Earlier this week, I wrote a post called Do Women Still Want to Marry for Money? Many women weighed in on the topic. Some suggested that men prefer to be the primary provider for their families.
Men Are Providers
Men are providers, but do they want to be? While it’s true that many men make more money than their wives, I wonder how many of them prefer it that way. For a few years, just before my husband and I were married, I made more than he did.
It wasn’t a significant difference. Overall I brought in about 20% more per paycheck. During this time, my husband jokingly called me his sugar-momma. Honestly, I think he was proud that I could contribute financially to our future goals. My larger paycheck never caused an issue for either of us.
Being a Provider for Your Family
When we first talked about having children (we don’t have any yet), my husband said he’d like to spend some time at home with our kids. He said many of his male friends and coworkers would accept the position if they had the opportunity.
I’m fascinated by this topic because, as a woman in an exceedingly male-dominated industry (software development). I meet many miserable husbands and fathers who would rather be anywhere than working 9-to-5 in a cubicle.
When I talk to them about money, they often say they wish their wives worked and made more. Many men I know are shocked when their children go off to school, and their wives want to continue to stay at home. The men I know are bothered by the outcome of their lives.
Main Provider For Your Family
71% of adults still believe a man won’t make a good partner unless he supports his family financially. Only 32% feel it is essential for a wife to fulfill the same role.
I’d love to hear men weigh in on this topic. Do you want to be the primary financial provider for your family, or were you pressured into the role? Do you enjoy being the main provider of your family or feel burdened by that task?
If you feel forced into this position, do you think society or your upbringing pressured you? Do you believe a man should be the main provider for his family? Do you feel burdened by this idea?
Should the Man be the Provider?
In other words, do you think you make more money because you believe that men should make a lot of money and provide for their families? Of course, there is no right or wrong answer. But I wonder, regardless of your situation, are you happy in the role that you play in it?
I received an email the other day from a man who asked, “If the man is the provider, what is the woman?” We could also ask the question in reverse, “If the woman is the provider, what is the man?”
Both questions are ridiculous. Men and women provide value beyond their ability to earn money, but unfortunately, society doesn’t always recognize that. Also, men are providers, but it’s clear from the men I’ve spoken to that they don’t always like that.
Well, I feel men enjoy the attention they get for being the sole earner in the family. Many men enjoy the feeling that they are the primary financial support to their family and, the importance they get. In case a man earns less than his spouse and it does not hurt his ego, then it is okay!
Well females have to be the main provider of a uterus when pregnant an we also are biologically different then men considering we have twice as many pain receptors as men. Females also get overwhelmed more because our vision is different than men also and we have lots of estrogen that makes us tired and period cramps. Apparently woman are genetically created for child rearing and men are genetically created for work. So yes these mother fuckers need to be the main provider. Ladies stop producing with shit pieces that do not want to work.
One commenter said he feels that his wife views "her time raising our child as far superior to my time (which I have to sacrifice to work this job) raising our child."
Your wife is sacrificing, too. When she wants to get back into the workplace she may face an uphill battle due to the time she spent out of it. (This, in turn, will affect her retirement.)
Raising children is an important job, but many days it is a thankless one as well. You wrote that you get home as late as 8 p.m. Her workday is never really over: If Junior hits another growth spurt and starts waking up for a bottle (or the breast) at 3 a.m. again after sleeping through the night for a while, she's back on the clock. Ditto the high fever at midnight (it always seems to happen late) or, later, the "I forgot — I'm supposed to bring cupcakes tomorrow" at 9 p.m.
Yes, dads sometimes take care of such things. (Except maybe the breastfeeding.) But moms still tend to absorb more of these things, especially SAHMs — in part because their partners have "worked all day" and need a break.
The corporate world is tough. I'm not discounting that at all. But if you're home with a small child your day begins whenever s/he wakes up and ends when you crash for the night. In between the hands-on dealings with the child you're expected to do the housework, shopping, the scheduling and keeping of appointments (doctor, dentist, play date), and any other errands such as getting the oil changed or picking up hubby's dry cleaning — because, after all, what else do you have to do?
(I expect a whole lot of SAHMs and SAHDs are mighty sick of the phrase, "You're home all day anyway.")
If you want some down time you might be able to get it during naptime or while the child is engrossed in play that doesn't involve you — but these breaks are liable to be interrupted at any moment, and we're talking blocks of time ranging from 20 minutes to maybe two hours, tops (and fewer of the latter as the kids get older and don't nap as long).
Oh, and don't forget the extra attention that your spouse wants when he gets home, tired from a long day. S/he wants Junior "scrubbed and tubbed, and adequately fed" (as the song goes) so s/he can have quality time before the child goes to sleep. Oh, and something to eat, too, please. Meanwhile, you've been on call for 12 to 15 hours nonstop and would love a little quality time, too — time for yourself. But you're not going to get it because this is your only chance to be with your spouse. So while s/he is "unwinding," you're either getting some dinner ready or mentally figuring out the rest of your day: "It's 8 p.m. and Junior goes to bed at 9. So if we eat and put the dishes in the dishwasher we'll have two or three hours together and I *might* be able to get seven hours of sleep if we're in bed by midnight."
I have one myself (now grown). But people who think that at-home parents aren't sacrificing both in the short and long terms are fooling themselves.
And to that anonymous commenter: Is there a chance that the two of you could talk this over in a non-accusatory way? Maybe talk about the value of having someone there for your son but also discussing the fact that providing for the child also means being financially prepared and you're concerned that one salary isn't enough. Incidentally, I agree with this viewpoint: In these nervous financial times, it's not smart to put all your eggs in one basket. Getting your wife back to work part-time would be some insurance against that, as long as her salary amounted to more than the child care expenses.
One commenter said he feels that his wife views "her time raising our child as far superior to my time (which I have to sacrifice to work this job) raising our child."
Your wife is sacrificing, too. When she wants to get back into the workplace she may face an uphill battle due to the time she spent out of it. (This, in turn, will affect her retirement.)
Raising children is an important job, but many days it is a thankless one as well. You wrote that you get home as late as 8 p.m. Her workday is never really over: If Junior hits another growth spurt and starts waking up for a bottle (or the breast) at 3 a.m. again after sleeping through the night for a while, she's back on the clock. Ditto the high fever at midnight (it always seems to happen late) or, later, the "I forgot — I'm supposed to bring cupcakes tomorrow" at 9 p.m.
Yes, dads sometimes take care of such things. (Except maybe the breastfeeding.) But moms still tend to absorb more of these things, especially SAHMs — in part because their partners have "worked all day" and need a break.
The corporate world is tough. I'm not discounting that at all. But if you're home with a small child your day begins whenever s/he wakes up and ends when you crash for the night. In between the hands-on dealings with the child you're expected to do the housework, shopping, the scheduling and keeping of appointments (doctor, dentist, play date), and any other errands such as getting the oil changed or picking up hubby's dry cleaning — because, after all, what else do you have to do?
(I expect a whole lot of SAHMs and SAHDs are mighty sick of the phrase, "You're home all day anyway.")
If you want some down time you might be able to get it during naptime or while the child is engrossed in play that doesn't involve you — but these breaks are liable to be interrupted at any moment, and we're talking blocks of time ranging from 20 minutes to maybe two hours, tops (and fewer of the latter as the kids get older and don't nap as long).
Oh, and don't forget the extra attention that your spouse wants when he gets home, tired from a long day. S/he wants Junior "scrubbed and tubbed, and adequately fed" (as the song goes) so s/he can have quality time before the child goes to sleep. Meanwhile, you've been on call for 12 to 15 hours nonstop and would love a little quality time, too — time for yourself. But this is your only chance to have time with your spouse. So you're getting some dinner ready and thinking, "It's 8 p.m. and Junior goes to bed at 9. So if we eat and put the dishes in the dishwasher we'll have two or three hours together and I *might* be able to get seven hours of sleep if we're in bed by midnight."
People who think that at-home parents aren't sacrificing both in the short and long terms are fooling themselves.
I'm a guy recently settled down. I'd love to be a stay at home Dad. Frankly I'm not sure why I would want to have a child I never saw? I don't want a day care centre to raise my kids. Personally I'd rather be at home with my child than living in cubical world. I earn more money but my partner LOVES her job I'm just doing it for the dollars. For me it makes more sense for her to work and me to stay at home and do some consultancy work.
The only issue is I can't breast feed 🙁
I would say though that there is a lot of pressure on men to provide and earn more than their partner. Even in todays world.
At the moment there's a lot of discussion on this point in Australia because we just got our first Female Prime Minister (our "president" for USA readers) she's unmarried, has no kids and her partner is a male hairdresser. Talk about burning gender sterotypes:)
The comment “a wife that pulls her own weight makes me feel very bad. I have worked before I was married. Another female by the way. And odd jobs since the children were born but I don’t know the pressures of being the sole provider. I grew up with traditional gender roles and have been quite resentful that I wasn’t allowed to work actually. Recently I understand that I have the freedom to do what I choose being an adult. It makes me sad to feel my years of staying home has somehow been a waste and that I am a burden on my husband. It is very humbling to have to depend on him and not get the respect that working moms get. However I will start by giving myself some respect! I am a domestic worker and get paid to take care of my disabled child. My husband has said that he will take over her care when he retires. This is hard for me but perhaps it is my chance to work. I feel like I am not being a good mom if I leave my daughter. Mommy guilt / caregiver guilt! But I see my husband has resented being our sole provider which is sad we didn’t discuss this honestly before!
Thanks for your comment. I appreciate your honesty. I think open communication is the key to a marriage and to decisions like this one. My husband and I routinely revisit our household roles and our decision to stay home with my son. I think it is important to discuss resentment and/or any other ill feelings as much as possible along the way. I think the hard part comes when so many years have passed without talking about it with one another. By talking about it you also open up the possibilities for change. After all, a decision I make now may not be the one that makes sense five years from now and along the way I may have as much of a change of heart as my husband.
if your husband make you feel like a burden any shape way or form, do not blame yourself, blame your husband for being a pussy.
“my husband remarked that he’d like to spend some time at home with our kids. He said it’s not fair for women to assume they should be the ones to stay at home and raise the children.”
statement like this is complete BS, and garbage like this being taught in our society is why women are confused, and most man are completely pussy, I know plenty of man that makes way more than enough to be a sole provider, yet, they still force their wife to join the slavery work force with them.
why did i say your husbands statement is complete BS? first of all, the child is in your stomach for 9 month, how is a man going to compete with that? also, does your husbands man boob produce any breast milk?
people like you are just fucking stupid, and got brain wahsed by mass media to believe in this man and women are EXACTLY the same bullshit.
I am a guy. My former feminist fiancée dumped me because she was an associate professor, while my tenure prospects were low. That’s the long and short of it.
That’s fascinating how people stick to their views only while it’s convenient for them. Not your fault at all. But it’s time to meet someone whom you’d like who doesn’t behave that way.
I’ve never liked these views and I find it terrible for a human being to stick into one role he or she cannot choose. And it’s even more terrible when someone has actually an option “to work or not to work” and someone hasn’t just because of gender. As well as seeing you valuable just because you exist fir one gender and only if you’re useful for another. So in my 27 I’d never really stick into that kind of relationships – I don’t want being used as a mean to support someone’ s other lifestyle