The emails trickle into my inbox. “I want to quit my job to stay home with my kids,” one reads. “I want to be a stay-at-home mom so badly,” another begins.
Each email tells a unique story, and while the details are different, the resulting question is almost always the same. Should I become a stay-at-home mom or continue working outside the home?
I Want To Be a Stay At Home Mom
I’m not an expert on the stay-at-home mom versus working mom decision. I’m just a mom who shared my personal decision on the internet. Yet, ever since I wrote about my choice to become a stay-at-home parent, readers have emailed me for advice.
Yesterday, I received an email brimming with thoughts, worries, and excitement. It started like so many others I’ve read. “I have a good job, but I don’t enjoy the work. I want to be a stay-at-home mom.”
Three thousand words later, the email ended with one simple question: Do you think I should quit?
Deciding to Be a Stay At Home Mom
Deciding whether to stay at home or continue working is complicated. I struggled with this decision, as do many other talented and successful men and women who stumble across my blog. (Stay-at-home dads struggle with this decision just as much as stay-at-home moms do.)
Most of them turn to the internet in search of guidance. They reach out after reading one of these posts:
- Quitting My High-Paying Job: Walking Away From a High Paying Career
- Should I Quit My Job If It Makes Me Unhappy?
- Live Simply, Quit Your Job and Follow Your Dreams
- I Don’t Want a Career Anymore. What Should I Do Now?
Unfortunately, I can’t tell my readers what to do. The stay-at-home decision is one everyone must make for themselves, but hearing personal stories can help. When someone reaches out to me, I share details about my journey.
Not so long ago, I wrestled with the options and spent many sleepless nights figuring out what to do. Deciding to become a stay-at-home mom is complicated. I hope reading the details of my personal story will help you, because not so long ago, I wrestled with the question of becoming a SAHM too.
Becoming a Stay At Home Mom
I begin each response with my stay-at-home mom story.
Deciding to become a stay-at-home mom isn’t an easy choice. Before my son was born, my job was my life. I worked as a software engineer, and by all accounts, I was an overachiever who quickly climbed the ladder of success.
If life went according to plan, I might still be working, but instead, my career took an unexpected turn of events. In 2011, just two weeks after announcing my pregnancy, I was laid off. My entire team was cut, along with two hundred other employees in my department.
I landed a new job quickly and negotiated an eight-month delay to my start date! My twenty-six-week severance check would easily cover my bills until I returned to work.
Quitting Your Job to Be a Stay-At-Home Mom
My stay-at-home stint was supposed to be temporary, but after a few months, I had a change of heart. I wasn’t ready to restart my career and I wanted to be a stay at home mom. My husband and I hadn’t touched the severance money, so there wasn’t a pressing financial need to return.
I called my new boss to tell him the news. Then I collapsed into a ball of tears. It was one of the most gut-wrenching decisions I’ve ever made. Quitting my job to be a stay-at-home mom forever altered my life.
It’s been over nine years since I quit my job to become a stay-at-home mom. Here is what I wish someone would have told me before I quit.
Should I Become a Stay-At-Home Mom?
First things first, before giving up your job, it’s essential to consider what you are giving up. Some women love staying home with their kids, and some end up hating it. It may sound ideal to be a stay-at-home mom, but for some people, it can feel like a very lonely, sometimes dull existence.
One woman I met wanted to be a stay-at-home mom so badly that she stayed awake at night running numbers and sobbing over them. Some parents want to spend every moment with their children and cry after placing them in daycare.
These parents can’t bear to spend time away from their kids, and many feel significant mom guilt after going back to work.
Others just want a little more time than they have right now. If you fall into the second bucket, it’s time to start asking questions at work. Can you work from home, decrease your overall hours or work a more flexible schedule around your children’s routines?
Can You Modify Your Current Job to Make the Best of Both Worlds?
Two of my former coworkers created work-from-home arrangements that provided the best of both worlds. Their managers gave them extra leeway to work around their children’s schedules. As long as my coworkers completed their work on time, their bosses didn’t care when they performed the work.
If you trust your manager, have an open conversation and discuss your options. Are there ways to modify your job so you can also stay-at-home mom with your kids? Are there ways to make your position less stressful or more enjoyable? Can you switch positions or find methods to take on fewer stress-inducing tasks?
Write down a list of tasks you perform and review them with your boss. Which ones can you complete at night or early in the morning? Find out when you need to be available throughout the day and if you can diminish your time in the office.
You can also ask about decreasing the number of hours you work each week. Can you cut your workday from eight hours to six? Can you modify your schedule to work four days rather than five per week?
Don’t assume that you must choose between being a full-time, stay-at-home mom and a full-time working mom. Keep in mind, though, that even with the best of schedules, it can be challenging to balance family and work.
How to Be a Stay-At-Home Mom
Transitioning from a full time career to stay at home mom may involve a huge financial hit. So, if you can’t create a flexible work schedule or you’re sure you want to quit, it’s time to review your finances.
Find your most recent paystub and start looking over the figures. Factor in your salary and employer matches to your 401k, 403b, TSP, and health savings accounts.
How much do you currently pay for medical, dental, vision, and life insurance? If you switch to your partner’s benefits, how much will you need to contribute each month?
While running the numbers, make sure to calculate rising wages, bonuses, and stock grants. If you have money left over after paying for child care and other expenses, run further calculations to see how much those investments will be worth ten, twenty, or thirty years from now.
If you want to stay at home, don’t forget to account for how much your partner earns. Can their salary support your current lifestyle without any extra income? Can you test drive living off of one salary for an extended period?
Figure out how much you spend on work-related items if you don’t quit. Add up monthly figures for gas, clothes, and lunches. Then add in childcare costs.
When you finish calculating expenses, review these details with your partner. How much will you earn after deducting the costs associated with work? Some couples find that they aren’t giving up that much.
After running the numbers, keep a balanced view of the stay-at-home debate. Remember that money is one factor in the decision to stay at home, but it’s not the only one.
Will Money Become a Source of Stress?
If you want to be a stay-at-home mom, I urge you to look at your finances and see if you can quit without causing financial hardships.
There are two ways to spread your money. You can earn more or spend less. What can you cut back on, and how much can you save before you quit? The less you need to make to pay your bills, the easier it will be to leave work.
Weigh the benefits of working to build up your emergency fund and rainy day savings accounts. If you already have money in the bank, you may be able to make the leap.
If you don’t, now is the time to save up. Try to create a healthy buffer so money won’t become a source of stress after you quit. If money is tight you may feel really guilty after you step away from work.
How to Be a Stay-At-Home Mom: Keep Earning Money
Remember that leaving corporate America doesn’t mean you’ll never earn money again. Think about your current skills and ask yourself if there might be other ways to make money without a typical 9-to-5 job.
Can you find time to freelance, start a blog, sell items on eBay, or create an Etsy store? What else can you do to bring in a little extra money?
In an ideal world, you can test these techniques before quitting your job to become a stay at home mom. If you can trim expenses, you won’t need as much money to live on, but finding small ways to boost your income is equally helpful.
Don’t expect to spend hours working after your baby arrives or while he sleeps. You will be exhausted in those early months. Staying home with kids is time-intensive, and the first year is incredibly challenging.
Stay away from scams, lies, and MLMs on social media that promise to make you rich. Be wary of friends who try to entice you with tales of selling high-priced products. Companies prey on stay-at-home moms who are searching for ways to increase their income.
If money is tight it’s tough to be a stay-at-home mom. Search for legitimate forms of income to bridge the gap between what you spend and what you need to pay the bills.
What Are You Giving Up When You Quit Your Job?
Work has benefits outside of your bi-weekly paycheck. Do you enjoy spending time with your coworkers, working on long-term projects, or solving complex problems? Do you yearn to work in an environment where you consistently reach a flow state?
It’s not easy to achieve these same benefits after you quit. If you plan to stay at home with your kids, how will you engage with others, solve problems, or carve out time for deep thinking?
The life of a stay-at-home mom can feel incredibly lonely. If you decide to quit your job, make sure to ask your coworkers for their private emails. Every few months, I met my former business partner for pizza at a shop across from my old office building. She was happy to share a pizza while cooing over my kids.
I stayed in contact with other coworkers through email. We didn’t have work in common anymore, but we still had plenty to discuss. Becoming a stay-at-home parent can be lonely. Don’t cut former friends out of your life just because you leave the workforce.
Look for ways to get out of the house to meet friends and former coworkers. Then investigate ways to meet new people and forge new friendships.
Every stay-at-home mom needs a social network to prevent loneliness and sadness. You’ll also require a healthy dose of self-care to protect your mental health.
What Will You Miss About Work?
While I dreamed about becoming a stay-at-home mom, I knew deep down that I would miss work. I started babysitting when I was eleven and took on my first real job at fifteen.
For years I tied my self-worth to my net worth. I craved external validation and year-end reviews with bosses who praised my work. I enjoyed working on complex problems and teaching myself new skills too.
While I love my children with all my heart, they don’t provide the kudos I’d grown accustomed to receiving as an employee, and I began to feel guilty for giving up a steady paycheck.
I also missed stimulating conversations. Chats on the playground were often interrupted by children who were hungry, tired, or bored. It was tough for me to fill the air with chit-chat about my new life.
The Benefits of Giving Up Work to Be a Stay-At-Home Mom
Continuing to work has its benefits, but staying-at-home has some pretty nifty perks too. For one, I no longer felt squeezed by work-week time constraints. I didn’t need to fit a laundry list of activities and chores into a few short hours at night or on the weekends. I could go to the grocery store in the middle of the day.
When my kids got sick, I didn’t worry about taking time off to help them feel better, and when snow days and COVID closed schools, I didn’t miss a beat.
I don’t have to worry about doctor’s appointments or dentist appointments, and sporting events, soccer practice, and other activities can occur on any night of the week.
While I need to get my children to school in the morning, I don’t have the extra stress of getting to work on time. And when the day is over, I don’t feel the added pressure of driving home, figuring out what to cook, and preparing dinner too.
My stress level dropped immensely after choosing to be a stay-at-home parent.
You Only Get One Chance
When I was in my mid-twenties, I suffered from a severe medical condition that nearly killed me. I know that life is short and that I shouldn’t take a single day for granted.
Some women love their jobs and feel a passion for what they do, but I knew deep down that I would regret spending those early years sitting in a cubicle.
I will be forever grateful for the time I’ve had with my children. It was hard to give up my job, but I enjoyed nursing, rocking, singing, playing, and witnessing my children grow into the unique humans they are today. During non-COVID times, I enjoy spending time in my children’s classrooms and volunteering at school too.
My Decision to Be a Stay-At-Home Mom
I understand the hesitation to quit your job to become a stay-at-home mom. Under different circumstances, I’m not sure if I would’ve left corporate America to stay-at-home with my firstborn. Honestly, it would’ve been challenging to walk away from my twelve-year career.
When the HR representative handed me my severance package nine years ago, I failed to hold back my tears. At that moment, I wondered what I would do and where I would go next, but I never imagined quitting my career.
Yet, here I am nine years later. I want to be a stay at home mom and I’m living my best life.
Will I Regret Quitting My Job to Be a Stay-At-Home Mom?
I am grateful for a lifetime of saving for rainy days, a husband who continues to support our needs, and children who have brought more joy to my life than I have ever known.
I wanted to nurse my babies, snuggle them at nap time, comfort them, sing to them, take them on adventures and waste away the hours playing and reading books. When they called, I wanted to be the one to answer, and when they cried, I wanted to comfort them. Over the last nine years, I’ve gotten to do all of that and so much more.
I can say, without a doubt, that I do not regret my decision to become a stay-at-home mom. Will I regret quitting my job to be a stay-at-home mom one day? It’s been ten years since I left my career, and honestly, I can’t imagine I ever will.
How to Be a Stay-At-Home Mom: Don’t Lose Sight of Yourself
There is nothing wrong with becoming a stay-at-home mom or choosing to remain a working parent. We each have different needs, dreams, and desires. In fact, although I love my children and my stay-at-home decision, I have often felt lost, dazed, and confused since leaving work.
It took me years to figure out why. I didn’t want to return to my prior career, but I did yearn to pursue passions outside of parenting. Many stay-at-home moms have told me similar stories. While they loved their children, they wanted to carve out time for themselves.
Over the years, this blog has become my outlet—a place to share my story with those who may need to read it. It also made me a millionaire, but not in the ways you might imagine. When my children are grown, I hope that they will read it too.
After coming home from the hospital, it’s easy to wrap your whole life around your little one. If you plan to quit your job to become a stay-at-home parent, I urge you to continue to carve out time for your passions.
No matter what you decide, please don’t lose sight of yourself. All moms need to hold on to pieces of their pre-parenting identity.
Do You Want to Be a Stay At Home Parent or Have You Decided to Be a Working Parent?
For further thoughts on becoming a stay-at-home parent you may like: How to Become a Stay At Home Parent. It’s a how to guide to help you prepare financially and emotionally for the transition.
If you have thoughts or questions about this topic, please leave a comment below. I’d love to hear your stories.
To outside folks, I glibly say we don’t have a choice, we both have to work but that’s the snappy answer. We choose not to make the big changes we would have to make in order for one of us to stay home. We don’t want to move, nor could we if we wanted to keep the job with all the necessary benefits even though we have both been able to work entirely remotely due to the pandemic. I think it’s safer to assume that PiC’s work will expect them to return to work in person eventually. If we stay here, and we do like it here a lot, then we need the income from both jobs if we want to maintain our standard of living and our standard of saving. Both are important to me. I do want to stop working for more time sooner than later and that requires aggressive saving. But I don’t specifically want to be a stay at home mom. Parenthood just intensified my desire to leave the workforce as soon as possible despite having the ideal work set up. I’m tired and I want to be less tired.
My thoughts have definitely evolved over time. I didn’t expect to become a stay-at-home mom and I’ve struggled throughout the years with the title. I want to be many things, hanging out with my kids is fun, but I want to use my grey matter for other purposes as well. Reading your post made me realize how burned out I would probably feel if I had continued working. After being out of the workforce for awhile I have a strange yearning to return to the working world. I know I wouldn’t feel that way if I had continued for the last 10 years. I felt tired when I exited at 34 and I can imagine how much more intense that feeling would be all these years later. But taking a break provides a renewed spark I wasn’t prepared for. I hope that you can find the space to rest.
My wife made a decision to be a stay at home parent when our second was 1 after being a working mom the whole time. Ultimately her work came back and hired her as a part time freelance consultant. She works a about 10 hours a week from home on business and rest of time works as a mom. Won’t work for everyone, but something to consider is that it may not need to be all or nothing.
Thank you for your comment. I think a part time solution can create the best of both worlds. Hopefully, when your children are older she can ramp up her time or stay in a part time position if she chooses. It helps to keep a foot in the door.
Another point is that in the US, being a stay-at-home parent does not accrue retirement credits for social security. So it’s really important to save more for retirement because of a lower social security benefit.
Thank you for leaving this comment. There are many financial issues to consider and social security is definitely one of them. A working spouse can save in the non-working spouse’s IRA, but you are right that social security will not accrue. It’s one of many long term impacts to this decision.
I appreciate giving both ends of the spectrum about the decision to be a SAHM.
It is interesting insight, even though it doesn’t apply to my situation. Never know when a friend will need some handy advice.
Thank you.
I continued my career and retired early instead of staying home with my kids. I don’t like to admit it, but I’m not all that maternal, and by the end of my maternity leave I couldn’t wait to get back to my office. I’m enjoying my early retirement so much that I wonder sometimes if I should have stayed home. Probably not. At the time I really needed the challenge my job provided.
I don’t regret staying home, but I did miss the challenge of work. Now that the kids are getting older I have space in my brain to create my own challenges 😉
Yes! I totally agree with this. It is very much a matter of personal choice, and certainly not an either / or situation. But if you DO want to be a full-time at-home mom, it can absolutely be done!
This is exactly how I started my frugal journey. I had a strong desire to stay home with my kids, so (even though I actually made more than my husband) I quit my job and adopted a frugal lifestyle, and found that it absolutely allowed me to stay home. My kids are grown and gone now and I love frugality so much, I continue to live this way. I love your webpage!! Frugal gals (young and old) unite!
Thank you for your comment and your kind words. I’m glad that you were able to alter your budget and lifestyle to make stay-at-home parenting an option for you. Some parents want to work and some want to stay home, but it’s great if you want to stay home and can figure out how to make it happen!
Wow! What an inspiring testimony this is to me Victoria. I too want to be a stay at home mom and have decided to make that a reality soon. We are carefully planning our finances because it really is my dream to be able to stay home with my kids. Thank you for sharing this.
I wish you the best of luck Shirley! If you have any specific financial questions let me know.
Came across your blog because we are in the process of buying a house in Duck NC! I longed to be a SAHM when my kids were born, cried so hard for days when ML was up but it just wasn’t an option for us since I made significantly more than my husband, But because I soldiered on we’re in the position to be able to afford to buy a beach house as an investment property AND I will retire in 4 more years at 55! My husband will be right behind me at 60 (he’s 3 yrs older than me). So I’d say everything is working out just fine! Thank you for your blog! I’m a fan.
Wow. Your post really hit home for me. I’m thinking of being a SAHM, but I would love to still continue my work. Hopefully I’ll be allowed to continue working for my client even for a few hours a week at home. Thanks for this!
I’m glad you found it useful. Best of luck!