard, ultimately it’s their money they can do what they like with it (and yes I’d rather they just spent it on themselves) but I think what gets to me is that they would happily tell anyone “we treat both our kids the same” when in fact they don’t. They are delusional if they can’t see that, and what makes it worse is that both of them come from families where they were not treated equally financially (estates not being split evenly between siblings) and they have both willingly gone along and done the same thing with their own.
Apologies if this is too long – I appreciate the chance to let off a bit of steam in this forum. I fully empathise with all those who left feedback here and moreso I admire those that don’t let it get to them!
Hi Tom, Thank you for leaving your story here. As you can see there are many other adults who experience similar issues with their parents. Based on the number of emails and comments I’ve received over the years, I think financial favoritism is more prevalent than most of us would imagine. I agree that a big part of the frustration comes from the vernacular parents choose to use. I have also heard the statement “we treat all kids fairly” from extended family members. I think the problem is their definition of “fair” may not align with their children’s. Also fair and equal are not the same thing.
Thanks for the post. The comments resonate with me too. My younger brother has has never lived within his means, always getting a new car every year or two, careless spending on day to day stuff but also big purchases. and not putting anything away for retirement. He’s always lived closest to my parents, and somehow manipulated my parents into spending money, and if not always getting direct stuff, getting the very nice hand-me-downs. After my older brother and I had moved out of the house, my parents were way more permissive and relaxed, making my younger brother’s high school experience so much more relaxed with visitors and social occasions that were not allowed when we were in high school. Later on, they retired and ended up moving to be in the same university town my younger brother was moving for school (I went to the same Uni years prior and scraped together a poverty existence there with part-time jobs), helping him with cars an a nice apartment, and of course many small regular assistance and benefits from living near.
I’ve always been careful with my money, and benefited from this mindset in many ways, but I would have preferred to relax a bit, enjoy my life socially more, or had done senior year abroad, for example. I cobbled together a bare-bones life in college with part-time jobs, hard-earned scholarships, and loans that I paid off myself, and had to bike everywhere and limit my options. I regret not having more fun because of a scarcity mindset, but my concerns about my future and how to accomplish required my nose to the grindstone. Maybe I worried to much, but I never felt like someone was there to have my back. I’m not sure I was born for these times, because society at large seems to punish the responsible savers and bail out the spendthrift. The emotionally close and carefree child who stumbles from insolvency to insolvency gets far more parental attention and care, with his concerns being at my parent’s top of mind.
Recently, despite having not paid down any of his mortgage principal, he wanted a nicer home, and my payments helped him sell his house at deficit, and gave him a 30% down payment on a brand new home in a better neighborhood. Now he just got my dad to buy a Tesla, and of course is getting the 2-year old SUV hand-me-down. The positive is that he lives close to them, so he can potentially be helpful since our parents are getting old, but the direction of support thus far has been one-way. I bought my own home without help and early on rented out 2/3rds of it for years to make payments. I’m doing well, but would like acknowledgment of the inequality, the sacrifices I made to do it myself, and more effort to instill responsibility and hardwork in my younger brother by saying no.
meant to say “my parents helped him sell his house at deficit…”
Thank you for leaving a comment, others will read it and feel less alone. As you can see many others feel the same way that you do about their family dynamics. I wish that financial inequality didn’t exist, but it does in some families. Please take the time to pat yourself on the back for your accomplishments and be proud that you can make it on your own!
Thank you for your blog. I have witnessed and heard similar stories for many years and I have felt badly for the “wronged” parties. My experience is a bit different, so I thought I would vent my spleen a bit. And these comments are directed at those who believe that “it’s their money; they can do whatever they want with it.”
My father-in-law (FIL) passed away over 10 years ago. My mother-in-law (MIL) had never handled money or even written a check! Everyone sat at a table and agreed to set up a trust with equal shares for each of the children after the mom is gone. At that time, pre-2008 recession, the 3 siblings were doing OK financially, but a few of the nieces and nephews were having problems. Either voluntarily or via request, the majority of MIL’s monthly budget went to support her grandchildren. Although I personally feel that that type of support is a benefit to the other siblings and is unfair to the childless couple, we never commented on it, nor spent too much time thinking negatively about it.
Since the recession, things have radically changed. Sibling #1 quit work, will be collecting a pension, and lives on a property valued at over $1 million (mortgage-free thanks to an earlier loan from the parents which was repaid). Sibling #2 began working, and is married to someone who will collect a pension, and is also living in a property valued at over $1 million (more later). My husband is sibling #3. Our lives have been the most negatively impacted. We both lost great jobs in 2008, and due to age and health issues, have not been able to re-enter the workforce. Although we lost half of our savings in the recession, we have managed to survive without asking for assistance from the government or MIL. But here is where it gets painful; the MIL continues to shovel money at the other two siblings. In fact, she SECRETLY shopped for and helped purchase #2’s house. She accidentally let it slip one day. When we asked about it, she would not tell us the details but intimated that we shouldn’t care because “we have a lot of savings.” We have never discussed our finances with her, so she came to that conclusion most likely because we don’t constantly ask her for money. Like many above, we do not go out or take vacations, we drive a 15-year-old car and cannot afford many necessities of life. We do not know if the money was a gift or a loan, but we know that they know it was wrong because they kept it a secret and we are certain that no one created the proper document to make it an advance against the future value in the trust. My husband was so hurt/angry that he has not spoken to any of them since then. The bottom line is that the family agreed that everything should be equal, but they broke that agreement and lied about it, so I feel that we are completely justified in our resentment.
I’m sorry that you and your husband are going through this with your family. Have you ever considered talking to your MIL about your financial situation. It sounds like she genuinely believes you don’t need the money. Do you think it would make a difference if she knew you were struggling or do you think she would play favorites even if she knew? Most of the time parents have a general understanding of their children’s finances, but in this case it sounds like she really doesn’t know you need help. Could that be the case?
I recently stumbled across this post and thought it was very interesting. I too am in a situation that is to say the least, awkward. My MIL has a sister that is very very well off, she is with, not married, to someone who owns a business that has done extremely well, but have been together for probably over 30 years. My husband has two sisters. One married with two younger children, both have good jobs, the other not married but dating the same person for years, also both have good jobs. My husband is in the trades and started right out of high school. We both have done well for ourselves and have been smart with out money.
My MIL recently was at our home and told us that my husbands aunt, MIL’s sister, was going to gift each of his sisters with 250k for a down payment on a home. One of the sisters owns a home they are currently living in so that was a bit confusing. The other sister with the children has been looking for a house the past few months as they are currently renting.
I was very surprised by this news but thought it was great for his sisters. I don’t think my husband really knew what to say. We had not heard anything about this from his aunt, not that it is our business as she can spend her money as she sees fit.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I had my husbands side of the family over for Mother’s Day and his sister was talking about this farm they were looking at. The sales price of the farm is over 900k. It has 25 acres, a main house and a guest house. The sister with the kids would live in the larger main house and his other sister would live in the small guest house. The property has an indoor horse arena and outdoor as well. His sister is very much into horses, which I believe my husbands aunt has funded most of that over the years as well. Its a beautiful home and anyone would be ecstatic to have such a place. To make a long story short, my husbands aunt ended up purchasing the farm for the sisters. I don’t know the exact financials, I think they are paying some but it’s very obvious that they could not afford the property together let alone each of them separately. I don’t even think they will be paying property taxes.
My husband and I have had very few brief conversations regarding this because there is not much to say. At the end of the day my husbands aunt is welcome to utilize her funds any way she chooses, we completely understand that and respect that. My husband did say that a phone call from his aunt would have been nice so he was not blindsided.
I also think my husband views this a bit differently because it’s his family and of course he loves his sisters and would never let anything come between them. Especially something as silly as money. I, on the other hand, feel quite differently and I wish I didn’t. I could see my husband was upset and I do think it is unfair, but not necessarily the money. I feel like no one had the decency to pull him aside and say “hey, just wanted to let you know this is happening etc.” I think that is what I am having such a problem with. They freely talk about how great it is in front of us and have invited us to their housewarming party. I am never sure what to say because I can’t believe no one sees how this could’ve upset my husband. This situation has unfortunately made me see his family in a little different light and I really wish that wasn’t the case.
I’m sorry to read about your situation and I can completely understand why you and your husband would feel bewildered by it. Sometimes families try to be hurtful, but other times they are simply oblivious to the situation. One sibling takes a wad of cash from a relative completely oblivious to the fact that their brother or sister is standing there empty handed. It’s difficult to watch this all take place as an in-law, especially when you know your husband is hurt by his aunt’s actions, but try to be there for him the way he needs you to be. If he is letting this wash over him then try your best to support his decision. If he wants to talk with this family then be there to support him with that too. It sounds like he loves his sisters and doesn’t want this decision to come between them. I commend that. In the same place, I do not know if I could be so understanding.
My mother did everything for my brother gave him free place to live and used car. She encouraged him to get job but he could never keep one. If he didn’t get what he wanted he threatened to burn her house down so she caved in gave him what he wanted. He spent his entire life living in her house, living off her income and never paying bill. He proudly state he took care of the lawn. By age 90 she had dementia refused to leave him and even when sister and I begged her to live with one of us. She passed away at 95 in nursing home that my sister and had to pay for because her income would not cover it. She changed her will and gave her house to my brother. Actually signed it over in the nursing home to him. My sister and I had to pay for the funeral because my brother refused to do anything. Three years have past and my brother is asking my sister and myself for money to pay taxes on mother’s house that he is owner. I’m dealing with so much angry and emotional guilt over this. Although I don’t want him to lose the house but at the same time I do not want to become his enabler. I feel like I’m a bad person for not helping my brother. However, I know my brother he will keep asking for more once I give him money. Any advice?
Oh Jacqueline, this is a hard story to read. It sounds like your mom’s enabling made your brother incapable of supporting himself and now he cannot afford the home your mom left him. Have you talked to your sister? It sounds like you need to have a heart to heart talk with both of your siblings. If you help him out this time will you need to help him every time from now on or can he change his ways and support himself if you help him?
My 2 brothers and I still live with my parents. We are all teenagers. I remember not too long ago, I found out that my parents were giving my brothers an allowance. When I found out, I was really upset and it turned into a really big argument. My parent’s reasoning was that they didn’t need to give me an allowance because I would do my chores anyway. It turns out that everyone knew about this and was careful not to let me know about it. I just don’t understand how it was worth the effort to not give me about 3 dollars a week. I’m pretty sure that they had stopped after that, since my brothers messed up my stuff for about 2 weeks. I haven’t done my chores since, except for taking care of our cats. My brothers don’t either, so my parents will have to figure out that problem on their own. Later, we were putting in sprinklers and we had to dig trenches. I found out that my brothers were getting paid about 50 dollars per section. They had done 2 sections together and I had done 2 sections by myself. After that, again, my parents stopped after a huge argument. Their reasoning this time was that they really wanted to rent a cool car. Not like I’m saving up for college or anything. They had to rent a machine to dig the trenches because, again, no one would do it. They kept telling me that im part of this family so i should help out. My brothers earned 50 dollars each and I got nothing.
I’m sorry you are going through this. As you can see in the previous comments you are not alone. It’s good you’ve spoken to your parents and that they stop providing handouts when you talk to them. Do you think you could tell them that you would like to get the same gifts your brothers receive? How do you think they would react to that if you asked? Sometimes children can talk to their parents and other times they can’t. Only you know if you can have an honest conversation with them without creating more turmoil in your relationship. I do wish you the best. Thank you for leaving a comment for others to read. It helps other readers know they are not alone either.
So many of these stories have resonated with me. Thank you for providing this blog where we can see we are not alone.
In my case the favorite one was my youngest sister. After university I found work at a factory. I worked there for two years before they downsized and 29 workers were go. I was one of them. After looking for another job unsuccessfully for some time. I decided to teach overseas and used some of my savings to pay for the plane ticket. Fast forward a couple of years and my youngest sister decides to do the same. We lived and worked in the same country for about eight years…. although in different cities. During all that time I supported myself on my earnings and even paid the rent for my sister’s side business most of those years. Then she went home for good. I learned shortly afterwards during her time abroad, my father also been supporting her to the tune of 60,000+ dollars. And the thing was she was making more than I was. The icing on the cake was when I decided to come home for a visit and my father said don’t bother. I learned later he’d done so at the instigation of my sister…who apparently didn’t like the comparison we would present. A successful teacher and an unemployed woman with two kids living off her father. Since then I have not to any of them for the last 7 years. They were brazen enough to insist on me sending my money home even after all this and just after I sent 22 thousand home.
comment should ‘ I have not spoken’
I have read all of the comments, but would love feedback on my situation. My parents divorced over fifty years ago. Both have remarried. My father had another child with his wife. This half-sister is 27 years younger than me. I am now in my early sixties. My dad is in his mid eighties.
My father worked hard at his business, and is extremely wealthy. The half-sister has been the recipient of his financial success (think trips to Europe, Ivy League education, extravagant vacations, apartment rent paid for in a major US city, etc.).
I have had a comfortable life, and am currently a widow. I do not need to work and will have enough money to live on for the rest of my life. From time to time my dad has given me some money (about $1,500/year) for birthdays and holidays, and has done the same for my two other sisters that he is the father. My dad has also been my financial advisor over the years and there is no doubt his expertise has increased my portfolio since I was widowed almost four years ago.
Since my half sister was born, his involvement with my sisters and myself has declined. He barely knows any of his six grandchildren and rarely asks about them. We live in different cities, and I understand that his attention is/has been focused on my half sister. (P.S.-his wife has nothing to do with me and my siblings). He is not a bad or mean guy at all.
I’m struggling with his lack of interest in my life and his grandchildren’s lives, plus that he seems oblivious that when he talks about all that he does financially for his youngest daughter is hurtful.
On the one hand, I know I have been blessed to not have to worry about money; however, it’s hard for me to hear about what he does for the half sister for which I have guessed to be around $100,000 a year. She is thirty-four and not married but has a solid career.
Today I was asking for some financial advice, and he basically told me that I should be working with another broker instead of helping me. I know he is brilliant when it comes to investments, and I’m quite sure he is still managing his own finances, as well as my half sisters. He loves managing money and still does this for a few wealthy clients.
I have never said anything to him about the difference in how he treats me and my sisters differently than my half sister when it comes to money. Yes, we are all adults and have done well for ourselves. I just don’t know if it’s worth my while to point out how differently he treats us emotionally and financially. Like many have noted on this site, it IS his money to do with what he wants. I have been a good daughter over the years to him and he visits me twice a year and stays with me.
My question is: Do I tell him I don’t want to hear about how he helps my half sister? And that he hurt my feelings by not continuing to assist me in managing my investments? Or am I spinning my wheels and need to lower my expectations?
Thanks for having this forum to allow me to express myself. It helps just to put things down in writing.
@Cookie, I think it depends on how you will feel if he disregards your feelings. Sometimes we need to voice our thoughts, but we must always be prepared that the result will not be what we want. What if you tell him and he doesn’t seem to care? On the other hand, what if you don’t speak up? Will it haunt you long after he’s gone that you didn’t say anything?
It’s so unfair we only ever want time & love. We’ve always worked hard & proudly provided for ourselves. My husband parents constantly bail out brother in law.
They put spending time with friends before family so we get neither time not money.
Meanwhile his brother is spending excess on booze, alcohol & paying his girlfriend’s divorce after affair.
My blood boils as my parents put family & fairness before all else as would I.
This article really hit home. I started the process of writing my mom, in her late 70s, a letter……very, very long letter about her showing favoritism towards my brother and some other things she did that deeply hurt me. It go to a point that my suppressed anger kept resurfacing and I knew that I needed to express everything to her. Because she gets angry, defensive and plays rhe victim when confronted about things that don’t show her in a good light, I figured that the letter would be a good idea, no matter her reaction to it. I actually wish that I’d done it years ago. What do you thibk think about that method?
Here’s my situation. My brother is the favored child……42 years old, college dropout, quit his job 14 years ago and has not worked since……YES, 14 YEARS UNEMPLOYED!!!……, never saved money when he did work, depends on my mom to buy everything for him, has always and still lives with my mom, gets an attitude if him getting a job is brought up and has serious anger issues in general. My mom lies to people to make them think that he is working. She even goes so far as to tell him to be quiet when she’s on the phone during the day because she doesn’t want people to hear him talking and wonder why he’s not at a job that she makes them think he has.
Meanwhile, I’m the child who you described as the saver and maintains my lifestyle financially. I graduated from college, worked many jobs over the years that I hated just to save money and not rely on my mom. I was even able to save enough for times when I became unemployed and it carried me until another job came along. Also, I’ve driven the same beat up car for almost 2 decades and haven’t had a vacation since 2006, all in the name of living within my means. I’m always striving for a higher paying job but until that comes, I’m fine with my low budget routine.
My issue with my mom being an enabler goes beyond her helping him financially. She has also always taken up for him when he’s been angry and gotten physically aggressive with me and she is very lenient towards him for situations that she gave me hard times for over the years. Every time I feel like I’ve gotten over one of her favoritism acts towards my brother, she does another one and I’m triggered all over again. Here are just a few examples:
1) I begged to change schools when I was about 11 and attend a junior high and high school near where we lived. I had friends established there and it was a more diverse setting which would’ve allowed me to thrive more and showcase my personality. The school I was attending was the one she taught at, about 45 minutes from where we lived and I did not like it. I always had to hear students talking negatively about my mom, causing me to get into arguments with them or just ignore it and suppress those emotions. Anyway she would get angry and tell me to stop asking her to go to another school because me and my brother were going to graduate from that school district. I ended up graduating from there and guess where my brother ended up going? Yep, to the school that I begged her to go to for years. That was over 20 years ago and it still stings today.
2) She bought both of us used cars years ago, right after I graduated college. She set up a payment plan that we had to promise to stick to, in order to pay her back. I stuck to mine, paid for all repairs over the years and still have the vehicle today. My brother still has not paid her back and she never pressed him to. She also has paid for all of his car repairs and given him gas money, which has amounted to several thousand dollars, which he never paid back. Now she’s even talking about him getting another used vehicle, with no job. I’m sure she’ll have no problem being stupid once again and “help” him out.
3) She complained about her water and electric bill being high several times when I moved back temporarily. I was only there about 5 months because I was needed to help another elderly family member who lived nearby. I was not able to stay with him and my mom lives a few houses down from him. So I regrettably endured staying there with my mom and brother. During that time, she fussed about the water and electricity, telling me and my brother that we need to cut down on usage. Now I was only at her house to basically sleep and shower and the rest of the time I was away taking care of that elderly family member. Plus, I gave her money whike there to spend on whatever. Meanwhile, my unemployed brother was taking 2 or 3 showers a day, just to sit at home and watch TV all day. When I told her that she should direct that complaint towards my brother because he’s the one sitting at home all day, using up electricity and water, she got extremely angry and defensive and took up for him. She said that he is looking for a job and made him out to be some sort of good guy. Then 2 days later, he was screaming at her because she asked him the whereabouts of something she had stored in the garage. Her reaction was not anything new. She complained about the water and electricity, even when I was NOT living there, and I’d give her some money to help her out. I haven’t done that in years though because I see that she never nipped the REAL PROBLEM in the bud, which is enabling my brother and not taking accountability from doing so.
This was just a tip of the iceberg because there is so much more. I honestly developed a hatred towards her that won’t go away. I know she will never change but all I wanted were answers the few times I did confront her this. But she did her usual by getting angry, defensive and then playing the victim. So I will send this letter to her as my final method of standing up for myself. To sweeten the pot and just in case she doesn’t read everything or doesn’t respond, I started the letter by letting her know that all issues outlined have been discussed with family members or will be discussed with them. I know how she likes to sweep things under the rug and doesn’t want people to know. So seeing that as the intro will let her know that even if she doesn’t read everything or thinks she can put me down for it and no one will know, that isn’t the case anymore. Everyone will know whether she likes it or not. Maybe then, she will see how deeply her brushing me off or downplaying my feelings over the years really affected me. I know it’s a dirty game but at this point, I don’t care about her feelings anymore because she did not care about my mine.
@Michelle, As I wrote in another comment it depends on whether you feel the need to express yourself or if you are hoping your mom will see the situation from your point of view. Based on what you’ve written your mom sounds unlikely to apologize. Sometimes we speak to family members because we need to express our hurt. The question is: will talking to her ease your pain or make it worse if she rejects your words?