Earlier this week, I wrote a post called Do Women Still Want to Marry for Money? Many women weighed in on the topic. Some suggested that men prefer to be the primary provider for their families.
Men Are Providers
Men are providers, but do they want to be? While it’s true that many men make more money than their wives, I wonder how many of them prefer it that way. For a few years, just before my husband and I were married, I made more than he did.
It wasn’t a significant difference. Overall I brought in about 20% more per paycheck. During this time, my husband jokingly called me his sugar-momma. Honestly, I think he was proud that I could contribute financially to our future goals. My larger paycheck never caused an issue for either of us.
Being a Provider for Your Family
When we first talked about having children (we don’t have any yet), my husband said he’d like to spend some time at home with our kids. He said many of his male friends and coworkers would accept the position if they had the opportunity.
I’m fascinated by this topic because, as a woman in an exceedingly male-dominated industry (software development). I meet many miserable husbands and fathers who would rather be anywhere than working 9-to-5 in a cubicle.
When I talk to them about money, they often say they wish their wives worked and made more. Many men I know are shocked when their children go off to school, and their wives want to continue to stay at home. The men I know are bothered by the outcome of their lives.
Main Provider For Your Family
71% of adults still believe a man won’t make a good partner unless he supports his family financially. Only 32% feel it is essential for a wife to fulfill the same role.
I’d love to hear men weigh in on this topic. Do you want to be the primary financial provider for your family, or were you pressured into the role? Do you enjoy being the main provider of your family or feel burdened by that task?
If you feel forced into this position, do you think society or your upbringing pressured you? Do you believe a man should be the main provider for his family? Do you feel burdened by this idea?
Should the Man be the Provider?
In other words, do you think you make more money because you believe that men should make a lot of money and provide for their families? Of course, there is no right or wrong answer. But I wonder, regardless of your situation, are you happy in the role that you play in it?
I received an email the other day from a man who asked, “If the man is the provider, what is the woman?” We could also ask the question in reverse, “If the woman is the provider, what is the man?”
Both questions are ridiculous. Men and women provide value beyond their ability to earn money, but unfortunately, society doesn’t always recognize that. Also, men are providers, but it’s clear from the men I’ve spoken to that they don’t always like that.
I think it's a mixed bag.
Problems at work stop when you leave the office unless you make a choice to take them home with you.
When you have problems at home you can't make a choice to turn them off at night when you watch TV or read a book.
On one hand I imagine that some stay-at-home moms would gladly trade the problems they face raising the kids with the drudgery of an office-job.
On the other hand I don't know if the stay-at-home moms understand the stress associated with being the single bread winner for the family. While the moms deal with making sure little Timmy is socially accepted the dads deal with making sure they don't get laid off. That's not a trivial task in today's economy.
Overall I think success resides at the intersection of respect and open communication between each spouse. If both spouses respect each other and both spouses talk about their roles and contributions I think it can work.
Where the proverbial train goes off the tracks is when one spouse takes the other's contributions for granted … especially when those contributions are not immediately apparent.
As a general statement we should all (as couples) work towards being more open and understanding of each other's contributions to the relationship.
First off I am not a guy, and have been a SAHM for the last 4 yrs at that – so while I'm sure those facts will color my response somewhat I do want to say that when our 1st child was born 8 yrs ago my husband WANTED me to leave my job. I did not; I had worked out a lovely part time arrangement with my company. I worked in the financial field and have always taken the lead role in financial stuff w/in our family; I think while my husband did not like the idea of leaving our son w/ a childcare provider he also did not understand the role my (albeit smaller than his, esp when PT) income added to our choices.
Anyway, the PT situation worked great for several yrs, until the company did some re-org-ing and I was given the choice of returning to FT or training my full time replacement. I was pregnant w/ #2, my husband's hours and traveling had increased, so I did not feel my working FT was an option for us at that time. (Add to these factors my husband's umm, traditional views on helping around the house….) One point of consideration that I don't think has been brought up in these discussions so far is the marginal rate of benefit on the second income when there are young kids involved – good daycare is EXPENSIVE! (Add this to increased tax rate, transportation costs on a long commute, increased dining and clothing exp's). If one is not earning a high $/hr (as I found w/ the rare and highly sought PT accounting jobs I've applied for over the past few yrs) it may not make financial sense for there to be a second income in certain seasons of life.
However I certainly can understand Anon (above me)'s point on the stress of being the sole breadwinner in layoff prone times – while I certainly know what it is like to work a demanding job, I never did it is sole provider. I think in general people often wish for what they don't have (w/o truly understanding it) – whether that person is a working parent who might rather stay home (but doesn't necessarily understand the day to day workload and isolation, as well as the financial sacrifices involved). Again, as stated above, communication and respect can go a long way!
Just to start off, I'm a woman. But I figured I'd weigh in here. My boyfriend and I talk about marriage every once in a while. And sometimes he'll suggest he'll be the stay at home dad. Not sure about lots of things, but I know one thing I'd have to consider is who is making more money at the time. Right now, my boyfriend is unemployed, but prior to getting laid off, he was pulling in at least $20k/per year more than me. So at that point, it seemed as if I would be the better one to stay home, since I was making less. At the same time, I really like my current job, and am assuming I'd stick with it as long as possible. So I don't know if I'd want to leave. Still, I have a feeling that I wouldn't want to leave my child at home (with the future husband)…I'd want to be with my baby!
Of course, if I don't ever have kids, then I'll definitely stick to working. I wouldn't want to make my husband support me, unless there was a really good reason, like going to grad school or something like that.
Again, not a man, but I think men are still expected to be the primary, but no longer the sole, financial provider for a family. That said, I think our society sells women a bill of goods that we're supposed to want to work outside the home but also do all that our mothers and grandmothers did in the home and with the kids, and criticizes moms for putting their kids in daycare. Let's recognize the reality – we can't really have it all!
I also agree with Anonymous #2's point about recognizing the cost of daycare in consideration of a salary. I worked FT with both the Oldest and the Middle Child because I carried all the family's benefits, while the jobs Hubby had did not offer them or did at an exhorbitant cost. Despite that, whenever there was a sick child, Hubby expected me to call in. When we had the Baby, I saw an out from working under a Bully Boss, and found a PT job. Hubby was already working second shift, so working mornings meant no daycare.
I will say the most agita over the situation has not been the loss of income, but Hubby's impression that it's a loss of income, and his being ticked off that the family's security is now on his shoulders. The kids on the other hand are happy to have me home in the afternoons, and the loss of income is negated by the lack of daycare costs.
I guess I'll pipe in. I'm a man who works a job that pays twice what my wife works. The downside of the job is that I rarely get home before 8, and frequently have to work nights and weekends. One of my biggest dreams in life is to retire early and never have to be forced into the corporate ratrace again.
When we first got married, we never discussed the issue, and I guess in my head I assumed we would do daycare since that's what I believed most women did in our area.
When my wife became pregnant, she started really pushing to either quit her job or take a long maternity leave. After a lot of arguing between us, we agreed she would take 5 months off. Once we had our son, we started arguing again, and in a bid to try to placate her, I agreed that she should take a year off and then go back to work again. Now, she has started to argue that she should come back to work part time after the year is up.
To be honest, it is very upsetting to me, because I'm stuck in a job I hate and never get to see my child, and I feel like she is viewing her time raising our child as far superior to my time (which I have to sacrifice to work this job) raising our child. Also it is upsetting because I feel I can never keep my wife happy: every time we agree to something she doesn't stick with the agreement.
Just my personal experiences. I know I would be viewed with contempt by people in my father's generation, who would like nothing better than to be the breadwinner and sacrifice time spent with family to make a good living, but that's always been one thing I always didn't like about my dad. I want to be around in my child's life.
Again, not a guy (looks like most of the comments here are female), but this is something DH and I discuss a lot. Right now his job is commission only, and he has brought in about $7k this year. That's actually worse than if he was just working a min-wage job. It kills him that I am the one bringing in most of the money. He has been getting really depressed about it lately, and apologizes all the time for it. IT does not matter to me at all, but its a HUGE issue for him.
Hopefully in a couple of years, things will turn around for him. We are planning on me going part time when we have a kid, but since I carry the benefits & bring in 90% of the income, we definitely cant afford for that to happen now.
I'm a guy. Not married @ 45.
One reason is that I do not want to get locked into a life of work as a the only (main) source of income for a wife and child(ren). I will be able to retire by 50; why would I want to give that up to support a family? Why is it expected that I should desire that?
I enjoy my friends and dates without the stress of people being dependent on me.
I do admit that it is possible that I would change my outlook. I could meet someone, fall deeply in love, & I do a behavioral 180 on this. I have the means to support a family; but, what is the point of making myself little more than a cash-cog for supporting other people's lifestyles?
Partnership or more-or-less equal contributions to a marriage is fine. Me being the sole breadwinner is not something I want nor something I find attractive in another person.
Old prejudice is still in the back of our heads… "Men should provide for their wives."
However, irrational prejudice should not be a basis for anyones opinion.
So my opinion is clearly no. I do not want to live a life where I am the primary financial provider in my familiy.
I would take much more pride in having a wife that pulls her own weight.
The mails you have gotten from women who says that men wants to be the primary financial provider are either blind for others true needs, or they are overgeneralizing or they are simply living in a bubble of wishfull thinking.
I guess I'll weigh in as well.
These questions depend on each situation and of course they're all different. My husband and I have been together since college and we've both worked since then sometimes with me earning more and sometimes him. I was laid off at the end of last year (I knew it was coming) and my husband and I had made the decision that I would stay home and be a housewife – at least as long as it was feasible. But then I've never really liked working even when I was an 'executive' and there's tons for me to do around the house/garden/animals to occupy my time.
That was all well and good but then we got a call in December saying that a birthmother had picked us and that we would be adopting a child in March. I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom and not have strangers raising my child (I was a preschool teacher many years ago and we saw those kids more than their parents did).
I love being home with my son. I know that it puts a huge amount of pressure on my husband to provide for us and it means he may have to take a job that he's not in love with in order to keep us in formula and diapers but we're both much happier having having me at home raising our son. It also means we don't travel like we used to, have a harder time putting away money into savings and have to live more frugally – but neither of us would change a thing.
Thank you for all of the in-depth comments. I know this can be a very personal subject.
Personally, I don't want my husband to be the sole financial provider, but I do believe he'll become the primary financial provider for our family as our lives unfold.
I hope to have a child one day and when that day comes I would like to work fewer, more flexible hours. In my line of work, (software development), this is definitely a possibility. In fact, my hope is that my husband and I could save up a significant amount of money between now and that time so that he could also cut back on his workload.
We wouldn't be able to do this indefinitely, but I do think we could manage it for awhile. My goal is to spare both of us from long hours at the office. I certainly don't want my husband to feel stuck in a situation like commenter 'Jake' and many other men I work with do.
The worst thing is feeling like you're spouse doesn't understand or sympathize with your point of view. The men I talk with, (who sound a lot like 'Jake'), often say they just don't think their wives realize how much of their life is sacrificed for their family. They feel like the decision not to work isn't an option for them and given that fact some of them don't understand why it should be an option for their spouses.
I think the best thing any couple can do is talk about these issues before they get married and definitely before they have a child together.
Things may change along the way, but keeping open lines of communication will certainly allow both parties, (the husband and wife), to feel they have more say in these types of decisions.
I don't know what our future will actually bring, but I definitely hope we continue to think about one another as we make financial and job related decisions.