Yesterday I opened my inbox and found an email with the subject line “Selfish Husband” waiting for me. “My husband is selfish, selfish, selfish,” the email began. “He says, his money is his.”
All My Husband Cares About is Money
“I just read your post about family financial meetings,” it continued. “Your family meeting sounds like a great solution for considerate couples, but it won’t work for me. My husband is selfish with his money! All my husband cares about is money! He only cares about himself and his own financial needs. My husband spends money on himself, but not on me.”
Imagine a husband who buys whatever he wants whenever he wants. He doesn’t consult his wife and puts his wants above the rest of the family. No matter how often you argue with your husband, he doesn’t change his ways. Eventually, you decide all your husband cares about is money. He puts his money above all other things.
After ten years of fighting about money, this woman was at her wit’s end. She was mad, agitated, and downright pissed off at her selfish husband.
My Husband Says His Money Is His
Does your husband say his money is his, or it’s his money, so you don’t have a say in how he spends it? Some husbands don’t share their money. They make their wives ask for it. Beg for it, really.
These men care more about money than their wives or families. They often spend money on expensive purchases without telling their partners. Sometimes they spend too much on hobbies and self-interests and keep buying things they can’t afford.
In full disclosure, I’ve never thought of my husband as selfish. We began hosting family financial meetings in 2006, and I’ve never felt enraged by his financial choices or purchases. As far as I know, he’s never felt ill will towards my financial decisions either.
A Financially Selfish Husband
For a moment or two, I wasn’t sure how to respond. Did I have any advice to share? I wasn’t too sure. Then I remembered a similar conversation I once had with a former male coworker. I’ll call him D.
D loved to spend money on new technology, and he happily plunked down money for video games, new iPhones, and upgrades to old equipment.
“My wife tells me I’m selfish,” he told me, “but I don’t think I’m selfish at all.”
“These things don’t break our budget, but she says I’m a selfish husband for buying them. It causes a fight every time it comes up, and I’m tired of her nagging me to stop buying things I enjoy.”
After a while, my coworker and his wife became locked in a repeated cycle of arguments. D wanted to spend money on his hobbies. His wife said he was selfish for spending money on technology. They got into fights whenever he brought a new device home.
A Selfish Husband Buys Himself Expensive Things
One day I asked D if his partner ever got upset about his other purchases.
“No,” he told me. “She only gets mad when I buy phones, computers, and other gadgets. She says they are too expensive, and I buy too many expensive things.”
“Are you sure?” I asked. “What if you bought something else?”
“Like what,” he asked.
Honestly, I wasn’t sure. I noticed that D only seemed to fight with his wife about technology. Would she feel angry if he paid for an expensive trip or spent money on pricey home renovations? Was D’s wife angry about what he bought, or was she mad because he didn’t consult her first?
D wasn’t sure, so he went home to ask.
A Selfish Husband Spends Money on Himself
“Your gadgets are selfish because you are the only one who uses them,” D’s wife told him. “If you spent money on vacations and home renovations, it would benefit the whole family. ”
D’s wife paid the bills. She wrote checks and swiped her credit card for the children’s clothing, sports activities, and utilities. Month after month, she watched the money leak from their checking account.
After paying the bills, D’s wife couldn’t bear to spend any remaining money on herself. She was angry that D didn’t feel guilty about spending money as she did. She felt like her husband could spend all their money and not feel bad about it.
A Selfish Husband Doesn’t Share His Money
D’s wife condemned his selfish behaviors and begged him to share money on the whole family. She made her needs secondary, and she wanted D to do the same.
D argued that they had plenty of money for both of them to spend the way they saw fit. He urged his wife to spend money without feeling guilty about it.
“I’m not like her friend’s husband,” D said after they talked. “I know she thinks I’m like him. She sees me as a husband who makes all the money and is unwilling to share it, but I’m not,” D said with a sigh.
Does your husband spend money on himself while ignoring your needs? Does it seem like your husband couldn’t care less about anyone other than himself?
A Selfish Husband Spends Too Much on Hobbies
Why were my coworker and his wife fighting? His wife thought he was spending too much money on his hobbies. Did he need to buy expensive new gadgets so often? She didn’t think so.
Clearly, she was angry that he was spending too much on hobbies, but was there a deeper issue going on?
As a long-time coworker and quasi-money mentor, I pushed D to dig deeper into his financial fights. Why did he keep arguing about money with his wife?
One day I asked D to describe his relationship with money. He told me he came from an affluent family where money was never an issue or a concern. His wife grew up in a family that constantly struggled to pay the bills.
Could this be part of the problem? D and his wife approached money from two different sides of the same coin. She wanted to save their money, while D wanted to splurge from time to time.
“My gadgets aren’t breaking the family budget,” D told me. His wife disagreed. She called him a selfish husband every time the topic came up. Time after time she said he spent too much.
Was he a selfish and inconsiderate husband?
This situation was so familiar to me. My husband also comes from an affluent family, but I do not. I need a lot of money to feel safe and secure. I suffer from a scarcity mindset.
D’s partner was afraid they would run out of money. I recognize that fear. I can spend money on my children, husband, and house, but I rarely spend money on myself. It’s a problem that has plagued me for most of my life.
What happens when one partner wants to spend money, and the other wants to tuck it away for safekeeping? The saver feels troubled watching money walk out the window. The spender feels frustrated and trapped.
A Selfish Husband Spends Money Without Consulting You
I talked to D in-depth about my financial frustrations. I told him how it’s hard to watch my husband spend money without fear or stress and how much I worried he would spend money without telling me. In a healthy relationship, partners shouldn’t spend money without consulting one another.
D wanted to talk openly and honestly to his wife. He gathered their financial information and hosted a family financial meeting of his own. He documented the family’s net worth, bank account balances, and monthly bills.
Then he created a spreadsheet listing his technical gear and expenses. He wanted to prove that his purchases didn’t impact their budget.
But an interesting thing happened along the way. D’s expenses turned out to be more than he imagined. Suddenly D understood why his wife was calling him a selfish husband. He was spending too much money on his hobbies.
D’s spending was impacting the family budget. It wasn’t a significant impact, but it was larger than he imagined.
A Selfish Husband Keeps Spending Money
D and his wife sat down to discuss his findings and develop a way to move forward.
He talked to his wife about the emotional impacts of spending and saving. While he understood his wife’s fear of spending, he did not feel the same way. In his opinion, this didn’t make him a selfish husband. He simply wanted to enjoy the money he earned.
As a reasonable man, D realized that he could spend money with a plan. So he approached his wife and explained that he needed more fun money in his life. My husband has often said the same thing to me.
D didn’t want to stop spending on things he loved just because he was a married father. He created line items in the budget for fun money—a fund for himself, his wife, and one for things they would both enjoy.
A Selfish Husband Doesn’t Share His Money With You
Will your husband share his money with you? A selfish husband doesn’t share his money with his wife.
Sometimes husbands don’t share financial information because they don’t know the details. Is that the case, or is your husband purposefully hiding financial information from you.
The best way to start a conversation about money is to gather the facts. Look at your income and expenses and determine how much money your spouse is spending on items that don’t benefit the two of you.
Search through the credit card expenses and ATM withdrawals to figure out where your money is going.
Then ask yourself. Is your husband selfish? Is he greedy with money? Does he spend all of your money on himself? The numbers on those statements don’t lie. Is your husband unwilling to share his money with you?
A Selfish Husband Spends Too Much Money
Does your husband spend too much money? If your husband is spending too much money on hobbies and habits, is he selfishly disregarding other household expenses? Is he purposefully spending a lot of money, or does he not realize how each small transaction adds up?
A selfish husband always puts himself first. He often does whatever he wants with little concern for his wife or family. He buys things he wants, then doesn’t have any money leftover. In these situations, a husband often doesn’t help his wife financially.
He won’t stop spending money even after you lovingly and tactfully point out that you don’t have enough to pay for his purchases. He will frivolously and greedily spend money with little disregard for other family expenses or desires, including your own. In these situations, a husband often wastes money and doesn’t have enough left to pay bills.
A selfish husband often spends too much money but won’t admit it or change his ways even though it diminishes the family bank accounts and causes emotional turmoil. He keeps buying things no matter what impact it has on your relationship, finances, or credit score. Does your husband keep buying stuff he can’t afford?
A Selfish Husband Spends Money Without Telling You
It would help decide how much money you can spend as a couple without discussing it first. Together, you should set spending limits. Some couples set their spending limit at $50 while others agree to $500 or more. If you want to spend more than that, you’ll have to talk with your spouse.
Anytime you or your spouse choose to buy something over this spending threshold, you’ll need to talk about it. Your husband is selfish if he spends money without consulting you. A marriage is a partnership, and both partners should have an equal say in significant purchasing decisions.
A Selfish Husband Makes Big Purchases Without Telling You
Your husband is selfish if he begins making big purchases without telling you. In healthy relationships, couples discuss large purchases. If your husband intends to buy a pricey item, he should consult with you first.
A selfish husband buys himself expensive things without telling you about his plans. I’m not talking about a small purchase here and there. I’m talking about making big purchases like electronics, cars, trucks, and vacations.
A selfish husband shows up with a brand new car in the driveway or an expensive home theatre system plastered on your living room wall. All high-priced items should be discussed and agreed upon as a couple regardless of who earns more money. So should less expensive, recurring costs, like hobbies, that can drain your bank accounts over time.
If your husband spends all your money on himself, he won’t have enough money to spend on you or the rest of your family. He can leave you feeling guilty for buying things for yourself too.
Why shouldn’t your husband make a big purchase without telling you? When you don’t talk about money, you can’t work towards shared financial goals. Did you want to take a family vacation or save up for a hotel to celebrate your anniversary?
You can’t do that if your husband spends money on other big-ticket items. A selfish husband’s spending will consistently bump shared goals and priorities off your wish list, which isn’t fair or sustainable over the long term.
A Selfish Husband May Be Cheap
Sometimes a husband can act cheap and selfish at the same time. He may tighten the purse strings on his spouse’s purchases or belittle her for buying things he deems unnecessary. These husbands are known for asking where all the money went when they know it went to pay for gas and groceries.
A husband like this appears cheap because he doesn’t want you to purchase products for yourself, your kids, or your home, but in this case, he isn’t cheap.
A Selfish Husband is Controlling with Money
Cheap spouses don’t like to spend money on frivolous items. That makes sense, but if your husband is only classifying your desires as trivial, that isn’t cheap. If he’s further belittling your choices, that’s controlling. Is your husband only cheap with you?
In this case, you must ask yourself an honest question. Is your husband cheap and selfish, or is he attempting to control your relationship with money?
Does your husband limit his purchases or only those you wish to make? If he is genuinely cheap, he won’t want to buy anything for himself either.
A Selfish Husband Makes You Ask for Money
A selfish husband will often say his money is his. He’ll make you feel bad about paying household bills or buying things you need.
Does your husband make you ask or beg for money? That’s not how a marriage should work. You shouldn’t have to ask your husband for money or feel like your husband won’t give you money when you need it. Instead, money should be accessible via checks, cash, or debit cards.
It’s important to set rules for your relationship. As a couple, you should discuss money management issues. Do you maintain joint accounts or separate ones? How much do household items cost? How much do you need for personal reasons each month?
A Selfish Husband Doesn’t Give You Money
A selfish husband will make you ask for money and not give you any when you ask for it. In a kind, committed relationship, you define the rules for money management so that you can both access the cash you need when you need it.
In a healthy relationship, a husband shares his money. In a selfish relationship, a husband won’t give his wife spending money if she works or stays at home with their children.
If your husband is selfish, it doesn’t mean he is financially abusive, but selfish behavior can lead to financial abuse.
By definition, financial abuse includes behaviors such as:
- Denying a spouse access to money
- Controlling household spending
- Refusing to include a spouse in financial decisions
Unfortunately, financial abuse does happen in relationships. Financial abusers use money as a means to control a partner’s ability to acquire or manage financial resources.
Abuse can take many different forms. Sometimes a wife is not permitted to work, or a husband spends money behind his wife’s back. Other times the husband manages all of the money and refuses to allow the wife to access any funds without receiving permission first. These actions are beyond selfish.
A Selfish Husband Buys Things Without Telling You
Not all husbands are selfish, like D; some don’t realize how much they squander on themselves. To find out if you are married to a selfish husband, you need to talk about your finances together.
Before you schedule a time to talk with your partner, take a few minutes to think about your relationship with money.
How do you feel about spending and saving, and how does that compare to your partner’s views? Do you need a lot of money to feel safe and secure? Do you suffer from a scarcity mindset? How does your partner feel, and how does that differ from you?
How can you talk about those emotions without calling your partner names? Calling your partner a selfish husband isn’t going to help. He will immediately become defensive. You need to understand your relationship with money before you start talking to him.
Once you understand your money mindset, you can sit down for a calm conversation. As a team, a husband and wife can schedule a family financial meeting, create a budget, and generate a list of shared financial goals.
During this meeting, try not to focus on the negative aspects of your spouse’s behavior. Instead, talk about the comfort and security that money can provide.
If your husband spends too much money, try to understand why he overspends. Did he grow up without a lot of money? Is he depressed or anxious? Is he spending to make himself feel better about his looks or life?
Overspending and selfish behaviors often stem from much deeper issues. To stop them, you might have to uncover hidden truths about your spouse.
Seek Counseling When Appropriate
Some couples may need counselors or therapists to discuss their money issues together. If calm, rational conversations don’t work, consider seeking help to support you.
How to Stop Selfish Behavior
I don’t know if this information will help the reader who emailed me. Without a lot of details, it’s difficult to figure out if her husband is genuinely selfish or if he views money differently. Maybe he is a jerk. As an outsider, it’s tough to know. After all, what can I tell from one angry email?
I replied to that email with a ton of questions, but I haven’t received an answer yet. I hope the reader’s husband is reasonable like my friend D.
Math is such a small piece of financial arguments. Emotions play a much more significant role.
I know the fights have continued for ten years, but I hope this reader and her husband can resolve their money issues together.
Hard to believe anyone acts unilaterally in a marriage when it comes to money. My wife and I have been married for 42 years, we haven’t had a money fight yet. We’ve had hundreds of money conversations. If I want to buy something that’s just benefits me, we talk. If she wants to, we talk. If we want to buy something for the house, the kids or for both of us, we talk. Unless we both are OK we don’t buy it. But 99.9% of the time we are both OK with it. We were a singe income family, but as a team the money one of us earns belongs 100% to the team, nothing is just mine or just hers. It’s ours. I don’t know if it’s the best way to do money but it has worked for us and it’s been a long time since we’ve needed a job or an income.
I love this comment! My husband and I act the exact same way. We are also a single income household for the time being, but 100% of the money belongs to both of us. Honestly, I can’t imagine doing it any other way. We started handling money like this right after we got married. I was actually hesitant to combine accounts, but it has worked out amazingly well for us. I have no regrets about how we’ve handled money or discussed it. I’m glad to see other relationships have worked as well as ours!
I could see myself in that reader’s shoes if PiC and I hadn’t spent many long years discussing money philosophy and history, well before we talked about specific purchases. I knew he and I were from such different financial backgrounds that if we didn’t understand each other’s thinking, we’d have trouble understanding each other’s wants and needs and especially why a want is a need or vice versa. I often categorize anything I want as a want and minimize it, he occasionally recategorizes some of those things for me as a need because he believes we need some nice things in our lives. We live with combined money but he always “treats” me by catering to my cravings, for example, because he knows it’s hard for me to give myself anything or any leeway. In return I work hard at viewing his wants more objectively in the long term and not just in a short term way that would make me resistant to approving his wants. The scarcity mentality still nibbles away at the edges and I still change when he spends but it’s a small reflex and easily put to bed.
The good thing is that he trusts me implicitly to make the calls on the big money spending and with managing all our money. And I can trust him to not go overboard because we are working for a common goal.
But still, all of this is only possible because we both work hard at overcoming our differences to find a common ground, and he’s a very generous person at heart.
It’s very hard to do that with someone who is genuinely selfish. I hope that your reader is dealing with someone who’s just starting from a very different place and not someone who is truly selfish. There are too many of the latter in the world.
I love the balance you’ve created between the two of you. I particularly love the idea that he “treats” you because he knows that you struggle to treat yourself. I think this is so important, especially when a spouse knows what you really want or need. Say buying you the richest, most decadent box of chocolates rather than just buying a dozen roses that you don’t really want in the first place.
My husband and I have reached this same give and take over the years. We have to trust each other and that involves talking a lot about money. It’s the reason I posted about hosting a family financial meeting in the first place. It’s tough to talk about money and to do so when you aren’t already heated about it.
I also hope that this reader has a generous husband at heart. I know there are a lot of selfish people in the world but I sure do hope they just need to get on the same page.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
Interesting article. I once read that in 70% of divorces money issues were a factor. We seldom argue about money- maybe because we’re both frugal? I know it’s not generally recommended, but we have separate checking accounts. I don’t have to ask him if I want a pedicure (this is a very occasional treat for me). Perhaps each partner having a little”mad money” helps?
My husband and I don’t have separate bank accounts, but I know plenty of couples that do. It seems to work well for them. That’s what my coworker ended up doing. He created a couple of different accounts so they could funnel money away and spend it how they saw fit. I think that works as long as the partner understands they can buy just about anything they want with that money. I’ve known a few couples that still get mad when they see some item in the house that they don’t fully support.
Going on year 38 and we have had “a no question asked allowance” for 36 years. I stayed home after our daughter was born. After the first six months my husband noticed I spent no money on myself. He suggested that we each get $20 every paycheck. I started getting my hair cut and nails polished. He bought lunch at work (but still had me cut his hair).
We have switched job situations many times-both work/ me work/ he works/ part time/ pensions. Someone was always at home when kids lived at home. All money is discussed, in easy to access accounts, and is “ours” – except allowance. BTW- I am the spender.i am saving for a great trip…in 2021…for both of us.
I love to hear these success stories. There are so many great ways that couples can stay on the same page and it sounds like you and your partner have definitely figured it out!
Sadly the money thing caused my wife to get so angry that she physically assaulted me and the domestic violence ended the marriage. We had separate bank accounts as she had terrible credit and her spending was out of control. She and I had reached an agreement on who pays for what bill, and she hit a point where she refused to honor her commitments. She said we are married, your money is our money, and my money is my money, I am not reimbursing anything, and she blew Her paycheck frivolously. She became verbally and emotionally abusive and encouraged her two boys to be rude and disrespectful. I thank God that I did not add her name to my bank accounts or my credit would be trashed. Couples need to have a serious conversation about finances before marriage. People who are irresponsible in handling their money are irresponsible in all aspects of their lives, not just money.
You raise a great point. These conversations need to take place well before a person says ‘i do’. It’s important to understand where someone is coming from and how they view and use money. Find compromise and speaking openly from the very beginning of a relationship, because money problems can easily destroy a marriage.
As 30-something newlyweds we are still having these conversations. We decided to keep our money separate except for joint checking/savings we each contribute to as needed.
But we just moved to a big, expensive city and he now makes 3X what I do. (Before the move I made 2X his grad student pay.) We split expenses proportional to income: rent 75/25 and groceries/utilities 66/34. Every month we tally up what joint expenses we’ve paid for on our individual (cashback) credit cards and settle up. He still tries to treat for dinners out and other expenses, and I am doing pretty good financially (i.e. keeping up my retirement contributions) but he worries I won’t save as much or feel the freedom to spend on fun stuff.
I do worry about future big purchases like vacations, a home, what happens if we have kids, etc. What would be a good time to combine finances, if ever? He said if I chose to stay home for a year or two with a kid that was on me financially, even though I explained about spousal IRAs. I think some of his fears stem from when his parents got divorced and his Dad had to sell off some assets to supply a down payment for his Mom’s new place. Here’s hoping we can come up with some more concrete plans over the next year or so. Whenever I ask he shrugs and says we have plenty, what’s the worry?
These are really tough conversations. I’m not sure that I can give you too much advice, but here is what my husband and I decided to do many years ago.
After we got married my husband and I combined all of our finances into one big bucket. In the beginning of our relationship we tried to split things the way you and your husband are doing, but it was a nightmare. We maintained a giant spreadsheet and went tit-for-tat paying off our expenses as we My husband suggested we create joint accounts. I was against it in the beginning, but it’s actually been great for us.
We did this so we could start planning for our future together. All of the sudden our separate plans became our joint plans. We want to go on vacation together. Well that involves both of us. We want to buy a new grill. Yup that’s both of us too. We wanted to be partners and splitting the money into portions and compartments felt very unnatural as we aimed to buy houses and make larger purchases and plans.
That isn’t to say this should happen for everyone. We were able to do this because we trust each other deeply. We don’t lie about anything. My husband and I definitely have our faults, but we are both honest to the core. I never worried that he would steal my money and he never worried either. I also never worried that he would make poor financial decisions and he felt the same way about me. We are both very careful with our money.
Did you read my post about family financial meetings? (https://www.onefrugalgirl.com/family-financial-meeting/). I would suggest reading it if you haven’t already and then hosting a meeting with your husband. It feels very formal and strange, but I promise it helps you get on the same page. Doing this as newlyweds is a great time to start! It sounds like your husband has some concerns about money based on his upbringing. That’s all perfectly normal, but it’s good to get all of these issues out on the table as soon as possible so you can work through them and figure out how to create a plan that works for both of you and doesn’t breed resentment.
Lastly, I’m not sure how the “if you want to stay home that’s on you financially” is supposed to work out or quite honestly what that means. Does your husband want you to save up your money in advance so that you can continue paying your share of the bills when you leave the workforce? I have to be honest. I don’t really like the way that sounds. It’s not that you shouldn’t save money in advance. I quit only after I had a ton of money in my retirement accounts and checking accounts, but rather because it sounds like you are not on the same page about raising a child as a stay-at-home mom versus a working mom. If that’s the case it’s a whole other conversation you should have before having kids.
Parenting can breed a world of resentment. I encourage you to read How to Financially Prepare to Become a Stay At Home Parent (https://www.onefrugalgirl.com/8-steps-to-take-before-becoming-a-stay-at-home-parent/). I touch on some of those topics and I’d be happy to correspond more if it would help.
It’s great that you want to talk about money with your husband and I hope he’s open to talking to you. My best advice is to host that family financial meeting I mentioned so you can get on the same page. Sometimes the conversations are awkward, but it’s best to get it all out now early in your marriage!
Don’t hesitate to ask more questions if I can help in any way.
When my DH and I were in school we had some opportunities to see what our financial priorities were. We bonded over a trip to a casino in which we each independently set a $5 limit and tend to be frugal generally. However, I am willing to splash out for gifts, travel, jewelry, and clothes. When he got a real job and we took our first joint vacation I wanted to stay in a hotel in which we did not share a bathroom with other guests (standards!) and pay for the joint vacation proportionately to our paychecks. He was suspicious because that meant he paid for more of the bill. He also judged me when I used a store discount to buy some nice jewelry and exclaimed over how expensive my habit was. (It is a habit. Kind of.)
When our situations were reversed and I began earning more than him I was happy to uphold standards for joint things like vacations and dinners out — these things are worth it to me. Eventually he realized I wasn’t trying to put one over on him and had consistent priorities!
We have never combined accounts however, because frankly with the jewelry incident(s) I realized I did NOT want to feel that I was spending “our” money on “my” things and have to deal with the incessant nagging and recriminations or even internalized guilt. I wasn’t sure at the time that I would consistently be the higher income partner and was pretty sure he would not be capable of fully letting go of any power imbalance where he could say I was spending his money frivolously.
Also, I have issues because my father passed away early and my mom, a SAHM, had issues making ends meet after that. I have always felt a need to be in control of my money.
What we do: we have a joint account to which we contribute proportionate to our incomes. I’m all about spreadsheets (and did I mention I need to be in control of my money?) so I keep the budget and account for our various spending categories and project how much we need to contribute to the common fund per month to meet our common expenses and rejigger amounts as needed to account for raises, etc. We have discussed and agreed on what is “common” and over time this has expanded to include many toiletries (I still pay for what I view as my indulgent skincare routine, and makeup and such) as well as my medications (my wellbeing is a joint goal) and his tennis class (his wellbeing is a joint goal too, and knowing it’s “common” money lets him spend more easily for this thing he really enjoys and is healthy). We each have certain bills that we pay, but we pay them from this joint account so there is less need to tally up. We don’t have kids but absolutely any kid expenses would be a joint venture. And were one of us to stay home… well, we would contribute to the joint account *proportionate to our income* which actually wouldn’t totally cover the future income that would be forgone by a stint out of the workforce. (“If you want to stay home that’s on you” — WTF?? Does he not realize a child is a joint endeavor????)
The rest of the money that comes in that isn’t needed for joint things is each our own. He has eventually come to realize that spending money is okay as long as we are meeting our savings goals and I always tell him when I get a new expensive piece of jewelry how much it costs as a form of exposure therapy. Whenever either of us gets something pricey even if it’s our own money we tend to let the other know, and absolutely if it’s something that might be a big joint expense. He has come to realize that even though I am more of a spender than him I am quite frugal comparatively and know exactly where my money is going and never fail to meet savings goals. I think at this point after many years we might be able to combine accounts due to the trust that has grown in both of us, but I like our system (did I mention my own control issues?).
All of this is helped a lot by having high income, though it’s hard to tell how much of the tension at the beginning was because we didn’t have a lot of money leeway vs. we were learning about each other.
Thank you for leaving such a long and detailed comment. It sounds like you’ve come to a great solution that works for the two of you. It’s tough to give financial advice, because there isn’t a one size fits all solution. What works for one couple may not work for another. This sounds like it works perfectly for the two of you and I think it could work for many other couples as well. Thank you for providing details that may help others who read this post.
Wow, My marriage ended after almost 24 years and finances were a big issue. Ex grew up feeling like his teen years were miserable due to multiple reasons, and he spent $$ to cope. And he did not care about debt. During our marriage, I dug him out of credit card debt twice. Ugh. He loved to eat out, wanted the latest gadgets, to play golf, and other expenses that did benefit him more than the family. He tried to compare his spending to mine when I felt I was buying things for the family.
I grew up with parents who were frugal. Mom grew up poor, Dad did not. But we never worried about food on the table, a roof overhead, clothes on our backs and gas for the car. We had some luxuries, a boat they pulled on a trailer until my grandparents bought a lakeside cottage, parochial schools, etc.
Ex wanted luxurious vacations, luxury cars, etc. And I made 2x his salary for the first 12 years of our marriage. He decided to go back to school, which I wholeheartedly supported and I supported the family. A year after his graduation, his income increased geometrically. I was so excited to be able to get ahead and even had a saving account with more than $1000 in it. But his spending (on credit cards) was on par with all of the OT he was earning.
Yes, I was angry. I tried to discuss, but he would seem to agree with me, but the credit card expenditures never even slowed down.
Thank you for your comment. I am sorry to read about your experience. I had a friend in a very similar situation. No matter how much her husband earned he felt compelled to spend more than he brought home in his bi-weekly paycheck. Over the years his salary grew but his spending grew right alongside of it.
Do you have any advice for those who are just getting married? Anything you wish you would have said or asked about before you got married?
I’ve been married for 26 years and money & finances is a major concern/worry. My husband has lost several jobs in a very narrow field which caused us to move across country a couple of times. With each move, that has chipped away at our savings. Because of COVID, his income has been impacted because reduction of OT. He has a beer subscription which only benefits him. When his hours were cut, he said this subscription would stop. However, that only lasted one month. I asked him to review his credit card statement and he said he realized he overspent. He said all of his money goes towards the family and nothing for him but i spend money on a gym membership. I reiterated my membership is a fixed fee. He is not monitoring how much he is spending and becomes very defensive. He used to be involved with our finances but then that slowly became just myself. I try to have discussions with him about our finances and need his input but it never goes very far. I would love to have separate checking accounts but I’m not sure if that would work because of our current net take home pay is about the same. Also, we’ve had to pay for unplanned house expenses which I used my bonus pay. Basically, I haven’t been able to buy anything “fun” for myself because of these expenses. He is always looking for new house projects but now I’ve had to pull the plug unless it fits in our budget.
He becomes extremely defensive because I feel that his “beer” hobby/subscription is only benefiting himself and not the family. He is spending anywhere from $200 to $400 per month. I wanted him to equate that into a yearly expense and everything we could accomplish with going on a nice vacation or house projects.
I’m from a frugal family where my parents worked on a budget.
I’m at a loss and need some guidance.
Thank You for the wonderful article – and I have enjoyed reading each comment. It’s always interesting to me to read how other couples handle “money” and “joint expenses”. For me, I was extremely naive for many years while I was married…. actually let’s face it, I was just plain stupid.
My ex-husband had his own separate bank account. “I” paid 100% of all household and child-related expenses (excluding the mortgage only). I paid things including property taxes, home insurance, utilities, groceries, home and household needs/repairs, and quite literally ALL child-related expenses, along with my own vehicle costs, and cell phone.
“HE” paid the mortgage, his own cell phone, his own vehicle, plus his own loans (which I co-signed on) for his two ski-doos, quad, several new trucks over the years along with an additional sports car over and above, remote controlled cars/trucks/airplanes, tools and several expensive tool boxes, a boat, Money Mart loans he had taken out without me knowing, etc. etc. Many of these items he ultimately stopped paying on the loans for and we either rolled the loans onto our mortgage ‘or’ a few of the “toys” were repossessed over the years. We did have a joint account but he continued depositing his own pay cheques into his own account. Eventually he also stopped paying on the mortgage and since I was paying the other household/child expenses I was unable to make the mortgage payment as well and we lost our home to foreclosure… and divorced.
Once we were separated his lawyer of course insisted the loans I had stupidly co-signed on for my ex were of course joint marital debt. The “toys” my ex still had left by that point were all repossessed and went to auction but none sold for enough money to cover the loans and I am now on the hook paying $150 per month for the next 5 years towards his loan payments.
I had not seen a pay stub or bank statement from his individual account in many many years. Once we separated I kept all old tax returns, both his and mine, other than the year prior from our divorce, and I discovered just how stupid I had really been all those years.
My income each year had stayed the same as it was fixed and hadn’t changed in years. I earned $47,888 per year, and I discovered my ex had been earning a range of $108,000 per year all the way up to $146,000 per year… and every figure in between. Yet the items for his loans were all repossessed over the years, we lost our home to foreclosure which was the only joint household expense he had, and I am currently paying my share of his loans over the next five years. I was quite literally paying ALL other expenses. I wish I could say that’s a bit of an exaggeration and he likely contributed to more… but no, sadly I’m afraid not. I am so angry with myself for allowing this to happen.
Where…. WHERE…. had all his money been going through the years??
The only “asset” we now have left is my pension from my job which “his” lawyer has of course firmly set his sights on and he is fighting hard for his client’s portion of the pension. I used to have a very small amount in RRSPs but I recently cashed in what I had to help pay down the loans. There is quite literally nothing but my pension left, and he will of course be awarded a portion of it. Seems so unfair.
My advice to newlyweds is pay attention. PAY ATTENTION!! Keep the lines of communication about money open. Have lots and lots and LOTS of conversations about money, and before even getting married get an idea of what the other person’s finances are like and how “responsible” they are when it comes to paying their bills, saving money, etc. If you cannot get through a conversation about money without it becoming an argument, or without the other person becoming defensive… RUN! My ex husband was always extremely defensive and very secretive when it came to “his” money and through the years his anger caused me to as less and less questions even as we were seriously sinking financially.
And you know what?! Nobody likes this word but after reading my story… maybe consider thinking about a little word called “pre-nup”. Even though no one ever expects to be in the boat I’m in, “pre-nup” is a word I would actually gently tell others to at least consider.
So sorry for the long post everyone, but I hope my story will help even just one person to not follow in my footsteps… although I am sure there is no one out there as incredibly dense and stupid as I was! Good Luck everyone! 🙂
Dear CAE,
Thank you for your sharing your story and please do not think of yourself as dense and stupid. It breaks my heart to read those words. You are not stupid. You believed that your husband wanted the best for his family. You believed that he wouldn’t put your family at risk of losing your home so that he could buy toys and cars that he knew he would not pay off. We all want to believe in the people we love. I’m sorry that you have gone through this and that you are still fighting to retain your pension that your husband has set his sights upon. I am so glad that you have chosen to share your story here. I hope that others will stumble upon it and learn from your words. I have written about dishonesty in marriage a number of times and it does seem to follow a pattern. The more people don’t want to talk about their finances the more it seems they are hiding. I wish you all the best moving forward. I hope that you are able to retain your pension and that you become free of the financial burdens of your spouse as soon as humanly possible.
You are not the only one. I got married young and we both started working minimum wage jobs. One night my husband came home late from work to tell me he spotted a truck on one of his deliveries that day and went to the dealership and bought it. This was in th early 80’s before cell phones. We couldn’t even afford a home phone. I tokd him that night I was going to go to college because I wasn’t going to live like this. He convinced me to put him through college so I could he a stay at home mom knowing that was my dream. It was a tough road and of course he couldnt work because as he said college was his job. Three months before he graduated he spotted a Ford Mustang he had to have so again he bought it. Finally he finishes school and we can start our lives. He had a 4 year degree in accounting but couldnt find a job. One of my coworkers went out on a limb for me and set my husband up with an interview. He was offered a job at an interns wage as a favor to my coworker. He of course scoffed at the offer and spent another 6 months looking for a job. He finally finds a job and for the first time we make a joint decision to buy a pickup together. We are finally on our way. Right? I had just come in to 8,000. Which would be a down payment for our home. I go to the bank and get a CD with my spouse as a joint owner. Everything seems to be working out until he drives by a dealership and spots his dream truck. He trades in the truck we had just bought and buys his dream truck. Of course we took a loss on it. My spouse is not someone you can have a reasonable conversation with. He always turns the tables on you and you get the blame. He then tells me once the bills are paid I can stay home. So I start working a ton of overtime. In the meantime one day I come home and his dream truck has these huge tires on it and a lift kit. I seriously had to have a step stool to get in it. You guessed it. He used the CD for collateral to pay for the 4000. Lift kit. He didn’t tell me thats what he did I found the paperwork. When I asked him about it he said he didn’t know thats how he got financing. And so the story of my life never changed..one time 500. Went missing from our savings account and I asked him if he withdrew it. He said no. I went to the bank and they gave me a copy of the deposit ticket. I showed him and he said someone forged his signature. Why wouldnt you just take responsibility when confronted with the truth? So I go back to the bank and I tell them it was a forgery. They then go look at the camera footage guess who they found withdrawing the money? Throught all of this we had 3 children together he has held several jobs that he has mostly been fired from. He got MS and is now unable to work and I never got to be a stay at home mom. I have always had to work overtime to stay current on the bills and when I talked to a divorce lawyer years ago I would have to pay him alimony. So I clearly am the stupid one because you got out and I am trapped.
Dear V,
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry that you feel trapped by your situation, but as I said to CAE please do not call yourself stupid. It’s not stupid to believe in the best of people or to think that they have our best interests at heart. In close relationships it is easy to get swindled by those we love and to believe that they won’t hurt us again. There have been many other women in situations similar to your own and your story of the bank withdrawal made my heart hurt. I hope that those who stumble across this post will read your story and learn from it. Don’t be afraid to share your story. Shout it from the rooftops if necessary. I often find that sharing the messiest parts of my life helps others. Leaving this comment will undoubtedly help others see the light in their own relationships. I wish I had more to offer you, but I do wish you the best of luck!
Sorry to say I’m in the same boat happy to see there are other good people that have bad things happen carmaker I hope is true
Dear Cathy, I wish you the best in your unfortunate situation.